Page 15 of You Can't Ruin Christmas

“Do you think maybe there were some condoms in Santa’s Sleigh?” This is a question I never thought I would ever ask anyone in my life. I find myself grinning madly. I am sure that Santa has lots of delightful gifts to bring joy to grown-up boys and girls, too.Ho ho ho!

“Even if they were, they would have burned up in the crash. Or frozen since the crash. Do condoms freeze? I guess they could have been both burned and then frozen, and I don’t think those sound like very effective condoms to use, right? So—yeah, if he keeps looking at me like that, I might get pregnant.”

“Yikes. Someone’s going to find out what it means to get her eggs nogged!”

“That’s not funny, Mary.”

“Can I be a good sister and Amazon-Prime you some condoms? Does Amazon even work in Alaska?”

“Of course, it does. This isn’tAntarctica. But sometimes the bears steal packages from your front porch—especially if they think the boxes might contain food. I’ve lost some groceries that way.”

“See, Eve? You shouldn’t have rejected all those good bears on Tinder. I bet some of them even Super-Liked you. Now the bears will keep cockblocking you, and you’ll never be able to get condoms for Christmas.”

“Oh my god,” she says with a sigh. “Well, unfortunately, due to my location, most packages also take over seven days to arrive. That’s the fastest shipping I can expect. It gets worse during snowstorms, of course. Way worse than Minnesota.”

“Damn, girl. When you say you’re escaping society, you actually really escape society.”

“I try my best,” Eve says proudly. “So, how’s the latest audiobook coming along?”

I forgot to mention that a small percentage of the work I do is for my sister. “I am in the recording studio right now, finishing it up. Should I try to get it done before heading home? I think the soonest flight I can get is this evening. But it could take me three or four days to finish this, especially with edits…”

“A little bird told me that an awesome sister of yours had a recording studio set up in the basement of the family home in Snowflake Creek. Complete with equipment. So, you can just head home immediately and finish it up there.”

“When did you do that?” I ask with surprise.

“I’ve known that Dad was getting worse for a while, and I wanted us to be able to go home at a moment’s notice without it disrupting your work, in case of emergency.”

“That’s really thoughtful, Eve. But I wish you had told me.”

“I didn’t want to worry you if it wasn’t serious.” Her voice sounds a little down. “I thought maybe Mom had it under control…”

“It’s okay,” I tell her. “I’m booking my flight for tonight, and I’ll give you updates as soon as I arrive. You focus on taking care of Adam. The veryfirst manto crash land in your snowy paradise. Your wintery Garden of Eden. Can I just offer one piece of sisterly advice?”

“No. Don’t. Mary. Seriously.”

“Don’t eat the apple, Eve. Don’t eat Adam’s apple.”

She groans. “I hate you.”

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