Page 6 of You Can't Ruin Christmas

“You will be soon,” I assure her.

“Tell me something good, Mar.” Her voice sounds sleepy.

I feel like she is a child again, asking me to read her a bedtime story. I feel tears spring to my eyes, wishing that she was closer so that I could tuck her in and take care of her.

“Tell me about Sebastian,” she asks with a whimsical tone. “Did he propose yet? My life is so empty, I need to hear about your epic romance with your dashing hockey player. Let me live vicariously through you.”

“Uhm,” I respond, nervously. “Things are… good.”

“What’s it like having someone love you?” Clara asks.

The question makes my heart hurt. “Well,” I respond, wanting to protect her from the truth and let her be a child for a little while longer, despite her age. Believing in love is like believing in Santa Claus, and as the oldest, my parents made sure I understood that it was necessary to let the younger kids believe for as long as possible. That’s what I need to do now.

“It’s magical, Clara. I mean, last night, I was kind of down, and he just gave me this incredible hug—I don’t know how to describe it. It was like a dream. It was… like when you dance. That same feeling of being carried away on some kind of beautiful cosmic melody, where all the cells in your body are humming in harmony, and you feel like you’re exactly where you need to be, with the person who was meant to be there with you, who feels exactly the same as you do. And you just know it in your bones, that it’s right, and good. And it feels like home.”

“Mmmmm,” Clara says happily as she drifts off to sleep. “I love you, sis.”

“I love you, too, sweetie.”

When I hang up, I feel a bunch of emotions hit me. Guilt for lying to my sister—something I never normally do. But I couldn’t tell her that I got dumped and probably cheated on a million times, and that love actually sucks ass. And that’s what she has to look forward to in life. I worry for her. I wonder if we all pushed her too hard when we discovered she had this talent, and if she’s missed out on all of the other important things that life has to offer while she’s been focusing on dance.

And mostly just longing. Longing to see her again and make sure that she’s okay, and give my baby sister a hug. I doubt my hugs are as good as Sven’s, but I am willing to try. I hate hearing that she is stressed and afraid. But there is very little I can do to help from the other side of the country.

I am hugging my phone and stressing about all the things as the drowsiness takes over and lulls me back to sleep.

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