Page 81 of Devoted Intent

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There’s a danger in getting everything you’ve ever wanted.When you inevitably lose it, the world feels darker and lonelier than it did before.Everything is harder—waking up, eating, writing, playing music.Over the course of the next week, I go through the motions, but any joy I had has been sucked out of my life.

I knew it was coming.I should’ve trusted my gut when I first read Robbie’s letter.It was only a matter of time before she realized I didn’t measure up and she was simply doing what Robbie told her to.I know she’s still in love with him—it’s why she could never say the words to me.

I wonder how much longer I would’ve gotten to hold on to her if we hadn’t run into her old neighbor.I barely remember Lily and Rick, but the way she ripped her hand from mine as soon as Lily walked over to our table is burned into my brain.I’ve never felt more like a mistake than I did in that moment.I’m certain she’d been about to let me down easy before Lily walked over.She had a look on her face—fear and an apology wrapped in one.Her response to Lily seeing us together made it even more obvious.

What’s worse is I’m worried about how she’s doing—old habits die hard.But I can barely force myself to function let alone take the time to reach out to her.

A knock on my front door pierces the silence.I get up from my couch, reluctantly turning on a light and squinting against its brightness.I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting in a dark living room or even what time it is.I open the door without bothering to look through the peephole first.There’s only one person who’s going to show up at my door.

Except when I open the door, it’s not one person, but three.Trent, Miles, and Kasen stand on the other side, their faces set in identical expressions of worry.

“Did I miss band practice or something?”I know I didn’t.I’m struggling, but I’m not so far gone I’d throw away the only thing I’ve got going for me.

“Can we come in?”Trent asks as he moves past me.Guess that was a rhetorical question.Miles follows him, running a hand through his long brown hair.Kasen comes in last, his hands in his pockets and his shoulders hunched like he’s not sure he should be here.But he is, and that speaks volumes after the hell we’ve all been through the past two years.

I’d offer them drinks if I could muster up the energy to give a shit, but I’m sure I’m in for some kind of lecture, so instead, I move to the couch while they sit in the other chairs around my living room.I sit down with a heavy plop, the weight of my body hard to hold up any longer.

“Let’s get it over with,” I mumble.

They all frown.Then Trent speaks.“We know about Jolie.We figured something must’ve happened, and we were waiting for you to be ready to tell us about it.But we can’t wait anymore because it’s clear you’re hurting.What happened, Tris?I thought things were good with you two.”

I fight the burning in my eyes.“Come on, Trent, we both know this was always going to be how it ended.”

He frowns and Miles asks, “How do you figure?”

I shake my head and shift forward, resting my elbows on my knees, my hands hanging between them.“She loved Robbie.I was just a consolation prize, a fucking rebound,” I say with a pointed look at Trent.

“Did she say that?”Trent asks, sounding livid.

“She didn’t have to.It was written all over her face.That’s all it was ever going to be for her.She—” My throat closes up and I have to swallow down my emotions to get the words out.“She doesn’t love me.She chose Robbie all those years ago for a reason, but I still thought maybe…” It hurts to admit I hoped this time I’d be the one who got the girl, but even in death, he gets her.

I don’t know what I lack that he has even when he’s dead.

“It doesn’t matter what I thought.It’s over.I’ll be fine.I just need a few more days to get my head straight and then I’ll be good.”It’s a lie.It was hard enough loving her from afar before, but now that I know what she tastes like, what she feels like in my arms—I’ll never be okay.

I was right before when I said she’d ruined me for other women.There will never be anyone else.I’ll play up the playboy persona, but the idea of being with another woman makes me want to vomit.

“Are you sure there isn’t a way to fix it?”Miles asks.

I shrug.How can I fix the fact I’m clearly not Robbie?

Trent scratches his jaw.“What exactly did she say?Maybe it was a misunderstanding.”

“It’s not.She said she can’t do this anymore and then she walked away.She seemed pretty sure of her decision.”

Trent reaches out and grips my shoulder, his eyes red-rimmed like he’s fighting back emotions on my behalf.

I exhale heavily and admit, “You were right.I should’ve listened to you and then maybe I wouldn’t be here feeling like shit.”

“I didn’t want to be right about this.Especially not after I saw you two together.I’ve never seen you as happy as you were with her.”

The reminder feels like pouring salt on an open wound, and I wish he’d stop.I already feel like I’m dying—I don’t need any help feeling worse.

He must see the way his words pain me because he squeezes my shoulder again.“We’ll be here for you, for whatever you need.We’ve got your back.”

“I know you do.”

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