Page 32 of Knocking up his Nanny

CHAPTER 20

So, I finally quit. I gave up on relationships. I am doing it.

I’m actually becoming a nun.

No lie.

After staying at Rudy’s for a few days, a quick Google search of the nearest monastery, and “how to become a nun” gave me all the information I required, and I’m ready to leave behind all my earthly possessions. I didn’t have much, anyway.

That little spark of hope in my sad vagina blossomed into a full-body glow when Spruce was close. But now it’s totally dead.

Anyway.

It’s actually a very complicated process, becoming a nun.

It turns out that it takes about six years, and there are various steps along the way. First is my observership. It’s a three-month sentence where I must stay in the monastery and participate in all the proper activities befitting a nun. I don’t get to wear a habit or veil yet, those things need to be earned.

After around two years of being a “postulant” I begin my novitiate, and I will receive my habit and veil in a ceremony—along with a new name. Basically, my first nun graduation. But then it takes several more years before I make my temporary vows, continuing life as nun. Then finally, I make my permanent vows, and I get more cool stuff—a cowl, black veil, ring and psalter. These things will symbolize my spousal relationship to God. Meaning I’ll be married to him. Forever.

Pretty intense, right? But I think it’s more reliable and safe than bothering with real men.

I’m pretty excited about it. The only thing I will feel sad about is never having children of my own. I do love children dearly, and always dreamed of being a mother—it’s a bit hard to let go of that dream. Especially after getting so close with Hazel and Holly. I really felt like their mother, sometimes. But it was all an illusion. Losing them was possibly even more painful than losing Spruce. But I’ve been assured that many of the nun’s activities involve children. So hopefully, I’ll still get to spend lots of time with lovely little ones.

Graduating with a degree in fashion design wasn’t super useful, so maybe dedicating myself completely to God will be a better fit. Maybe it’s just what I was meant to do.

“Are you sure you want to belong completely to God?” the Mother Superior asks.

“Yes,” I respond.

“And you’re sure this isn’t just a whim because of a bad breakup?” she presses.

“My whole life is a bad breakup,” I tell her. “For the first few years of my existence, my biological parents didn’t even bother to give me a name. They never held me, or spoke to me. I was just kept locked up in a room, chained up like an animal while they did drugs. Surprisingly, I didn’t end up with any learning or speech impediments. I guess even though no one talked to me, I could hear them talking through the walls. So, I taught myself.”

“I’m so sorry,” she tells me.

I smile at her. “Well, it’s okay. Myrealmother, the one who raised me, she just made a miraculous recovery from cancer. So… yeah, I’m pretty grateful to the big dude upstairs for always having my back. No one else does. Everyone else just lies to me.”

“We do not refer to God as ‘the big dude,’” the nun tells me.

“That’s something I am sure I will learn in nun school,” I assure her.

She nods gravely. “It sounds like you’ve had a difficult life. We are a world filled with sinners, and it’s a noble pursuit, to leave that behind and try to be closer to divinity.”

“Well, sign me up! Nundom, here I come! Nunship? Whatever you call it. Everyone says I would make a perfect nun, so nunnify me! Oh, wait. That sounds like ‘mummify’—please don’t mummify me. Only Nunnify me.”

“None of those things are real words,” says the Mother Superior, with a frown. “But we will do our best to help you find what you seek. If you are truly ready to release all ties to material possessions, and your previous life. We will help you find peace.”

“Peace sounds perfect,” I tell her honestly.

* * *

I’ve been stayingat the monastery for a month now.

It’s funny, because the time spent sitting in silence has given me some wisdom. I’ve grown to forgive Spruce, because I’m sure he didn’t mean to deceive me. It’s possible that the woman claiming to be his wife had some kind of mental illness, perhaps. She did not seem totally okay. But that’s all the more reason he should take care ofher.The mother of his children.

I still think it’s best that I’m here, far away from him and his wife, to allow them a chance to reconnect.

Sometimes I do question my decision. But mostly I’m happy to be here.

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