Page 79 of Dr. Off Limits

Jesus, we were being really careful. We never left the hospital together. We never went out, day or night. The only time we’d acted like a normal couple had been in Norfolk. “Okay, then we’ll be more careful.”

She shook her head. “How? I can never go to your house now. It’s impossible. She’ll probably lie in wait, just hoping to catch me out. And she’ll be looking for other signs, no doubt.”

The swirl of dread in my stomach picked up speed and spread into my lungs. “It feels like you want to tell me something else.”

“I don’t want to tell you anything.” She shifted in her seat so she faced me. “But... there’s no way forward for us.”

My breath stuck in my throat and I tried to tell myself it was just anxiety, that my body wasn’t starting to shut down. Subconsciously I’d known what Sutton was going to say from the moment I got the text. There’d only be a couple of reasons she would have broken her rules to contact me during a shift. Ending things between us was one of them.

My breath started to seep back into my lungs and I found my voice. “Let’s find a way forward,” I said. “I don’t want to walk away from you.”

She bowed her head. “I’ve thought about nothing else all day, which is another reason why this isn’t a good situation to be in. I should have been focused on the job.”

This was everything Sutton had been worried about when we’d gotten together.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.” The bar Sutton set for herself was several meters higher than most foundation doctors. But I knew my words were wasted before I’d finished my sentence. Sutton couldn’t help but be hard on herself. It was how she’d survived what she did. It was how she was sitting next to me. “I’m sure we can make it work,” I said.

“Not everything works out for the best.” Her tone was worn with experience.

“We just need to let things cool off until...”

“Until when? Like Parker said, I’m not going to secretly be pregnant with everyone wondering who the father is. It was inevitable that this is where we would end up. You’re always going to be going for the next promotion—it’s who you are. And I’m never going to want to be sleeping with the boss. That’s who I am. I don’t see either of those things changing.”

My thoughts were scattered in every direction. I was searching for a solution and coming up empty. She was right, but I didn’t want her to be.

“So even though I hate Gilly, she’s just made us skip to the end a little quicker than if things had taken their course.”

She seemed so matter-of-fact about things. Maybe because she was used to disappointment. She was used to sacrifice. It didn’t make it any easier to bear.

“I really like you,” I said.

“This has nothing to do with whether you like me. Or whether I... Whether I think you’re just about the best man I’ve ever known.” Her voice cracked at the end of the sentence and she paused. “It’s nothing to do with any of that,” she whispered. “It’s about doing what we need to do to get where we’re headed.”

“I’m not sure where I’m headed now.” It was a flippant remark. I knew exactly what she meant and she wasn’t wrong. Perhaps we should have never given in when we were in Hertfordshire. Maybe my heart wouldn’t feel quite so heavy in my chest at this moment if we’d managed to stay away from each other.

“It’s for the best,” she said, squeezing my hand.

I wished we weren’t in the car. I wished I could at least pull her into my arms. Feel her hands on my chest one last time.

“At least we switch rotations in a couple of weeks. There’s a chance we can avoid each other.”

My stomach churned at the thought of having to avoid her. I didn’t want to. But she was right, it would be easier if she wasn’t around me all day, demonstrating her good instincts, brilliance, and warmth. “It will take more than just a different department for this to be okay.”

She nodded. “I know.”

I wanted to get out of the car and run somewhere. I wanted to transport myself to Norfolk and fill my lungs with sea air and walk until my legs wouldn’t carry me any further. I wanted to scream at the sea about how unfair this all was.

“Maybe...”

She shook her head before I finished my thought, let alone my sentence. “Don’t say maybe there’s a chance things will change or we’ll find a solution. We both know it won’t happen. It will be easier if we just accept the way things are.”

I hated seeing her so steeled. We could figure this out. “I think you’re bright and special and wonderful and—”

She squeezed my hand as if willing me to stop.

“I should go.” She stared at our linked hands but didn’t try to move.

“Look at me,” I said.

Quick as a flash, she withdrew her hands and pressed her palms to my cheeks. “Thank you.” She pressed her lips against mine. Almost before I’d registered it, her warmth had left me, the breeze from her opening the car door hitting me in the chest. All I could do was sit as she got back into her car, reversed, and drove away.

I couldn’t chase after her—this was what she wanted. This was what I wanted.

Wasn’t it?

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