Page 86 of A Hate Like This

I don’t break our staring contest until the minister says, “At this point I’ll welcome everyone and talk a little about love and how sometimes in life you can’t see the forest for the trees, and how often we’re too busy seeing all the obstacles in our path to get a whole picture of what loving someone is all about.”

He smiles at the happy couple. “You two met at a time when you both felt you had enough on your respective plates and thought you couldn’t handle anything more. I think it’s important for your friends and family to hear how love managed to reprioritize your lives for the better because you never know if there might be someone in the congregation who needs to hear that love really can conquer all.”

I chance a look at Ethan again. He’s still watching me. His eyes bore into me like he can see right through me. The truth of the minister’s words, coupled with Ethan’s intense gaze, is almost my undoing. All I had to do was let Ethan in. Instead, I found every reason under the sun to close the door on him. Tears start to pool in my eyes.

“Then we’ll move on to you two reading the vows you wrote,” the minister says. “Go ahead and practice them now, unless you want to surprise each other tomorrow.”

“I’d like to practice,” Harper says.

“Same here,” Digger agrees.

My brother and his soon-to-be wife turn to each other and hold hands. Harper is the first to speak. “Digger, when I met you, I wasn’t looking for love. My life was so chaotic and full, I honestly never expected to find love again. I’m not even sure I wanted it.”

Girl, I feel ya,I think, but obviously don’t say.

She continues, “Even though you didn’t need any drama in your life, you were still so supportive, helpful, and great with my kids. I didn’t so much as open the door to you, as you crawled under it, completely evading all the walls I’d put up.”

Dear God, Harper knows exactly how I feel.

She pauses for a moment to compose herself. “Digger McKenzie, you are everything I could have ever hoped for in a husband. You’re kind, patient, passionate, and you’ve welcomed me and my children into your life with open arms. That kind of acceptance—that kind of love—is a gift. I’m not sure I deserve it, but I happily accept it.”

A choking cry escapes my mouth and everyone, including Harper and Digger, turns to look at me. I quickly wave them back to the matter at hand, but I don’t as easily contain my emotions.

Harper promises, “I vow to honor you, cherish you, protect you, love you, and accept you, not only until the end of my life, but until the end of time.”

Loud,gut-wrenching sobs explode out of me like a live canon. I manage to stop them long enough to say, “Please pretend I’m not here. I’m fine.”

Digger raises his eyebrow. “It’s a little hard with those choking sounds. You gonna be okay, Moira?”

Common courtesy requires that I say yes, and that I pull myself together instead of hijacking their rehearsal. But of course, that’s not what I do. “NO!” I shout.Shout.“I’m not okay. I’ve totally screwed up everything and I don’t know how to fix it.”

The pastor looks at me with wide eyes. “Do you suppose we can help you work things outafterwe’re finished with the rehearsal?”

“I’m sorry, but I think I have to deal with this now.” I take a deep breath, then say, “I’m so sorry about this. I know I’m behaving horribly, but there’s something I have to say.”

Instead of continuing to talk to them, I walk over to Ethan and stand in front of him. When I look up at him, I see complete shock at the spectacle that I’ve drawn him into.

“Ethan,” I practically choke on his name. “I have been so unfair to you. All you’ve done since you’ve come into my life is to make my world better. You selflessly do things for me and the boys. You’ve freely offered your help, your time, your worldly possessions. You make me feel important and you make me laugh. And in return, I was awful to you. I know you made that date with that model right in front of me, and there’s a chance that you actually do want to go out with her and that you’re totally done with me. I get that. But I’m hinging everything on the hope that you only did that because you were hurt about how I acted when you tried to tell me you loved me.”

Without letting him say anything, I continue, terrified that if I stop talking, he’ll turn me down. “Ethan, I love you. I. LOVE. YOU.”That bore repeating.“I don’t care where I live so long as I’m with you. And I know this isn’t the right place or time, but I have to know if maybe you might still love me too.”

A dead silence fills the church. Swallowing hard, the only sound I hear is the pounding of my heartbeat in my ears. My knees feel weak, as I wait for Ethan to say something. Anything. Yes. No. Anything would be better than this horrible silence.

I stare into Ethan’s eyes and watch as his look of shock is replaced by a giant smile. My heart soars as he says, “Wow, when you make up your mind, you really make up your mind.”

I chuckle through my tears, my heart still thumping.

“First off, I never should have flirted with Bridgette like that. I’m sorry, and you were right, I only did it because I was upset.” Rubbing his hand across the back of his neck, he says, “As stupid as it sounds, I was hoping it would make you jealous, and that if you felt jealous, you’d maybe realize you had feelings for me too. I promise I’ll never do anything like that again.”

“You never have to,” I tell him. “Because now you know how much I love you, and I’ll spend the rest of my days proving that love to you.”

“You’re everything to me, Moira. I’ve never felt so alive or had such a sense of purpose as I have since I met you and the boys. These last weeks, knowing I was going to miss out on a lifetime with you, have gutted me. I want to be with you forever. And if it means living here in Alaska, or California, or the moon for all I care, the answer is yes. Yes, I still love you. Yes, I want to be with you and the boys more than anything in this world.”

He lowers his head and plants the mother of all kisses on me. It’s not just a kiss, it’s a promise for a life together. It’s everything I’ve wanted for so long but was too afraid to hope for. It’s all the beauty and truth and hope I put into my vision board come to life. It’s the start of a new and perfect chapter in our lives. Shouts of excitement erupt from the small group as my boys rush the altar to wrap us in a football huddle of love.

Several minutes pass before the minister asks, “Are you planning on getting married right now or might we see to Harper and Digger first?”

I face the bride and groom. “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what came over me.”

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