Page 18 of Into the Dark

It’s only then that I think about the fact my parents are only a few rooms away, and how if things were different I’d be in there with them with Jake by my side, smiling and chatting and laughing with my dad. I feel the pang of loss in my chest.

“How have you been?” he asks softly. I feel his eyes on me as I stare out at the view, the colors of the sky deepening and darkening around us.

“Busy too. I’m a partner now at work.”

His eyes widen. “Well, that sounds like something I should congratulate you for.”

“It was really sudden. Sam took a leave of absence to work abroad, and so I was most likely the second choice.” Sam shocked us all when he announced he’d accepted an offer to go to Cambodia on a six-month placement with MSF. He wanted a change of scenery, apparently. Douglas had come to me and said the new partnership slot was mine if I wanted it.

“I’m pretty certain you’ve never been anyone’s second choice, Alex.” There still seems to be so much warmth in his eyes as he looks at me—despite everything, despite what I said to him that day. As he nibbles the inside of his lip hard—a habit I’ve missed far more than I realized—I wonder what would happen if I closed the distance between us and kissed him. What would it mean for us? Where would we be after it?

I know where I’d want to be. Upstairs in my room, bodies reconnecting, relearning each other. I imagine running my hands over every inch of his warm male skin and an involuntary shiver runs through me, a light spread of goose bumps breaking out over my entire body.

Jake misreads my shiver as a chill. “Fuck, you must be cold—here.” He slips out of his suit jacket and places it gently around my shoulders. I contemplate telling him I’m not cold, but I can already smell him from the fabric of his jacket, and the longer I wear it the longer it will linger on my skin after he’s gone. As he pulls the jacket around me, that very scent floods up into my nose. Clean and warm and faintly spicy. Jake. I feel weak from it. Weaker.

“Thanks,” I say as I stare up at him.

His mouth quirks at one side as he focuses on the side of my face. Reaching up, he unhooks my hair from the collar of his jacket, draping it gently over my shoulder. His fingers graze my neck as he does, making my breath shorten. My skin screams for more. Touch. Taste. Take. With his arms stretched out, I admire the way the white fitted shirt hugs his biceps. He looks a little leaner, I think, and up close he looks very tired, dark circles beneath his eyes and his skin not as golden as I remember it being. Though it could just be the light around us, which is fading fast and creating shadows over everything. With his hand at my cheek he stills, looking hard into my eyes. I can’t breathe again, and I have to stop myself from licking my lips in preparation for him kissing me.

I want him to kiss me. I want it more than breathing.

These six weeks apart, the words spoken that day, the secrets spilled between us, have done nothing to lessen my need for him. Those things are nothing. Minuscule and unimportant. My need for him is not; it’s everything. The loss of him too—this heavy, oppressive weight pressing down on my heart and chest, smothering me.

As he stares back at me I feel that weight lift. The distance, the secrets, the reasons why I can’t love him. None of it matters. None of it exists.

“Baby,” he whispers. Fingers skimming my jaw, he leans in slowly. I focus on the plump pink of his mouth, the glimpse of his tongue between the wet skin, the heat of his breath on my lips. I swallow.

The instant before Jake’s mouth touches mine, a voice bursts through the silence. “There you are. I’ve bee—”

Jake’s head snaps to the right first. I follow his gaze.

Mark stands a few feet away, eyes darkening as he looks at me and Jake. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” he mutters as he takes a step toward us.

I maneuver myself in front of Jake as though somehow I can protect him from whatever is about to happen. Behind me, I feel him tense.

“I thought I just imagined you earlier,” Mark says as he moves toward us.

“Fantasize about me a lot, do you, detective?” Jake says.

Mark’s stare hardens. “Care to tell me what the hell you’re doing here?” he asks instead.

“Your sister-in-law invited me,” Jake says, resting his hand on my arm. It feels protective, possessive, and I have to try hard not to purr at the increased contact.

“Well, you should have politely fucking declined.” He looks furious. He looks at me then. “Alex, your parents are just about to leave. They’re looking for you.”

Jake is brave for coming here, I realize then. Knowing what Mark knows, knowing Mark would be here, knowing Mark would love any opportunity to cart him off in handcuffs. But he came anyway, for me. I feel myself stand a little taller. It makes me feel braver.

“I already said goodbye to my parents, Mark, but thanks for letting me know. Now, if you don’t mind, this is a private conversation.” I push my body backward into Jake, and I feel his hold on me change, curling around me. Intimate. This time I do purr a little.

Mark sighs impatiently. “Then I’m sure Robyn needs you inside.” It’s a dismissive, bossy tone, and it gets my back up. I’m about to tell him exactly what I feel about him telling me what to do when I feel Jake’s hand on my arm, turning me to face him.

“Alex, I should probably go anyway,” he says. His eyes are sad again, and I feel that flutter of panic again at the idea of him leaving.

I’m aware of Mark still standing sentinel behind us, and the words I want to say to Jake I want to say when we’re alone. Don’t go. I could just say that. Don’t go. But now Mark is here Jake may understand the gravity of the situation, and so I say nothing.

“I just wanted…” Jake starts, but then he looks at Mark and rethinks whatever it was. Instead, he says, “I’m glad we got to talk. And I’m really fucking glad I got to see you play.” He looks like he’s about to reach out and touch me again, but he resists.

I want to disagree with what he just said because we didn’t get to talk. Not at all. I haven’t said half the things I want and need to say to him.

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