Page 91 of Wicked Dix

“This wasn’t supposed to end this way!”

Shaking my head, I snicker. “Yes, this is exactly how it was supposed to end. This is what we both deserve! Goodbye, Ms. Harte. I do hope you have the most miserable, most dissatisfied, loveless life you deserve. Oh,” I add, holding up my finger. “Remember when I said I was sorry for destroying your life? No? Neither do I.”

I rub my bloodied fingers on my jacket and smile as I leave behind the carnage I created. It’s a sight I’ll never forget.

Once out in the hallway, I take a minute to calm my ragged breathing and stop my racing heart from exploding out onto the carpeted floor. When I’m composed enough to walk, I press the call button and hope like hell no one is in the elevator because they’ll think I’ve just slaughtered a family. Thankfully, the cart is empty, and I ride it to the seventeenth floor.

The moment it stops, I step out and march down the hallway with one final stop in mind. A door shouldn’t hold any sentimental value, but it does, though it’s what lies just beyond this door that has me leaning my forehead against the wood grain and bracing my palms above me.

I don’t even alert Madison that I’m here. I simply close my eyes and imagine she’s standing on the other side, listening to my confession. The confession which is the first step to living this new life.

“Madison,” I croak, sounding weak and pitiable. “I’m so sorry,angelo. I know you’ve heard it all before, but I’m selfish, and I need to keep saying it just in case you can find it in your heart to forgive me. You once told me you were weak and afraid, but you’re not. You’re the strongest person I know. I know that you’ll get over this, and that you’ll move on. And…I want that for you.I want you to be happy. I wish that could be with me, but I know it can’t. You go find yourself a good man, Madison. One who will treat you right. One who will treat you how you deserve. We’ll always have Paris. Or, in our case, Rome,” I say, wishing this wasCasablanca. “Goodbye,angelo. Never forget to smile. The world is a brighter place because of it.”

I can suddenly feel Madison. Her entire presence surrounds me, and before long, I’m drowning in the memories of what we once had. I can smell her sweet vanilla scent, hear her soft, shallow breaths, and taste her warm, tender kisses.

But my recollections of her will slowly fade, and eventually, I know that my memories will wither into blackness and she’ll be gone. I’ll question if what I’m remembering is actually true because the mind does amazing things to cope with grief.

But for now, I’ll cherish every memory I have. It’s the only thing that’ll get me through this. It’s the only thing that’ll stop me from breaking down this door.

I stay pressed against the wood, knowing that when I pull away, I’ll never come back. I know that Madison is better off without me. Doing the one selfless thing I can, I push off the door and say goodbye to the love of my life for good.

On the drive home, I can’t help but think that seizing the day isn’t what it’s cut out to be.

Idon’t know how many hours I’ve been sitting here, slumped against my front door. Four? Maybe five? It doesn’t matter, however, because if I rise, I don’t know what to do.

I can’t believe tonight actually happened. I can’t believe Dixon and I are actually over. I never thought I could hurt more than I have in the past, but tonight proved me wrong. Dixon’s words tore through me, and I doubt I’ll ever heal. Nothing could ever have prepared me for what he confessed because I would have never believed he was capable of such sin.

But he is.

When Beth called and spewed out her lies, I didn’t want to believe her, but a part of me knew she was speaking the truth. I think I always knew there was more. But love reallyisblind, andI chose to believe that Dixon was the person he claimed to be. But I don’t even know who that is anymore.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel betrayed and deceived, but most of all, I feel numb. I fell for someone whowastoo good to be true because that person doesn’t exist. I fell in love with a fraud.

Thinking of Dixon in this light turns my stomach, and I place my hand over my mouth to stop myself from being sick. My body is fighting me, and so is my mind, but I have no other choice. This is my reality. I can never forgive Dixon for what he’s done.

How can I?

I can’t trust him. And what’s a relationship without trust?

I’m not totally naïve, and I don’t buy Beth’s innocent act for one second. Dixon may be a lying asshole, but he’s right. What does he have to gain by telling me what he did? Every single disgusting detail he revealed I believe, but every word from Beth’s mouth I do not. I know who she is. I have known from the moment she watched my brother rape me and did nothing.

I know I’m in no frame of mind to be making any decisions, but funnily enough, after tonight, I think I’m ready to tell my mom and Sebastian the truth. I need them to know who their son and daughter really are because my silence is protecting them.

Beth will never change. Lying to me to save her own ass shows that her telling me the “truth” was her way of pegging this entire mess on Dixon. She was hoping I’d fall for her lies, but I’m done being played for a fool.

Raising my weary body slowly, I feel as if my muscles have gone five rounds with Mike Tyson. My legs are like Jell-O as I try to stand without falling down. I place my arms out to the side, attempting to regain my balance. It takes a couple of minutes, but when I think I’m able to move, I take my first step and go in search of my phone.

My bag is on the other side of the room; I vaguely remember throwing it there in rage as I stormed through my home, not knowing what to do or where to go. So many emotions were and are still charging through me, but once the reality of what happened hit home, I fell into a sobbing hysterical mess and stayed that way until I heard, no, until IfeltDixon at my front door.

My traitorous body somersaulted in delight, so happy to hear his voice, so happy to have him near. I wanted him to tell me it was all a dream, but when I heard his solemn confession, I knew that nothing had been more real.

I crawled, dragging my body toward the front door, desperate to hear him one final time. But when I heard his broken voice, I knew that this reallywasthe end. Dixon and I were no more.

His words were the sweetest he’s ever spoken, regardless of the context because they were filled with nothing but sincerity. Not once did I doubt him, but it came too late.

Today was meant to be the happiest day of my life. If only I knew this morning what I know now, I would have pushed the pause button and lived happily in denial. I got offered two placements. One was the dream offer, and the other… the other was one that I confidently said no to. But now, that offer is my only hope of surviving this.

I scroll through my emails and type out a quick message to my teacher, hoping I’m not too late. I’ll probably regret my decision in the morning, but for now, this is the only thing that feels right.

---