Page 34 of Cougar

“I want to write some letters to Jay.”

I frowned. “I don’t understand.”

“Emerson, I’m not going to live long enough to see my daughter’s eighteenth birthday.” He closed his eyes briefly as the harsh reality of his words sank in. “I’m going to miss so many important milestones in her life, but I want her to know that even though I’m not there physically, I’m still there. Where should I start?”

“Marcus,” I breathed as tears pooled in my eyes. I wasn’t sure it was a good idea, but I sympathized with his fear. Who was I to deny a dying man his wishes? “Okay, my love.” I smiled. “What can I do to help?”

Emerson

A gentle brush against my cheek stirs me from a restless sleep. “Marcus?” I whisper, eyes still closed.

“No, honey,” my mother’s voice replies sadly.

Blinking the sleep from my eyes, my gaze falls on my mother perched on the edge of my bed, and it takes a moment to remember where I am.

“Welcome home, Emi bear,” she whispers, brushing my hair from my face like she’s done since I was a little girl. I don’t know where “Emi bear” came from, but it’s been my father’s nickname for me since as far back as I can remember. Her eyes flick over my face and the corners of her mouth dip down. “Did you not sleep well?”

That’s an understatement. It’s been months since I’ve cried for Marcus, but last night I lost it. Being in an unfamiliar house, sleeping in an unfamiliar bed, was a cold, harsh slap to the face. A reminder that my life has forever changed and my husband is gone. I was tempted to go upstairs and sleep with Jay, but I didn’t want her to see me falling apart.

“Not really,” I answer softly.

With a nod of understanding, she says, “I know the choice to come back wasn’t yours, and you didn’t make the decision lightly, but Heritage Bay is still your home. Just promise me you’ll try before you hightail it back to California.”

I exhale a heavy sigh. “I’m not going tohightailit back to California. Whether I want to be here or not, we’re here for Jay.”

She tilts her head, brows furrowed. “Emerson, every move, every decision Marcus made was for both of you.”

“I just need some time to adjust to the change.” I huff out a humorless laugh. “I’ve become quite good atadjustingto the changes in my life.”

“Emerson,” she breathes, her expression sad. “If you need me to come stay here with you for a while, I’m happy to.”

I truly have the most amazing mother in the world. “Thank you, Mom.” I place my hand on top of hers and sigh. “I’ll be fine. I promise. What time is it, anyway?”

She looks down at her watch. “It’s just after eight.”

I roll over, putting my back to her. “Why are you here so early?”

She lets out a soft laugh. “You’re still on rock star time.”

“Pacific time,” I correct her.

“Well that’s gonna change in a few days when Jay starts school,” she argues.

My only response is an “ugh” muffled by the pillow.

“All right.” She stands from the bed. “I’m gonna go have coffee with Grace.”

I lift my head from the pillow. “She’s up?”

“You’re not the only one having troubleadjusting.”

I roll my eyes and drop my head back on the pillow.

* * *

My eyes open at the sound of Jay and my mother whispering as they enter my bedroom. “This is nice,” Jay says as she scans the room.

It is nice. It’s different from the bedroom Marcus and I shared. A little plain, even, but it’s exactly what I would’ve chosen for myself.

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