Page 78 of The Moment of Letting Go

I don’t know what I’m going to do from here on out. I think maybe I should’ve left days ago, before Luke and I got any closer. Before that first kiss out on the lanai. I know I should’ve done a lot of things differently. But I didn’t. And turning back now seems almost … impossible for me.

What have I done?

TWENTY-ONE

Luke

I’m sure that I like her,” I answer Seth. “A lot more than I wanted to.” I strip out of my shorts and toss them on the floor of the laundry room as I pass by, heading into my room in soaked boxers.

Seth follows.

“Well, I’m happy for yah,” he says. “I just hope this one doesn’t screw you over, man.”

I look back at him. “Seth, my exes didn’t screw me over, either,” I correct him and turn to my chest of drawers, shuffling open the second drawer.

“Yeah, I know,” Seth agrees reluctantly, “but this one doesn’t even live here.”

Shutting the drawer, I keep my back to Seth because I don’t really want him to see the tormented look on my face. Seth may be right about getting too close to Sienna—she’s afraid of heights (considering my extreme sports lifestyle, a fear of heights is almost a certain relationship killer) and she’s a tourist (she has to leave Hawaii eventually, and long-distance relationships require more work than most people are willing to put in); our chances couldn’t be more doomed—but nothing can change my feelings for her.

I walk over to my closet and yank down a clean T-shirt from a hanger, tossing it over my shoulder. I intend to hop in the shower after Sienna, though maybe if Seth hadn’t shown up I would be in there with her right now.

Maybe it was for the best that he did.

“Well, in any case,” Seth changes the subject, detecting the reluctance in me, “we were just wondering if you were still on for next week. I mean if you’re not up to it with Sienna being here, that’s totally understandable—might piss Kendra off, but who gives a shit, right?” He laughs, but it fizzles quickly when I don’t join in.

“Well, I don’t give a shit,” I say as I walk past him and back toward the living room. “In fact, do me a favor and …” I pause, thinking about what Sienna begged me not to do. “Well, just try to keep her on her side of the fence for a while. Don’t tell her I said that, just—”

“I got you,” Seth cuts in. “Don’t worry about it. But you know she’s going to throw a bitch-fit if you back out again.”

I slam the palm of my hand against the wall at the end of the hall and whirl around at Seth, my breathing deep and uneven, my jaw rigid. “I’m not going to back out!” I roar, the memory of my fatal decision to back out of China filling my head, but I calm myself fast when I realize what I’m doing.

A long, deep breath settles in my chest and I hold my eyes closed for a tense moment until I let the breath out and the anger along with it.

“I’m sorry, man,” I tell him, my voice coming out calmer.

“Nah, don’t be,” he says in a nonchalant voice. “I understand. You know that. And I wasn’t talking about Norway. I just meant—”

“I know, Seth. I know what you meant. I just … reacted.”

He pauses, letting me gather myself the rest of the way.

“So it’s a no-go next week then?” he asks.

I shake my head and plop down on a kitchen chair, sprawling my mud-crusted legs out before me. “No, I’m not going to do anything without Sienna. I want to spend all of my time with her while she’s here. After that, things will be back to normal.”

Seth remains silent, though I’m pretty sure of what he’s thinking because it’s all over his face. He knows I’m not looking forward to when Sienna leaves and things get back to normal. But it is what it is.

“Luke, man,” Seth says, looking at me with a concerned face, which is rare for Seth. “Look, you know that getting into your shit isn’t usually my thing, but you’re my best friend and I’d be lyin’ if I said I haven’t been worried about you since Landon died.”

“I know you have and I appreciate it, Seth, but I’m fine.”

“I’m not so sure you are, bro.” He cocks his head to one side. “It’s not just about you hangin’ back a lot when the rest of us go out doin’ stuff, but even when it comes to jumping, when you do go with us, it kinda seems like you’re—”

He stops and looks behind me instead of at me anymore.

“Like I’m what?” I ask, wary.

His big shoulders rise and fall with a heavy breath of preparedness.

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