Page 50 of Rewrite the Rules

Finish your sentence.Funny, I thought I’d need more coaxing, but apparently those three little words of encouragement are all I need to spill my guts to Tessa about Joel. Soup to nuts. From our first meeting to our first kiss, to his determination to keep us strictly friends. And my dwindling mastery over self-control.

“So, what’s the problem? You’re hot for him. He’s into you. Smash ’em together, girl!”

“Smash ’em together?”

Tessa arches one of her eyebrows. “Virgin or not, you understand the mechanics of sex, right? You certainly write like you do.” Tessa squints one eye in a way that says,‘need I say more?’

“I’m not questioning the mechanics, just your word choice. But anyways, speaking of the book—that’s sort of the problem. Joel readToy With Meand now I can tell something is off with him.”

“Off like how?”

“He wants to just be friends because he doesn’t want a long-term commitment. He doesn’t ever want to get married. But yet we get nervous every time we’re alone together because there’s just something between us…I don’t know. It’s like—”

“Addiction?”

“No…it’s more like breathing after holding your breath under water for too long. The first time I met him I had the strangest feeling like I was finally reunited with someone I was really missing, yet I didn’t know him from Sam. Weird, right?”

“So you want to be with him, but he doesn’t want any strings attached and you’re not okay with that?” Tessa asks the question I’ve been asking myself on a loop for the past twenty-four hours.

“I’ve never had sex, how am I supposed to know if I need the strings? I’m happy around him. He gives me all the attention in the world. He’s kind and funny and I’m content with how things are except for the physical aspect. Friendship isn’t quite scratching the itch for either of us. I don’t know…Joel is a blank space on the map.”

An impish smile consumes Tessa, cheek to cheek. She holds out her hand indicating her response is about to blow my mind. “If he’s a blank space on the map…go exploring!”

My eyes flash in pure delight.Yes, to awful tortured puns! Amen.We both crack up. Tessa and I are kindred spirits who find sanctuary inside of a hotel room with a cheap six-pack of beer when the rest of the Vegas-goers are currently lit up under neon lights.

“Have you never heard of a fuck-buddy situation?”

I close my eyes so she doesn’t catch them rolling in annoyance. “Yes, Tessa. I’ve seen every Lifetime romcom, I know what friends with benefits is. I’m just saying—is that allowed when you’re a virgin?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, is your virginity attached to some type of nineteenth-century dowry arrangement? Addie! Come on! It’s your life and your choice. You’re equipped to make this decision without asking for anyone’s permission.”

Am I?

Tessa rubs her hands together like she’s brewing an evil plot. “Sex is sex. Even for women. Intimacy is great, but you can absolutely enjoy sex without making the world of it. I’ve had it both ways. There have been men I loved and there have been others I fucked. Both scenarios meant a great deal to me, just in different ways. Hell, your boss could be your muse.”

Hmmm.I want Joel. It’s as clear as freshly Windexed glass. I’ve never wanted any man the way I want Joel. The only problem is if I get too attached, he’ll run. I don’t have to be his girlfriend to know I really like being the girl he talks to. Am I willing to risk it with sex? Then again, do I even have a choice? My lust for Joel is at the helm, quickly taking control. I don’t think my logic is capable of steering the ship any longer.

I’ve been driving myself crazy considering every pro and con. The con column in my mind only has one line, but it’s in big fat black Sharpie. Joel means too much to me. Is it possible to only have sex for fun with a man I have feelings for? And what kind of woman am I if I use sex to coax him into a relationship that he definitely doesn’t want? But what about what I want? Do I even know enough about relationships to know what I want?

Now that we’ve come full circle, I have a headache.

My heart and my body are in the middle of a vicious war, and I keep waiting for my exhausted mind to ride in like the calvary and tell me what to do.Wake up you tired biatch and help me!

“Is there a way to be with Joel withoutbeingwith Joel?”

“English please?”

“If I have sex with him, will I fall in love with him?”

“Ah. Well, are you running with the pack or are you the weak gazelle?”

“What?” Tessa’s question isn’t even a metaphor. It’s just nonsensical.

“If you’re the weak gazelle, as in you are the most likely to get taken down by the lion pack, and by lion pack I mean your feelings, then you have to set some very firm boundaries. You need to stick to the rules to make sure you keep this strictly about sex. Joel doesn’t need to be the love of your life to be your sexual awakening.”

“Right.” I nod. Okay, that sounds good. Whatever gets me closer to Joel and me naked together makes perfect sense. “Just one question—do I Google these rules, or…”

“Ah. I’m going to need that pen and pad of paper and another beer.” Tessa rummages through one of my conference giveaway bags and retrieves the writer freebies. I hop up to serve another round.

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