Page 79 of A Spring Dance

He licked his lips, uncertain. “I… It seemed wrong to… leave without a word. I wanted to tell you… I wanted to assure you that I… I bear you no ill-will, no resentment. To the contrary, I am grateful, truly. It seemed better to me to part on good terms, in case you thought—”.

The words dried up, and he licked his lips again, watching her, his eyes never leaving hers. They stood facing each other, barely three feet apart, yet it might as well be a mile. Still he made no move to leave, waiting for her to speak. If only he would stay! If she could find some way to keep him there, keep him talking, stop him from walking out of the door and out of her life for ever, then perhaps… But what could she say? Her mind was blank.

But he had not yet left, so there was still a chance. Desperately floundering, she said, “What regret?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“You said… one regret. Only one.”

“Oh, that.” He smiled, his face lighting up abruptly like the sun coming out. “I never kissed you when I had the chance. It would have been permissible when we were betrothed, but I never even tried, fool that I am. Now we part without that memory to keep me warm. But perhaps it is better so.”

Oh, that smile! No man should have such a smile, one able to enchant the hardest heart and then shatter it into a thousand pieces. She shook her disordered mind into some response.

“Is it?”

“If I had stolen one kiss from you, then undoubtedly I should want another and then another and where would that end?”

“Wherewouldit end?”

A strange expression crossed his face — longing, perhaps? Was it possible? But it vanished in a flash. “In a dark place with nowhere to hide,” he said, with savage intensity. But just as swiftly, he recovered himself and his countenance changed. The stiff mask was back in place. “I must not detain you any longer, Miss Whittleton. Good day to you.”

He bowed again and turned, and this time he would certainly have left.

He must not leave! She knew in her heart that if he left, everything he said would come true — she would go home to Bath and she would never see him again. But if he would stay… oh, if only he would stay! If only she could tell him all that she felt, the terrible yearning that filled her when she thought of never seeing him again…

She flew across the room to bar his route to the door.

“I regret it, too.”

Words she had not intended to say. But she had to stop him leaving, she had to!

Now there was a definite wariness in his eyes. “Eloise…” A long pause as he gazed at her, his expression shifting constantly. “Eloise… what do you want from me?”

“Do you hate me?” she blurted. “You should, you know. I tricked you into a betrothal and then made you look a fool by jilting you.”

Astonishingly, he was not riled at this bald summary. He even gave a little smile. “How could I hate you? I am very far from hating you.”

“But you must be angry, yet you have never railed at me, not once. You ask me what I want — Will, I want to see everything that is in your heart…everything.I can guess what is there, but I need to see it brought into the light of day. The anger at my trickery… the resentment at having to pretend to be pleased… the hurt at discovering my duplicity… the relief to find yourself free again. All this and more you must feel, and you have hidden it well… too well. You hide behind the carapace of formality, but what is hidden inside? Anything? Or nothing? Are you even capable of emotion, Will?”

Her own pain was creeping in, but she could not suppress it. He had accepted their engagement without a qualm, seemingly, and the breaking of it with very little more. Now he proposed to walk out of her life with no more than a dry, dispassionate speech. It was unendurable! If she were of a more melodramatic nature, she would have hurled something breakable at his head.

“Hurt…” he said, abruptly. His eyes dropped to the floor. “Iwashurt when you called it off. I thought… I mean, I was taken by surprise at first, but then… I had a vision of us, a married couple with our children at our feet… riding together… or sitting of an evening, with you at the instrument. And I… I rather liked that vision, you see. I was… happy with the prospect. Wanted it. So I was… disappointed.”

He raised his eyes to her face again, and for a moment there was a dreadful bleakness there that made her want to weep and take him in her arms, rocking him like a child. Then his face cleared again, as if a curtain had dropped over it.

“But anger? Resentment? No, not that. I wish you well, Eloise, as I have always done.”

He was resisting, but she had seen…somethingin his face, some fleeting expression that gave her, beyond all reason, cause for hope. How could she find out what he really felt? There was one way…

“Kiss me, Will.”

Whatever control held him in check still, hers was gone. There was no trace of ladylike behaviour left in her, just raw emotion. Desire. Love.Need.She needed him to kiss her, just once, and then he might leave, if he wished. If he truly wished it.

“Please. Kiss me before you go.”

28: Proposals And Betrothals

Will froze. All his carefully constructed insouciance dropped away in the face of her pleading. Herdesire. How had he ever thought her devoid of emotion? There it all was, laid out before him… the eyes suspiciously bright, the hand that reached for him, then fell back, daunted. How could he deny her?

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