Page 109 of Rewrite the Rules

“—it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.” I finally will my feet forward. I sink next to him on the couch and he buries his face into my chest. I cradle his head as he nuzzles against me.

“I’m so sorry. Adler—you should’ve told me,” he mumbles and puffs of his breath trace the thin skin beneath my clavicle, warming me. “We blew past a monumental moment in your life, like it was nothing. If you would’ve told me—”

“—you would’ve run,” I finish for him. I laugh lightly.

“Maybe,” he muses. “Maybe not. I don’t know. I can’t imagine being with anyone else now. Missing out on you would’ve been devastating.”

God, he’s sweet.What was I worried about?

I trace my fingertips against his scalp, brushing the hairs on his head backward and forward. “Look how far we’ve come.” I smile. I don’t know what happily ever after looks like…but it probablyfeelslike this.

“Hm, indeed.” Joel rises from our somewhat awkward position and leans backwards on the couch pulling me with him. I’m strewn across his chest, nestled like a rabbit in its burrow—safe and secure. My heartbeat finally calms. Everything stills. The world is quiet. And then he asks a question that maybe I shouldn’t answer so honestly.

“Why’d you wait until you were twenty-five?”

“I don’t know…it just never felt right.”

“But it did with me?”

I rest my chin on his pec and stare up at his eyes. “I felt thethingI was waiting for. I didn’t even know what it was until you smiled at me in the office that day. I just knew I wanted this forever.”

If the sudden tension across his chest wasn’t enough of a tip-off, the pounding in his chest certainly is an indicator that something is wrong. Couple that with the loud gulp that makes his Adam’s apple dramatically jump. “Forever? Wait…wait.” Joel rises, forcing me upright with him. He holds both of my hands tightly in his. “We’ve been together for less than twenty-four hours and”—he locks his eyes on mine as clear evidence of the realization washing over him—“I was your first, the kitten, you told me you loved me last night…I don’t think…” He trails off.

I wait as long as I can before I all but beg him to finish his sentence. “Don’t think what?”

“That I’ve been seeing this clearly.” He grabs the rules off the table and holds them out to me like a prop. “Adler, what were these for? Why did you needrulesto sleep with me?”

I let my head knock against the wilting stuffing of the couch. “To keep myself from falling for you. Because I was trying to respect what you wanted. You don’t do relationships…or didn’t do them—I don’t know. I just wanted to have you whatever way I was allowed to. I wasn’t trying to manipulate you if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Joel shakes his head determinedly. “I would never think that of you.”

“Why are you upset?” I ask, my gaze scouring his pained expression.

“Not at you. At myself.”

“Why?”

“Because you spent the better part of four months worried about whatIdon’t want. Have you thought about whatyouwant?”

I squeeze his hands tightly. “You. I just want to be with you.”

Joel brings the back of my hand to his lips before releasing me. “Give me a tangible answer. You have me right now…but that’s not what you really mean, is it?”

“What?”

“Marriage…kids…you want the whole nine, don’t you?”

“Not this minute. I can be patient.”

Joel ducks his head and rubs his brows with two fingers. “Answer something honestly for me.”

“Okay,” I barely whisper.

“What if this is as far as it goes and I can only be what I am to you right now?”

“Joel—I’m happy.”

“And in another year? Or two? Or five? What happens if I can only ever be your boyfriend and nothing more? Tell me, are you going to still be happy with that?”

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