Page 40 of The Darkest Half

“Willa…I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be looking at.”

“Look closer.” She brings the mirror down farther, so close that my eyes cross.

I turn my head sideways to avoid the discomfort, and she pulls the mirror away.

“It’s vhy I brought you here, Freedrik…I vanted to see your face before ve can begin our life together.”

“What about my face do you need to see? If you tell me, explain it somehow, I might be able to help you.”

She sets the mirror on a nearby shelf and then picks up the breakfast sandwich again. After pinching off another bite, she pushes it between my teeth, almost forcibly, and I, getting fucking irritated, force myself to eat it.

I picture Seraphina’s face; I recall more moments when she and I were together, pivotal moments that I kept from Willa—and a few that I even had forgotten. Or maybe they were moments I’ve been intentionally keeping from myself.

Not long ago…

“Tell me about her,” Cassia said in such a soft voice. “What did Seraphina do to you? Why do you want to find her so badly?”

I got up quickly from the bed and walked away.

“I’ve told you—”

Cassia shot upward, stopping me mid-sentence, desperately needing to make me understand and talk to her once and for all. The chain around her ankle clanked as she forced herself across the few feet to stand in front of me.

“YOU TELL ME!” she screamed, tears pouring from the corners of her eyes. “PLEASE! I DESERVE TO KNOW!” she cried out. “You’ve kept me down here for a year. Took me away from…from whatever life I had before the fire. I may not remember it, but it was mine.” She pointed at her chest, her voice strained by pain and desperation. “You believe I know this woman well enough that I can lead you to her, that I can help you find her somehow. And I’m willing to do that…”

Present day…

Seraphina, as Cassia, reminds me of Willa; both so naïve and, dare I say it, innocent. They were oblivious to the real world, trapped in a mind and body that kept them safe from things like human emotions and reality. Neither knew anything but their agenda: Cassia’s was to hide from Seraphina—her darkest half; Willa’s is to maintain control of her darkest half and never to suppress it and become as weak as someone like Cassia. Because the Willa I knew when I was just a boy endured so much abuse and trauma, just like Cassia did, the Willa standing before me today is the only one she can bear to live with.

I needed Cassia to remember Seraphina, my black-haired beauty who walked, barefooted, upon the sharpest blade. I needed her to become who she truly was, the real Seraphina.

Is that why I’m thinking of the past? Does my present situation somehow remind me of that time? Is Willa keeping me her prisoner down here so that she can get what she so desperately needs from me?

Look at me, trapped in what could very well be a basement—as I haven’t seen sunlight in weeks now—the same way I had Cassia trapped in my basement. As Cassia, Seraphina didn’t understand what I wanted from her, what I so desperately needed from her to move on with my life. She didn’t understand that I needed her to remember who she was, that I needed the Seraphina I knew and loved to emerge from that childlike mind of Cassia Carrington so that we could continue our life together.

I’d tried to convince myself that I needed to kill Seraphina, and a part of me had planned to do just that, but the…real Fredrik…the real Fredrik Gustavsson…the real…

Yes. The real Fredrik Gustavsson simply wanted Seraphina back. I wanted the love of my life back so I could feel free again.

Is that what Willa wants from me? To see the real me?

I suppose I needed to find him again before I could show her.

And now I have.

I finally understand—everything.

I understand that the Fredrik Gustavsson who loved Seraphina Bragado, who walked with her and killed with her and fucked wither her, is the real me. I understand now, for the first time since Victor Faust’s friendship and my integration into The Order began to humanize me, that I am the one who fell. I am the one between Seraphina and me who changed. I was the one who betrayed her and let the outside world infect our perfect darkness.

Not long ago…

“Which side of her did, or do you, love more?” Izabel asked.

“I never said I still loved her.”

“You didn’t have to say it.”

“I loved Seraphina because she was like me,” I began. “I was a different kind of monster when we first met. She was the answer to everything. She helped me control my urges and showed me a way to still be myself without risking getting caught. We were perfect together, Izabel. I never prayed, and I never dreamed of anything, but she was both the answer to my prayers and a dream come true. She was everything to me.”

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