Page 76 of Rewrite the Rules

“Why am I sad? It was really good…I think. He was wonderful to me. So why does it feel like this?”

“Oh, Bear.” Reese strokes my hair sweetly.

“Did I waste my first time? After all this time waiting, did I just throw it away on something that meant nothing?”

“You didn’t waste your first time. It was your first time with Joel. You’ll have another first time with the next guy. It’ll still be new and shiny and you can still have all the champagne, rose petals, candles, and Usher playing in the background.”

“Do you seriously bone to Usher?”

Reese closes her eyes and nods furiously. Her blonde ringlets dance across the pillow. “Like, religiously.” This is why I needed Reese tonight. I needed to laugh and for her to tell me this doesn’t have to be such a big deal.

“I didn’t expect to feel this hollow afterwards. Was it like that for you?”

“Not exactly. The first time I had sex I was madly in love and he loved me back. I thought it was the beginning of forever.”

“Oh.”

“But then he did a one-eighty and fucked me over—bad. I went through some really dark times andthatfelt hollow. My point is, whether it’s now or later, this stuff always comes with consequences. There’s no way around it. It’s give and take, push and pull, beginning and then an end. It gets easier though. You get stronger and I promise it won’t feel like this every time.”

“I don’t understand. I was fully aware this was just casual sex, I just…I…I even have rules! I followed them all. They were supposed to protect me.”

“Bear, those rules aren’t going to keep you from loving Joel. All they’ll do is keep him from finding out that you do.”

I nod and the tears flow again. They ride the bridge of my nose like a slip and slide, landing on my pillow. “Don’t tell anybody. Promise?”

“That you finally had sex or that you’re in love?”

I weigh the options. “Yes.”

Reese lets out a whispered chuckle. “Okay, fair enough. So what are you going to do? Do you think it’d be better if you stopped sleeping with him?”

I shake my head, determined. “The only thing worse than having him like this, would be not having him at all. I know it’s reckless, but I don’t want to let him go. I just have to do this his way for as long as I can.”

Reese opens her mouth but closes it, biting back the advice I know she wants to give. “Okay. You’re going to be okay.” She strokes my hair again. “Do you want me to stay with you tonight?”

I nod, feeling small, like the baby sister I am to all my friends. Reese smiles sweetly before rolling over and stealing the covers like she did for our entire stint at college and every sleepover thereafter. She likes to sleep like she’s wrapped in a tightly sealed burrito. “Try to keep your snoring to a minimum.”

“I’ll try. Hey, Pieces?”

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Bear.”

See, Joel? Reese is my friend. She loves me. How hard can it be?

twenty-six

Adler

Iforce my heavy eyelids open and tap the cool glass on my phone. I have so many missed calls and text messages that someone might get the wrong impression that I’m important. I look past my notifications and zero in on the large digital numbers telling me it’s well past noon.Holy hell.The last time I slept this late was last year when the flu took me down.

I peek over my shoulder to see a curly blonde veil covering Reese’s face. She’s still in a deep sleep. I poke her lightly and she grunts.Just checking.Reese sleeps like the dead. She makes no noise, she doesn’t fidget or roll, and I know for a fact that she is capable of sleeping through glaring fire alarms. Sometimes proof of life is necessary when it comes to her.

I wince as I move my legs to get out of bed. My lustful ache is replaced by something new this morning. Losing my virginity to a guy of Joel’s er…stature, is kind of like competing in a CrossFit competition, without ever having set foot inside of a gym before. Last night my adrenaline was pumping, and when put on the spot I was pretty impressed with what I could physically do. But I got caught up in the moment and pushed my body further than I probably should’ve. I won more times than I can count last night, but I’m paying for it this morning.

I need ice…or is it heat? Perhaps some ibuprofen. Maybe a horse tranquilizer will suffice. I clench my jaw and force my lower body into motion. I grab my phone before I hobble down the stairs.

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