Page 71 of Dollhouse

I laid on my bed staring at my ceiling, not bothering to cover my naked body or even spare the monster in my room a second glance.

I was numb. So completely numb, that even when he wiped the tears away from my cheeks that I hadn’t realized rolled down, I barely registered his touch.

I felt nothing.

“You know you want this, don’t pretend that you don’t.” I ignored him until I heard the soft click of my door closing, and the sound of his footsteps against the old creaky wood floor disappeared down the hallway.

I stayed on my bed for what felt like hours. I’m not sure the exact time that passed, but when I finally sat up, I went right into the bathroom and stepped into the shower and used my berry bodywash to scrub myself until my skin was angry red and raw.

Just like how I would’ve felt on the inside if I could feel anything.

After showering, I dried myself and dressed in a white sundress that Willa had bought me today at a thrift store.

I braided my blonde hair in a perfect French braid that went to the middle of my back.

I was in the darkness of my bedroom, standing in front of the full-length mirror staring at myself.

I hardly even recognize myself anymore.

The life was gone from my face, instantly, I wondered if there ever had been life in my eyes. It was hard to remember when I felt completely content and wasn’t afraid of what the night would bring.

My hands moved down the length of my body, and with shaky hands I caressed my swollen belly. The moonlight was casting its glow into my bedroom window and shining on me, I was practically glowing with the moonlight shining on my white dress.

My baby chose that moment to make its presence known by moving and kicking against my ribs. I was nine months pregnant with my rapist’s child, and they still wouldn’t leave me alone.

I wasn’t even sure who the father was. There were three men that could be the father.

* * *

I don’t remember going outside.

The last thing I remembered was staring at myself with disgust and wishing my child wouldn’t have a pathetic excuse for parents.

Then I blinked and found myself in the garage picking up the red gas can and carrying it through the house, pouring gasoline everywhere.

I’d been watching myself do these things, but I didn’t feel connected with my body. It must’ve been an outer body experience?

Such a shame, once such a beautiful house, a home. Now it’s nothing but hell, a house filled with secrets and things I wished to forget, but never would.

The scars of my past and present were engraved in my brain, there’s not a single chance I would ever forget the hell I’ve endured in my short seventeen years of life.

Tiptoeing through the house, I poured gasoline everywhere.

Upstairs and down.

I used the electric lighter that Willa keeps in the living room to light a piece of newspaper and tossed it on the floor, watching as the flames and gasoline came together, engulfing the house in bright beautiful orange, red, and yellow flames.

Covering my mouth and nose with the sleeve of my dress, I ran outside, running to the end of the driveway so that I could stand back and admire the flames.

The flames didn’t care what objects they attacked and burned, they matched exactly how I felt inside.

I’d been hollow inside and desperate for someone to make me feel anything other than pain, and every time I was let down. It’s time I accepted that no one is coming to save me. I’m my own savior and I can and will protect myself.

I made a vow to myself right then at that moment.

They’re going to burn in hell for their sins.

Every single one of them.

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