Page 92 of The Moment of Letting Go

“Do you still love it?” I ask instead.

Luke pauses, and as the silence wears on, I begin to wonder if he even knows the answer at all.

“Yeah, I do …” he says, and it surprises me because I think deep down a part of him—the larger part—doesn’t believe that.

“It’s the most freeing experience,” he goes on distantly, and I get the feeling that maybe the things he’s saying are coming from his brother. “Euphoria. Drink the sky, Landon always said. And I did. I drank it until I was so drunk I couldn’t see straight. I was blind and deaf to everything except the experience. Nothing else matters in the world when you step off that edge. Nothing else matters. The feeling is so powerful that you’re willing to die for it …”

Luke

Sienna’s face blurs back into focus. I realize I was so lost in thought for a moment that I had forgotten where I was.

But I know where I was … I was in my brother’s head.

I shake it off fast and focus on Sienna, the only topic that matters to me right now.

Damn … I’m so crazy about her, everything about her. And what just happened between us … I … There’s no going back now. I feel so protective of her, even more than I did before, as though her giving herself to me closed the door of my conscience and opened the one to my heart. I want to scoop her up into my arms and hold her forever, beg her to stay here with me, to forget about San Diego and her life there.

In the back of my mind, though, all I can think about is how much of this is going to be OK with Sienna. Because I’ve yet to meet a girl like her, who doesn’t BASE jump, but who can handle me doing it.

I hope she can. More than anything, I hope she can.

“What’s on your mind?” I ask her.

She snaps out of her thoughts and smiles at me.

“I was just thinking about it,” she says. “I was wondering … Are there many girls who do this stuff?”

Interesting. Is she asking in general? Or is she hinting around at something? Because if she is, I know damn well it’s not because she’s thinking of trying it herself.

“Some girls do,” I say. “I’ve known quite a few. Dated one for a short time. But the majority of BASE jumpers are guys.”

I wrap my arms around her and pull her close. I love the smell of her hair, her soft skin pressed against mine. I’m getting hard again.

“Are you a very experienced jumper?” I feel her body tense.

“Yeah,” I say. “I’ve got a lot of experience, have done a lot of jumps. And I’m not one of the reckless ones. Crazy assholes go out there with little training, thinking, ‘Hey, I can do this shit. I’m not scared of anything,’ and then their family is making funeral arrangements the next day. I’m very careful. In fact, I’m pretty anal about safety. I always checked Landon’s pack …” My voice grows distant again.

Sienna

I turn around and sit right in front of him, taking more notice of the tiny streaks and flecks of blue and green and yellow paint on one side of his neck and on his chest muscles.

“Hey,” I say, reaching out my hand and touching the side of his face, “don’t do that.” I brush my fingers softly against his skin, just above the stubble, rubbing away a fleck of paint. “No blaming yourself, all right? Do you think I’m a stupid person?”

He blinks back the confusion.

“Umm, definitely not,” he says.

I smile and brush the pad of my thumb over his lips.

“Then believe me when I tell you that his death wasn’t your fault. Take my word for it because I know what I’m talking about.” I lean in and kiss his lips.

Luke smiles faintly and hooks both of his hands about my hips.

“You’re an amazing girl,” he says. “Everything about you makes me want to be a different person. To be the person I used to be.”

I kiss him again.

“But I like the person you are,” I whisper onto his lips.

---