Age 17

“Ashes”by Claire Guerreso blasts out the speakers of my convertible as I drive the final few miles before I get back to the Marsh mansion. I have the roof down and strands of my straightened brown hair fly around my face. I stop on the shoulder just before the gated entrance of the community we live in.

It’s been eleven weeks since I left, and I haven’t talked to Levi once. I spent the summer in London with Oliver and training with some of the Olympic team from Great Britain and a few others from various European countries. It was an amazing experience but cemented my desire not to continue swimming past the collegiate level. I love the sport, and I love winning, but I don’t want it to be my entire existence.

Oliver and I had a great relationship that lasted almost an entire year. He was exactly what I needed to keep distance from Levi last year. We spent almost every free second together, and while he doesn’t know me in the same, deep core way that Levi does, he knows the me I am now better than just about anyone else.

They got into a few fights last year. I explained my history with Levi to Oliver, but I held back on the depth of our feelings. I think he had an idea, though, when Levi caught him leaving my room early one morning when we just started dating. Levi broke his nose in one punch. Oliver retaliated by busting Levi’s lip and giving him a black eye. I had to scream for Frank to come break them up. Needless to say, from that point onward, I spent most of my time in Oliver’s dorm room on campus.

We were always clear from the outset of our relationship that we wouldn’t do long distance after he graduated from FPA. It didn’t make saying goodbye to him a week ago any easier though. I cried. He cried. His mom cried. I know he’s hoping that we’ll find our way back to each other. Who knows? Maybe we will.

I tilt my head back on the headrest and smile at the heat of the sun seeping into my skin. I’m totally stalling. I don’t know what waits inside the sleek and modern mansion I call home from Labor Day until Memorial Day. Will Levi be there? Will I be witness to another awkward walk of shame this weekend? Will it hurt as bad as it did before?

I shake off the worries. I’m a different person than I was a year ago. I’m more confident and less interested in bowing to any of the petty politics of the kids at FPA. I just want to swim, graduate, and move on to Yale next year. Maybe go on some dates and have fun with new guys.

The only thing I do hope stays the same is movie night with Levi. At least twice a month, he and I would spend a night cuddled together on the couch watching movies and sharing gummy bears. We never crossed the line beyond the occasional lingering hug or me running my fingers my through his sandy blond hair, but the sexual tension always hung heavy in the air between us.

I start to pull back on the highway as a beat-up truck pulling a U-Haul drives past me and through the community gates. I take a deep breath passing through the wrought iron and granite gates. I pass Griff’s house, and my heart starts to beat a little harder because a half-mile down the road is our house. I hit the button on the garage door opener and pull my car in. Levi’s G Wagon and Frank’s Maserati are both gone which leads me to believe I’ll be the only one home.

Thank fuck for that.

I can’t even handle the thought of dealing with my mother right now. She was awful last year. Anytime she could catch me alone, she’d drop snide comments about my body. How I look like a boy. Passive aggressive comments about whatever she caught me eating. She even tried to get Frank to fire Babs for not following her directions to feed me a low-carb, low-sugar diet. Levi stepped in and said he had overridden her directive to Babs because of the amount of calories I need to consume for swimming. Frank was actually pretty pissed at my mom for meddling in my athletics like that, not surprising since he was an athlete.

I pull my suitcases out of the trunk and into the house. If I didn’t want to get all unpacked, I could probably leave them for Levi or Frank to carry up for me, but I only have two days until school starts, and I want to be all settled again. Plus, who needs a man to lift the heavy stuff?

I am woman. Hear me roar.

I open my bedroom door and step into the room I haven’t seen in almost three months. Almost everything is the same aside from my concert posters being pulled down. I don’t need three guesses to know who did that. A post-it note with barely legible chicken scratch draws my eye. I know it’s from Levi without even reading it. After years of writing letters back and forth, I’m probably one of the only people capable of reading his handwriting.

Ives,

I won’t be home until Sunday.

Save the day for me.

-Levi

I smile and run my finger over the note. It’s sweet that he took the time to write a note out when he could have just shot me a text. The thoughtfulness of the note puts the tiniest crack in the wall I’ve erected around my heart against him. I puff out a breath and roll my suitcases into the closet. Maybe I’ll FaceTime Oliver later to help keep my mind off Levi and see how he’s settling in at Oxford. I mull it over while I sort and hang all my clothes. I still don’t have enough to fill this giant closet.

“Ivy?” my mother calls from the bedroom.

“In the closet,” I answer back after a moment’s hesitation. I brace myself for whatever bitchiness she’s going to sling my way.

“When did you get back?” she asks from the doorway in a fucking tiny bikini that barely covers her nipples and is probably a thong. If I actually liked my mom, I’d high five her for doing her, but I don’t like her, and I definitely don’t respect her. She’s just a social ladder climber with the depth of a puddle.

“About twenty minutes ago.”

She glances around the closet with disproval. “You want to go shopping?”

“Sure,” I don’t care who asks me that. I’ll shop with just about anyone. It’s my second favorite sport. “When?”

“I’ll clean up, and we can go. Frank is golfing so we can meet him at the club for dinner after.” She turns to leave and, yep, I was right. Her bikini bottoms are a thong.

I roll my eyes and keep unpacking. Dinner with Frank actually sounds great. I know he has some sort of history with my dad, but he’s been nothing but supportive of me. He’s not around much, but he made it a point to see me swim. I didn’t have one meet where I didn’t have a cheering section last year. Levi and Oliver were at every one of them. Usually shooting dirty looks at each other. If my dad couldn’t make it, Frank would. Several times Connor and Griff even came. Isaac and his mom made it to the meets in Connecticut. The one person who never came was my mother.

Frank and I sat together for all Levi’s games last year. Sitting next to a former quarterback was enlightening. I went from being mildly interested in watching Levi play to knowing the names of certain plays. Our mutual love of math and numbers bonded us as well, to the point where he’s offered me any internship I want at the bank, which would be amazing since I’m planning on majoring in accounting and finance.

After I finish putting everything away, I walk downstairs to wait in the living room. I sit on the couch and start scrolling through The Ridge. I haven’t opened the app in months because I didn’t really want to see anything about Levi over the summer. I doubt he’s gotten a girlfriend or anything, but still, I don’t want to see pictures of him with other girls. Surprisingly I don’t see many photos of him with girls hanging off his arm or in his lap. There’s plenty of him with Connor and Griff, but it seems like they’ve avoided being photographed with their worshipers.