Page 95 of Rewrite the Rules

“Your advance?” she shrieks and I flinch. “The advance you were supposed to use foryou? Maybe something to tide you over until you write your next book. Or buy a car. Or maybe take a vacation? And you blew it on a guy you’re calling your fuck buddy?”

“I didn’t blow it, Quinn. And…you’re right. He’s not just my fuck buddy.” My eyes fall to my lap. “I love him.” I finally admit what is crystal clear to everyone else. At least the honesty is a relief from the weight on my heart.

I expect Quinn to start rattling off warnings and ‘I told you so’s’, but instead she pats my knee tenderly. Her voice softens as she argues an entirely new angle. “Adler, you can’t tell someone you love them with a cat.”

“Felices sleeps on Joel’s bed almost every night and he orders his food from a gourmet deli for cats…I kind of think I can.”

“You need to make things clear once and for all. You can’t just avoid this conversation because it’s uncomfortable. Or because you’re scared,” Quinn urges but I shake my head lightly.

“I don’t think I have to. Somehow we just get it. It works. I’m happ—”

“Addie. You have to talk to him. This fuck-buddy thing has gone way past too far.”

“Isn’t that a little hypocritical? Have you laid everything out for Cody?”

“Yes. Explicitly. He is fully aware that I will die a workaholic spinster and I have no time nor interest in a real commitment.” She folds her hands together, unfazed.

“And he was fine with that?”

“I don’t make choices based on what Cody is or isn’t fine with. I make my choices based on what’s best for me. As shouldyou.”

My heart knocks uncomfortably, squirming under the heavy truth of her words. She’s right. This is just as much about what I want as what Joel wants. “What if I tell him how I feel and he doesn’t feel the same? What if he’s still not willing to be anything more than…this? I’ll lose him.”

Quinn grunts dramatically. She flies off the couch and rummages through my desk drawer. She returns to the couch with my F-Buddy Rules of Survival in hand. “Look at this thing. You and Joel have broken all of these. YouandJoel. This whole thing means so much more to him than just sex. Don’t you believe that by now?”

I scour over the rules one by one.Gift Rule?Yep, broke that one.Baby Rule?I just bought Felices a baby sister.PDA?Joel and I have definitely kissed in public outside the office. I leave my shit all over the place because I spend the night constantly. Our friendship circles are fully intertwined and I sure as hell can’t accept that one day we’ll end.

Hmmm. Point made. Maybe this whole time we’ve just beenpretendingto pretend. Maybe it’s been real all along.

“There are a few rules still in place,” I debate.

“Which?” She snatches back the rules and rereads them as she tucks her legs beneath her.

“The condom rule, the orgasm rule, and he still doesn’t know I gave him my virginity.”

“I never thought those should be rules. You shouldn’t decide out the gate how you have sex because it always changes as the relationship grows. And the virgin thing?” Quinn sighs heavily. “He should know what he means to you. You gave him such a big piece of your life. I think he deserves to know. It’ll mean a lot to him.”

Will it? Or will it send him running? Do I even have a choice here? How much longer can I hide my feelings from Joel? How much longer can I lie to myself?

I grab my phone to text Joel, to see if the stars align. Maybe we do need to talk.

Me:Thank you so much for the gifts. The flowers are beautiful. The lingerie is…not subtle.

Joel:You’re most welcome. Anything to get your attention lately.

Me:Are you home?

I twiddle my thumbs as it takes Joel an unusually long time to respond. I grab another piece of cheddar just to fill my hands to resist the urge to rapid-fire text him when I don’t get an immediate reply.

Joel:Sorry, I got a call. I’m still at the office.

Me:Have you ever heard of nine to five?

Joel:I have. I’ve also heard of unicorns, werewolves, and the Loch Ness monster.

Me:I want to see you. Tonight.

Joel:I’m wrapping up here. Should I come over?

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