Page 100 of A Dark Fall

This time, I walk down the hallway without looking back. I feel sad and angry and idiotic all over again.

I drive the half an hour to my brother’s feeling like a coiled spring, and when I pull up to his house, I’ve no memory of getting there at all. It’s clever, really. How he did it. How he decided to push me away. This way, he gets to break my heart and still keep all his secrets. Yes, so bloody clever.

God, I am a naïve idiot. I let him play me like a naïve idiot. His lines were just that. Lines. I was right to mistrust them. Except why didn’t it stop me from falling for him anyway?

I’d never have considered myself naïve or an idiot, not until two men in relatively quick succession decided I was. There’s a part of me that wonders if this is down to the fact Jake and I never had a conversation about exclusivity. I suppose I never thought we had to. Naïve, probably.

Nick opens the door smiling wide. He steps forward and pulls me into a welcoming hug. As he does, the warm, brotherly comfort causes the dam to burst and the tears to flow. Hard and fast, my body heaving with great, pathetic sobs.

I cry hard on Nick’s shoulder for almost five solid minutes, during which he leads me into his living room and has me confirm everyone in our family is alive and well. He rubs my back, telling me it’s all going to be okay in soothing brotherly tones. I’m grateful for the words of comfort, but he doesn’t know it’s going to be okay. He doesn’t even know why I’m crying.

Nick also has the Marlowe reassurance gene sewn into his DNA.

When I finally stop heaving, he hands me a tissue then gets up and brings me a large glass of cold white wine, which I take and gulp gratefully. He sits next to me on the sofa and gives me a concerned look.

“What the fuck is going on?” he asks. His eyes are filled with concern, and it makes me want to cry again, but I manage not to.

“I’m an idiot,” I manage. “I’ve been such a bloody idiot.Again.I mean, when did I become this person, Nick? This person that men treat like this?” Anger sharpens my words.

He sits back and nods in realization. “So, the new guy’s a prick too then?” He sighs, looking angry. When I only give him a look, he reaches across and puts his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it in comfort. “You’re not that person, Alex. This is their fucking problem, not yours.” He sounds a little guilty, I think. When I look up at him, he smiles. “So, you want to tell me what happened? Get a male perspective on it?”

Christ, no. I don’t want to talk about any of it. I’m here because Nick wants to introduce me to a guy. For the first time since he realized who he is, he’s ready to share that with us. And here I am, crying on his shoulder about how messed up relationships are. It’s selfish. I’m selfish.I’m not going to let Jake do this.

“No.” I shake my head. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m fine. Just angry and feeling stupid, which you know I hate. Tell me about Jin instead.” I smile, wiping my nose with the tissue. “When is he getting here?” I want to know how much time I have to make myself look less unhinged. I don’t want to embarrass my brother by looking like some ball of emotional mess on his sofa when I meet him for the first time.

He looks at his watch. “He should be here shortly.”

“Okay, so tell me about him. How long have you been seeing him?” I ask, curious.

“A few months. He’s a chef, owns a Korean restaurant in Soho.” He smiles.

“Seriously?” I widen my eyes, impressed. “Is that where you met?”

He nods. “At Seb’s birthday back in March. The meal was insane, so we got him out to thank him, and, well, he was ...” Pink spreads across his cheeks. “Beautiful. Funny. And he put up with us when we were so fucking pissed. We hit it off.”

I’ve never heard my brother this enamored. This shy. It’s lovely. My heart contracts again at the feeling of my loss. My own fault. I shouldn’t have been so naïve. I shouldn’t have fallen.

“So, it’s serious then?” I ask tentatively.

Nick looks at me, a glimmer of uncertainty in his eyes. He rubs his hand over the back of his neck. “Fuck, Al, I think so. He’s ... so smart. And so passionate about everything—food especially. And he’s so fucking beautiful ...” He trails off, looking shy.

I’m smiling too, caught up in his enthusiasm. “Well, he must be pretty special if he’s got you nervous and grinning like a teenager.”

As he smiles, I stand and tell him I’m going to go tidy my face.

Nick’s large bathroom mirror isn’t too harsh on me, all things considered. I brush out my hair and touch up my mascara and liner before adding a little blush and highlighter to my cheeks. Lack of sleep is always my worst enemy, not tears or heartbreak. I adjust my floral belted dress and pinch my cheeks then try smiling at myself in the mirror, but it looks and feels forced. I need to try harder. I can’t be the harbinger of doom tonight—it means too much to Nick.I’ll get through tonight and deal with the Jake aftermath tomorrow.

When I walk back into the living room, Nick is lifting my glass through to the kitchen, presumably to refill it, so I follow him in.

“So, I spoke to Tash today,” he says as he hands me my refilled glass. “She thinks she’ll be here the second week of August. I told her she can stay here for a few days and then we can all go over together. You wanna take the shuttle again?” He leans back against the counter and sips his wine. I do the same, savoring the taste of the Sancerre, and nod. Fayence sounds so tempting suddenly. The second week of August is only six weeks away though, which means I need to speak to Douglas on Monday so he can arrange the cover.

“You could bring Jin.” I smile and widen my eyes at him.

He rolls his eyes and nods. “Yeah, that will go down well. ‘Mum, Dad, this is my boyfriend—oh, and we’re both gay.’”

I tilt my head at him. “Okay, but you said this is serious. Meaning you’re going to have to have them meet him at some point. Meaning you’re going to have totellthem at some point.”

“I said Ithoughtit was serious. Let me be sure first, will you?”

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