Page 81 of Forever My Saint

Uncaring that we’re in a room full of people, I press my lips to his and kiss him softly. “Ditto,” I whisper against his mouth.

The kiss is chaste, but the promise behind it is anything but modest. My worries soon ebb away. Zoey’s irritated huff has me smiling because maybe, just maybe, things will work out just fine. And when Larisa enters, whistling in approval of the food laid out before her, I’m hopeful that my luck will finally change.

Dinner was a complete success.

After three servings of mac and cheese, I was convinced Larisa had come over to the dark side. It was nice to see her smile and joke with Pavel. The mood was relatively relaxed, but the unspoken lingered.

Once we finished our meal, we had to deal with what tomorrow would bring. All of us would be embarking on personal journeys that would change our lives forever. Alek excused himself after dessert. I guessed this sense of normalcy was too much for him to handle.

Although my future is uncertain, at least I know I’ll have one. Alek, however, will not.

Sara insisted on doing the dishes so I could shower and pack. I didn’t argue because I could use some time to myself. Once I sorted through my clothes and zipped up my suitcase, a sense of finality overcame me. This was really it.

I’ve showered and changed into the polka dot pajamas Larissa bought for me. Fingering the frilly lace collar, I can’t help but admire something so small because I look out of place. Yes, back at Alek’s house, I had every lavish garment at my disposal, but something so ordinary as pajamas reminds me of the simple life I am about to return to.

I have forgotten what it feels like to be normal. I’m sure, in time, I will adjust, but as I look at my makeup-free face in the mirror, I wonder if I want to. Will the simple life, after everything I’ve seen and done, be enough?

Sighing, I rinse the toothpaste from my mouth, dispelling such thoughts. I slip into my boots and jacket, ready to tackle the run from the house to the barn. Just as I grab my suitcase, the door opens, but who I see on the other side has me pausing in my tracks.

“Oh, sorry. I thought it was unoccupied.” Just as Alek is about to close the door, I reach out and grip the handle, stopping him. I’ve caught him, and also myself, off guard. He peers down at my hand, confused.

He waits for me to explain, but honestly, I don’t know what to say.

“What time are you leaving tomorrow?” he asks, breaking the silence.

“I’m not sure of the time. But Pavel did say at night.” This is to ensure we don’t rouse any suspicion.

Alek nods once.

Regardless of everything we’ve been through, I have always had something to say. Whether it was to hurl abuse at him or pretend to like him, I was never speechless until now. The inevitability of what he’s doing hits home, and my stomach fills with dread.

This is his decision, but I need him to know how I feel. I don’t know why it’s important, it just is. “How can you go into this knowing you’ll die?”

I’ve never been one for pretenses, and I don’t plan on starting now.

Alek sighs, and for the first time ever, he appears defeated. “Didn’t you?”

His question wasn’t the response I was expecting.

“Although our circumstances were different, you knew your choices would most likely get you killed or, at the very least, hurt. So do you really need to ask me that?”

He’s right. I never gave up fighting because I would have rather…died than surrendered. I lower my eyes, swarmed with guilt.

As my hands once were, Alek’s hands are now tied. He would rather die in a blaze of glory than live cowering in fear, and I respect him for that. Throughout this all, I can say without shame that Aleksei Popov is one badass motherfucker. But that doesn’t help chip away at the lump in my throat.

“Hey.” With the gentlest of touches, he places two fingers under my chin. I go willingly, allowing such a gesture because it’ll be the last time. The thought has a tear falling. “Don’t waste your tears on me.”

He sweeps it away with his thumb.

“I am so sorry for everything. I know it’ll never be enough, but I need you to know it anyway. I don’t expect your forgiveness; I don’t deserve it. But you were the most pleasant surprise, Willow Shaw. And I meant every single word that I’ve said. But so have you.”

His comment has me sniffing back my tears.

“You promised me that you’d never beg, and you were right. You haven’t.”

This was said when he was certain he would take my virginity and win my love, but those words were spoken in what seems like a lifetime ago.

My heart begins to quicken because something monumental lingers on his tongue. I don’t want him to say it because it’ll awaken so much if he does.

---