Page 110 of Rewrite the Rules

I open my mouth to eagerly agree, just to wipe the strain and concern from his face, but I hear a chorus inside of me. My gut, my heart, my brain, my body—this time they are singing all in perfect harmony. And I can’t ignore them any longer.

“No,” I admit. “But we have time. How can you know how you’re going to feel in five years? I know you have hurts and hang-ups, but I’m willing to wait. You can have as much time as you need.”

Joel sucks in a deep breath and releases it. He leans forward and strokes my cheeks with his thumbs. “Adler—I’ve been here before. I’ve had almost this exact conversation before. And it’s the reason I’m here in Denver in the first place. It only ends one way. Miserable. Bitter. You deserve so much more than maybes and ifs. I don’t know if I’m ever going to get there. In fact, I really doubt I will. And I can’t string you along and take years of your life because selfishly I don’t want to lose you.”

I steady my voice, pretending like I’m not afraid in this moment. “I thought with me it was different. I thought maybe I was the exception…”

He cocks his head to the side and looks at me the way you would a turtle stuck on its back.Pity.“I’m still me. I’ve felt the way I do about marriage for about twenty years. You can’t erase that in four months. Adler, you’re amazing but I still don’t want those things. And I didn’t stop to see that you do. So much. And I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to give that to you. We’re headed straight for a cliff.”

“Then why did you agree to be my boyfriend? Why did we make love last night?”

He looks past my shoulder. His eyes land near me, but not on me. “Honestly? Because I’mtrying.But they are just words, Adler.”

My ears are ringing. My head swells. “Just words?” I let out a gasp of a giggle. “I’m a writer, Joel. Words areeverything.”

Joel plants his lips on my forehead quickly. “I didn’t mean—”

“We can figure it out together. I want to be with you. I thought you wanted to be with me, too.”

“I do, but I don’t think we see relationships the same way.”

And then the hollow feeling rises and my sixth sense tells me that Joel just handed me the world last night…and he’s about to shatter it the morning after. “How do you see relationships?”

“As fleeting.” His tongue barely pokes through his lips as he moistens them. “Baby, I’m sorry, but didn’t I warn you?”

“Warn me of what?”

“A relationship with me leads nowhere. Are you honestly okay with that?”

Acid bubbles up in my throat and forms a solid lump. I have to choke down the swell before speaking.“No.”

He nods solemnly, feeling the compounding pressure of one little word. He wraps his arms around me and tucks my head into his chest and I let my tears wet his shirt, because the way he’s hugging me tightly, urgently, full of fear—I know what this means.

“We can’t do this, Adler. I’m going to hurt you and you’re going to hate me for it.”

There it is.

We’re over before we have a chance to begin.

“Do what?” I sniff into his chest as if I don’t know what ‘what’ means. I’m just savoring him while I can. His smell. His warmth. This moment in time where I almost got everything I ever wanted. He leans away and wipes a tear from my cheek. No matter, another replaces it instantly.

“Be together. Maybe we should go back to being friends.Justfriends.”

I snort loudly. Joel’s face twists and I don’t blame him because my response is completely inappropriate for the heartbreaking weight between us. But come on—how can he say that with a straight face?Friends? We were never friends… How can you be friends with a man you’re head-over-heels in love with? Maybe the rules would’ve protected me…if we had followed them.

“I can’t be your friend, Joel. And you know what else—”

I pause and consider acting rationally.You’re upset, you’re emotional, don’t—

“I quit. Aura. I’m done wasting time there and I’m done waiting for my life to happen.”

He flinches with a flicker of anger. Maybe hurt. All the emotions he doesn’t deserve to feel right now. Let’s not forget who is breaking whose heart here. “You need your job, Adler. Don’t quit because of us. Nothing has to change at work. Well, some things…but I still want to see you every day.”

I shake my head, resolute. I see it. Clear as day. Joel and me? It’s all or nothing. And he’s telling me all he can do isnothing.“Cody told me about your family a few weeks ago. I’m so sorry your parents had a rocky marriage. That must’ve been grueling when you were growing up. But it sounds like they love you. And your siblings. I have parents who didn’t want me. They tolerated me until they didn’t have to anymore. And it made me terrified of rejection—scared to give anyone an opportunity to tell me I’m not what they want. But you know what? I have to stop being afraid to face my fears and go after what I want.” I gulp and tilt my chin to the ceiling. “Do you love me?”

His mouth parts but nothing articulate comes out. “I—”

“What you want for the future…I understand that might take you time. And I know you’re scared. I never wanted to push you and I’m willing to wait until you’re ready. But after everything we’ve been through, this part you should know by now. Do you love me? Are you ever going to love me the way I love you?”

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