Page 64 of Craving the Player

The entire situation with Cole and Toronto has created acrack in our relationship, one that Idon’tthink can be fixed simply with apologies and hot make-up sex. Braden is hard to understand at most times, but now more than ever. I’mterrified to tell him that I’ve made the decision to go to Toronto. He won’tgive me achance to explain myself before he runs.

"You're ridiculous," Sophie scoffs. Wrapping her fingers around the metal rack she was just sorting through, she turns to me with aheavy scowl. "Clearly, you're into him. And boy, does he do an awful job of hiding his feelings for you. He never takes his damn eyes off of you, always watching like if he looks away for asecond somebody else might snatch you up and steal you away."

Istare at my bare toes as they stick out of my strappy sandals and shake my head, flushing. "It doesn'tmatter, Soph. I'mleaving, in case you forgot. Itold Clark this morning after Igot off the phone with you. Ishouldn'teven be going to this wedding. It’sgoing to make telling him that much harder."

Her eyes nearly pop from their sockets. "He doesn'tknow yet? Dammit, Sierra."

Idivert my gaze, shame falling heavy in my stomach. "Iwould have told him today, but you should have seen how nervous he was when he showed up at my office. It would have ruined everything." Idrag my fingertips down amauve coloured velvet dress before clenching it in my hand, fighting off the sting in the back of my eyes.

"Oh, you silly girl. Itold you that this would happen. Friends with benefits doesn’twork. Haven'tyou learned that from the thousands of movies about it? The couple always ends up in love."

"Idon'tneed an 'Itold you so' lecture right now, Sophie. Idon’tknow what to do." Itip my head back and blink at the ceiling, pushing back the guilt-laced tears that have begun to collect in the corner of my eyes.

"Are you finally going to admit to yourself that you have real, big girl feelings for him? That'sprobably agood place to start."

My voice is small and chalked full of regret. “Ialready have.” It was impossible not to. Idid an awful job of keeping the lines drawn between love and lust, and now I'mgoing to break my own heart. And Braden’s. He doesn’thave to tell me how he feels, Ialready know. He’sdone just as awful of ajob hiding how much he cares about me as Ihave.

Friends don'tact the way we do unless they feel something beyond an ache between their legs. They have to feel one in their chest too. One far stronger, impossible to ignore.

Iwanted to say no to this promotion, to moving to Toronto. But regardless of how Igot it, Icouldn’tturn it down. Ipromised myself that Iwouldn’tlet anything get in the way of my personal successes. Of my career. Cole is just one boss of many, he won’tbe around forever. He’ll get bored of me once he realizes he won’tget anywhere with me. He’ll move on and back off. But an opportunity like this may not come around again. Iwould be stupid not to take it.

The thought of leaving Clare and Liz makes my stomach hurt to the point that Iwant to kneel over and scream. They’re the only family that Ireally have, and Idon’twant to leave them. It makes me physically ill. But when Idrove to Clare’slast night with abottle of cheap wine and tears in my eyes, she was persistent that Igo. That Istop worrying about them so much. She pulled me into her arms and hugged me like she used to when we were kids. We cried together, and then we laughed to the point of crying again. It was the first time that Ifelt like this might be the right decision. And I’ve been clutching onto that feeling ever since, too terrified that it will disappear if Ilet it go.

Ihave all of my ducks in arow. All but one.

Sophie touches my arm, pulling me out of my head. “You need to tell him, S. And not just about Toronto, but how you feel. It isn’tfair to him if you don’t.”

"Iknow that Ido. Shit, Ihate that he doesn'tknow that I'mcrazy about him. Even when he makes me want to yank my hair out piece by piece.” Ismile for asecond before it slips away again. "The thought of leaving him here hurts more than Iwas expecting."

With all of the sleepless nights spent with my legs tangled in his, our belly-aching laughter that kept Clay up night after night, and the helpless fluttering of my heart with every whisper of my name on his lips, Inever stood achance. Ihave no idea how I'msupposed to go back to how my life was before eating Italian takeout on the floor between Braden’slegs, watching reruns of Law & Order became what Ilooked forward to at the end of the day.

"Have you thought about asking him to go with you?" Sophie asks after aminute of silence, her lip tucked between her teeth. She watches me nervously, like she’safraid of what my reaction will be.

"Yeah, right.” Isnort, the sound angry. "Braden isn'tthe type of guy to chase after agirl he isn'teven officially involved with. And his entire life is here. Icould never ask him that."

Sophie doesn'treply with words, only asimple nod of her head as she turns back to arack of cocktail dresses. Ididn'tmean to come off harsh, but that idea isn'tsomething Iwant taking root in my mind. There'sno need to make this any worse than it'salready going to be. Iwon’tbe able to handle it.

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