Page 81 of Down to One

"Are you okay, Kat?" he asked as she coaxed the vehicle forward. "Something’s up and it’s not just Landon. Something happened when you took that call in the lobby."

Her tone listless, she filled him in on the phone call from her mother and Kyle and about Landon in the stairwell and how terribly it had all ended with him. Again. She wasn’t ready to talk about what she’d remembered. Wasn’t even sure she understood it herself.

"You didn’t meaneverythingstill stood, right?" Ellis asked when she finished telling him about Landon walking out and what she’d said to make him do it. "Not the part about only wanting to have hot sex with a baseball player, right?"

"Of course I didn’t meantthatpart," Katie said, but an uneasy sensation gripped at her heart. “You don’t think that’s the part he was referring to, do you? I was just thinking about the big stuff, like how I still couldn’t quit my job for him. I was just angry when I said that hot sex stuff. Surely that’s clear."

Except, she hadn’t made that clear. Not in the stairwell, and not during the millions of other opportunities she’d had to call or text him since that fight in her apartment three days ago. Not only that, he’d said he loved her, multiple times, and she’d thrown them all back in his face.

"I’m horrible," Katie said, pure, guilt-ridden, heart-broken acid clawing at her insides. "I’m a horrible, selfish, uncaring monster. Who do I think I am talking to him like that? He’s been nothing but sweet to me and I’ve been nothing but a…a…monster to him. I can’t believe he even talks to me still. Ortalkedto me, because I’m sure I just fucked that up."

"You’re not a monster Kat, you’re human. You’re emotional and scared and rightfully so because you’re dealing with a whole heck of a lot."

The whole upper part of Katie’s head felt like it was buzzing, blurring her vision, turning the headlights in the opposite lane to watery yellow blobs.

"I just can’t seem to make the right decision or say the right thing. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. My brain feels...exhausted."

Ellis laid a warm hand on her shoulder. "Because youareexhausted, sweetie. You’ve been running yourself mentally and physically ragged for Lori, emotionally ragged for your gorgeous ball player, and through it all, for some insane reason, you keep operating under the assumption that you need to please Kyle and your mother."

Katie let that sink in before her brow furled. "What? How am I trying to please them? I blocked Kyle weeks ago and my own mother tonight. They’re probably going ballistic because they can’t control me."

"So you’re not letting them dictate your relationship with Landon?" Ellis asked.

"No, I’m not," she insisted.

"Then why won’t you quit your job? Don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty cool working for a pro sports team and you are damn good at it, but the hours suck, the boss sucks worse, and the pay is hardly worth it. There are plenty of other jobs out there, even if Lori blacklists you. Fuck her. She can’t blacklist you from the whole world. Hell, I’d work at Panda Express if it meant being with Alex. The only reason you’re so worried about getting fired is because you care what your mom and Kyle are going to say. Fuck ‘em. You blocked them, don’t unblock them, don’t go back to Georgia, and go on and have a beautiful life with the man of yours and everyone else’s dreams."

He was right. She could have given up the job. She could have dated Landon secretly and ridden it out until they were discovered. There were other jobs out there, but only one Landon Ryan, and actually getting him to date you was like winning the freaking lottery—and she had ripped up the winning ticket because that’s what Kyle and her mom wanted. She’d been so caught up in making sure they didn’t control her life, that she’d let them do exactly that.

Katie intended to tell Ellis that he was right. Three simple words—you, are, right—that’s what she expected to come out of her lips. She said something else entirely.

"There was someone else there."

A stillness hung in the car, a pitying silence that lasted just long enough to confirm that Ellis knew what she meant.

"Kat…pull the car over."

She did, bumping over a curb and into an empty parking lot. She didn’t turn off the car, didn’t put it in park, just kept her foot on the brake and stared at the steering wheel. Ellis waited until she was ready to talk, but she didn’t have much to say. Didn’t know much. But she had to voice what she did.

"I was on the bed, face down, and I must have woken up. My arm was twisted funny and cold. I wanted to curl up, but my limbs wouldn’t move, my head wouldn’t move, only my eyes and I saw…oh fuck, no, no, no,noooo."

"Saw what, Kat? Just say it. Trust me, it feels better when you just get it out."

"I saw...I saw the bottom of the door swing open and there was a curtain…with swirls…and then, then…there were some shoes. They weren’t Kyle’s shoes. I remember his shoes. Wejoked about them at dinner, and those weren’t his shoes. He never wore boat shoes. He brought someone else there, El. Someone who did…stuff. Why? How? How could he do that? How is this okay?"

"It’s not okay, sweetie. It’s not okay at all."

She swung her chin up to look at Ellis. Sweet, funny, outrageous Ellis who Katie would never have dared to speak to in her old life. Who was she kidding, she wouldn’t have condescended to. And with that sickening knowledge about herself and the sickening knowledge of what had happened to her, the sobs finally came, wetting her cheeks and neck and shirt, shaking her chest and shoulders. Ellis reached for her and she latched on, pulling him as close as possible in the awkward angle across the console so she could cry all over his shirt.

"He was wrong," she finally managed to say after a long while. "He was so, so wrong."

"Who, sweetie?"

"Dr. Walton, my old therapist, he was wrong. He said I’d be glad I remembered. I wish I hadn’t remembered. I really wish I hadn’t remembered."

LR

Landon Ryan>

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