Page 52 of Into the Dark

I give him a big smile. “Some secrets are okay. And this thing I want to talk to you about, that’s a secret too. Kind of.”

“It is?” I’ve got his undivided attention now, big blue eyes wide open.

“Yeah, it’s just between us, okay? For now anyway.”

“So I can’t tell Louis?”

“Umm, no. Not yet.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. So, I wanted to talk to you about something. Someone, actually. Someone Daddy wants you to meet soon.”

“A person?”

‘“Yeah. A person. A grown-up person. A lady. Someone Daddy cares about very much.”

All sorts of emotions move across his little face, and he starts to nibble on his lip while he decides how he feels about that. He looks down at his ice cream and then frowns before looking back up at me.

“A lady? Like Mummy?” he asks, eyes wide again.

I let out a breath and shake my head. “Nah, mate. Not like your mum. Nothing at all like your mum.” This is going to be harder than I thought.

Where the fuck do I start with this?

On my lunch break I leave the office. I need fresh air. I need to breathe and think.

Despite what I told Jake the other night, I’ve done pretty well not to think about the contents of the top drawer of my desk. The only time my concentration slipped was during my third appointment of the day. A couple in their late thirties who’ve been trying for two years to get pregnant. I’m now referring them for IVF. Perhaps since his sperm seems to be some sort of fertility miracle, Jake could offer to help them out.

Grabbing my jacket from the hook behind my office door, I rush past reception and out into the bright summer’s day. I stop for a coffee from the deli Jake asked me out in, sipping it as I walk to Torrance Park, a small but always busy park a short walk from the surgery.

Because it’s a warm, pleasant day, the park is busier than usual with lots of women with pushchairs and small children. A sort of blatant screaming message, if you like. They seem to have taken on a new form here in the midsummer afternoon, birds singing and sun shining down on their picture-perfect motherly forms. I stare at them, wondering about the moment they first found out they were pregnant. Lots of women find themselves pregnant unexpectedly—not everyone is planned and prepared for it. But did any of them have to deal with the kind of life-altering situation Jake and I do?

Pregnancy is life-altering enough on its own. It’ll change my future plans and my life and body. Forever. Jake’s too. And he already has enough to deal with. He’ll now have someone else to worry about, another burden to consider. How am I supposed to tell him this now we have so much else to worry about?

I find a spot on a bench near the middle of the park by the small bowling lawn and sit down, my takeout coffee cooling in my lap but warming my fingers. The calm waters of my mind feel livelier now, a gentle swaying that picks up speed and motion.

I feel sick again.

Okay, I need to think about this sensibly. The first thing I need to do is book an appointment with my doctor. I need a qualified professional who isn’t me to tell me that I am indeed one hundred percent pregnant. After that, I’ll speak with Jake. We’ll talk about it together. Like adults. He’s already been through this. With Vicky. I suppose she sprung it on him too. Unexpectedly. God, I’m no better than her.

Two days ago, I gave him a key to my house, and now I’m about to tell him I’m pregnant. Christ, does Rob have to be enjoying her honeymoon when I need her? Does my sister, who’s been trying for a year to have a baby, need to hear about how I accidentally became pregnant? No. She doesn’t. Plus, as soon as I tell my sister I’m pregnant she’ll become an aunt. That makes her involved in a way I don’t want her or anyone else to be quite yet.

I’ll wait until I see the doctor. By that time Rob will be home. By that time the idea of it will have settled.

When I pull out my phone to call my doctor there’s a text from Jake from this morning.

Jake: By the way, when is your birthday? I’m thinking I should probably know this shit? Jx

I smile, longing filling my chest. The one person I want and need to talk to about this is him. He’s the person who calms me, makes me feel sure and brave and like everything is manageable. But to burden him with this now, when I’m not yet sure how I feel about it myself? No, I can’t. Not yet.

But god, how am I supposed to keep this from him? How do I look into his eyes and tell him I love him while keeping this massive, life-changing thing to myself?

Instead of texting back, I decide to call him. Aside from anything else I really need to hear his voice right now.

Dutifully, he picks up on the third ring. “All right, you? What’s happening?” He sounds cheery.

“Hey, I’m just on lunch. How are you? Where are you?”

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