Page 101 of The Moment of Letting Go

Luke raises his hand from afar and waves at me one more time before heading toward the plane. I wave back, my smile fighting against the nauseous feeling in my stomach.

“You could fly tandem with Luke,” Alicia says.

“Huh?” I look over, having barely heard anything she said because I was so fixated on watching Luke get into the plane. Finally her words catch up to me. “Oh, no, I couldn’t do it. I have a fear of heights.”

Alicia nods. “Understandable, but the best way to get over it is to face it head-on.” She makes a weird face while sticking a straw down into the cast to scratch her leg on the inside.

“If only it were that easy,” I say.

“I hear yah,” she says, steadily scratching. “But skydiving is really safe. If you ever decide you want to try it out, Luke is the best guy for the job. I actually jumped with him my first time.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” she says, pulling the straw out and focusing more on me. “Me and Braedon went out together our first time. I jumped tandem with Luke, and Braedon went with Landon. It was great. After that first jump, it became an addiction.”

I gaze back out at the plane as it goes into motion across the landing strip, getting ready to take off. I think of Luke, of him being on that plane right now, and that darkness grows inside of me again when I imagine him jumping out of it.

“Seriously though,” I hear Alicia say, “for people like you, who are afraid of heights, or just anything really, something like skydiving can change your life. I actually feel sorry for people who’ve never done it at least once.”

“Why’s that?” I ask, looking over at her.

Her black hair pulled into a ponytail glistens in the sunlight. Her dark brown eyes are full of kindness and are set in a small oval, olive-colored face with not a freckle or blemish or line anywhere to be found.

A thoughtful look appears. “It’s just something I think everybody should get a chance to do,” she says. “Explaining the experience itself wouldn’t do it justice, though. I think it’s a little different for everybody—kind of like a personalized brush with God, or whatever it is you draw your spirituality from.” She smiles and leans back, holding her petite weight up on her arms, her hands pressed flat against the grass.

The plane lifts off the ground and buzzes into the sky, becoming smaller and smaller as it flies higher into the blue ether.

I really do wish that I wasn’t so afraid. I’ve been afraid all my life and there comes a point when all you want to do is be free of it, when you begin to actually see yourself doing things you never thought you’d do. A year ago, I never gave a first, much less a second, thought to something like sitting in the window seat of a plane and deliberately looking out, or riding in a helicopter. But right now, as I sit on this grass under the bright sun, watching that plane become a little black dot in the sky above me, I can see myself doing it. And it’s not just because of Luke that I feel this way; I feel like I want to be able to do it for myself, so that I can beat this fear and finally know what freedom feels like. But I know that if I’d never met Luke, or Seth, or Kendra, or even Alicia, I’d still be doing the same thing I was doing two weeks ago in my comfort zone, and not being inspired by any of it.

“What about BASE jumping?” I ask Alicia, my mood growing dimmer all of a sudden.

“That’s a whole ’nother ball game,” she says. “Skydiving, like I said, is really safe. BASE jumping, on the other hand, is … well, there’s a saying: ‘It’s the next best thing to suicide.’ ”

I swallow tensely and what was left of my smile fades in an instant.

“What’s the difference?” I ask. “I mean, both are jumping from extreme heights and landing with a parachute.”

“Well, there’s a huge difference,” Alicia says. “With skydiving, it’s all in the wide open and there’s nothing around for you to hit. Plus you go much higher up—twelve, fourteen thousand feet or more, and have plenty of time to pull your chute. With BASE, you’re jumping from much lower heights—an average of a thousand feet or so. And you’re jumping from cliffs and buildings and bridges and towers—all kinds of stuff you can hit on the way down.”

I grimace, thinking about it.

“Why do you do it, then?” I ask.

Alicia smiles over at me. “Nothing makes you feel more alive than being that close to death.”

I say nothing.

After a few moments staring into the sky, Alicia says, “I’m starting to wonder about Luke though.”

I look over.

“What about him?”

She shrugs, her gaze still peering into the encompassing blue.

“I dunno, but I’m thinkin’ maybe his heart isn’t as into BASE as it used to be.”

I feel a little guilty for thinking it, but this news, if it’s true, makes me hopeful.

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