Page 73 of Our Way Back

When I woke up the morning after Dean kissed me, I scrambled to get dressed and left his hotel room as quickly as I possibly could. I didn’t know what the actual fuck I was thinking. My mind had been fucked up all day long, and when Dean came to my office, I snapped. My walls came crumbling down, and I let him see me. See the me that I've been hiding from my family and Dr. Reynolds. I had a breakdown, and it was utterly embarrassing.

I wasn’t surprised that he stayed to help me calm down rather than leaving when he saw what a mess I was.

As if admitting my feelings toward him weren’t bad enough, I fucking told him about my thoughts of jumping out of my office window. To be honest, it is something I think about. Sometimes, on the really bad days, I want to close my eyes and fall. Not even jump, just let myself gracefully fall. I want the rush. I crave the adrenaline. It’s not even about dying; it’s about feeling something.

God, I want to feel again. I miss the person I used to be. Before the manic episodes, before the highs and lows. I worry my medication isn't right for me, but I don't want to admit that or ask for help in fear that any new medication I may get might make me feel worse about losing Luca. I already feel bad enough, but my current medication numbs me enough that I'm not in constant agonizing pain and crippling with guilt over the fact I'm the reason for my son's death.

I want to feel without being scared. I panic when I start to feel anything, which leads me to take another pill that’ll numb my heart.

I want to feel so I know I’m alive and living, yet I don’t want to feel anything because then I’ll feel my pain too deeply and may not be able to cope with it.

I’m a walking contradiction.

It’s now been two full weeks since the kiss, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. The feel of Dean's lips against mine ignited a spark within me that I’ve been missing for so long.

Now, I don’t feel numb anymore. I feel alive, and he’s the one who made me feel this way.

It’s also been two weeks since we’ve spoken to each other.

We’ve been avoiding each other. Or rather, I’ve been avoiding him. He’s texted me a few times, and unless it’s been business-related, I’ve ignored it, leaving him on read. I don’t see the point in speaking anymore when we both know there will never be anything between us again.

Whatever it is that we once had died the day he left Seattle.

He wasn't there when I needed him the most.

Dean is my past, and it’s painful to be around him when I’m so obviously not over him and still seeking some type of closure.

I may not be in love with Declan the way I should be, but I am still married and have already crossed too many lines.

Our history will not repeat itself. What we had has to remain in the past.

“Camille? Are you okay, dear?” Lydia’s voice snaps me away from my thoughts. She called me yesterday and asked me to lunch today, and I couldn’t decline. It’s been too long since I’ve seen her, and I’m happy to catch up. She’s been lonely since her husband passed a year ago, and I’ve been too preoccupied with grief that I haven’t reached out to her even once. It was so good seeing her again at the gala last month.

I reach across the table, take her hand in mine, and give it a gentle squeeze. “Yeah, I’m okay. I was just thinking of what a horrible person I am for not reaching out to you sooner. I’m so sorry, Lydia.” She covers my hand with hers and gives me her sweet, motherly smile.

“Don’t apologize to me, dear. You were going through a difficult time, and I don’t blame you. Now, let’s order before I die of starvation.” She sits back in her chair and places the back of her hand on her forehead dramatically. “I can already feel myself beginning to wither away.” I sit back in my chair with a giggle.

God, I love Lydia. She’s been like a second mother to me since I was a child.

I pick up my menu but don’t look at it right away. Instead, I watch her. Lydia has never looked her age, and the only telltale sign are the few gray hairs that are beginning to peek through her short brown hair and the wrinkles around her eyes. She’d kept her hair long when I was younger, but now it’s cut to her shoulders but still just as shiny. She’s always been a beautiful woman, and Dean takes after her a lot. He is the perfect mix of both his mother and father.

Her brown eyes snap up to mine, and she smiles. “What’s on your mind? Something is going on up there.” She taps a finger against her temple.

“I was just thinking how great it is to see you. I’ve really missed you.” She grins.

“I’ve missed you, too, sweet girl. Please don’t disappear on me again. I need my girl in my life.” I laugh and give her a nod, mentally kicking myself for allowing so much time to pass between us without speaking

“I won’t, I promise.”

“Good. Now, tell me what’s going on with you and my son. I want to know everything about how you two are getting along working together.” She reaches forward for her glass of water. “Spill the tea, girly. Is that what you youngsters say?”

I burst out laughing. “Oh, Lydia.” I wipe at the invisible tears at the corners of my eyes for dramatic effect. “Hate to disappoint, but there’s not much to tell. We were able to finalize the designs fairly quickly, and construction has already started.” The waiter comes over and takes our orders and menus.

With a sigh, Lydia taps her middle finger against the table, choosing her words carefully before she opens her mouth and speaks. “You both followed each other around like lost puppies. I know your parents never let you two date, but you never needed that title. You were both so young but somehow already knew what love was. It’s such a beautiful thing to find that type of love and to find it so young. You two are fortunate to have experienced that. My Paul and I had young love, too, and we had a beautiful, full life together.” Sadness softens her features, and I know that she misses her husband beyond words. “I know you’re grown and married now, Camille, sweetie, but I truly hope one day you find happiness.” She sighs. “I know you’re grieving, and will be for a long time, but one day I hope you can be happy again.”

Is anyone ever truly happy, or do they just try and convince themselves that they are?

“Let me tell you a secret. Love isn’t easy, and it’s not pretty like you see in fairytales or movies. Love is complicated and can be ugly. It requires a hell of a lot of patience. Nothing worth having comes easy, love included. Paul and I didn't have an easy start to our relationship. We went to school together and broke up before we went away to college. Yes, we loved each other, but we wanted the chance to explore and make sure we'd never have any regrets later in life." She takes her napkin and dabs at the tears that are forming at the corners of her eyes. "We spent two years apart, and I missed him dearly every day. Finally, he said enough was enough and transferred schools to be with me. He had a new girlfriend at the time, but he was mine, and I knew in my heart we were meant to be together. So, I told him how I felt. The next day he left her and proposed to me. We were together from that moment on."

---