Page 14 of The Ex

‘Crikey,’ he says.

‘Crikey,’ she repeats, as if what he has said is stupid, and again shakes her head.

The chips arrive, ketchup, mayo; cutlery wrapped in serviettes.

Naomi dips a long chip into the mayonnaise and bites off the end. ‘Yum.’ She dips it again, this time into the ketchup, and slides the rest into her mouth.

‘I thought…’ Sam begins, consciously avoiding looking at the shine the chip has made on her bottom lip.

‘You thought what?’ Another chip makes it whole into her mouth. ‘Sam? What did you think?’ Her voice is not unkind.

‘Nothing.’ Suddenly short of breath, he sips then gulps his soda. Feels it running down, cold inside him.

‘Sam? What’s this about? Why are we here? I thought the record was an excuse to, you know… see me.’ Her chin juts, her eyelids half lower in what looks like a challenge.

‘I thought…’ he says again, inwardly cursing himself. Naomi used to call him a coward. She was right. He slides the salt across the table like a chess piece, makes himself let go of it, look up, meet her eye. ‘I just… I mean, what is he, about six, seven months old? Tommy. The baby you were… looking after.’

‘He’s seven months. His mum had to have him in hospital in the middle of the pandemic, poor thing. Can you imagine that?’

‘Who’s Cheryl?’

She frowns, her eyes downcast. Shrugs. ‘She’s… she’s a friend. Just a girl from work.’

‘I’d never heard of her before, that’s all.’

‘Why would you have? She was kind to me at a difficult time, not that you’d know anything about that either.’

It’s all going wrong. His breath is coming fast now, shallow. Naomi dips another chip, eats it. Another. She sips her drink, puts the glass back down on the table and stares at him. Another moment of painful stillness passes.

‘I’m sorry. I thought when I saw you with him that he might be… I mean, he’s fair, with blue eyes, like… I mean, I thought…’

‘Oh my God,’ she almost whispers, as if to herself, before looking at him again with that intense burning directness. ‘You thought he was yours, didn’t you?’

His neck is hot, his face. ‘I… no, I…’

‘You did, didn’t you? You actually thought…’

He can’t look at her. Instead, he lets his eyes fall to his lap. There is a blob of ketchup on his jeans, which he wipes with his thumb, smudging it into a dark smear. ‘I didn’t think anything, I—’

‘Well he’s not, OK?’

‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘I didn’t mean anything by it.’

‘Wait.’ She frowns. ‘Isthatwhy you arranged to meet me? Not to see me at all, but… Did youactuallythink I’m capable of doing something like that?’

‘Of course not! It wasn’t as thought out as that. I… It was good to see you.’ His scalp prickles, all sense of what he planned to say gone. ‘It was just… it was difficult, seeing you out of the blue like that, that’s all. A shock, I suppose. And you seemed quite nervous. I mean, I guess it could’ve been me that was nervous, not you, but maybe you were too. You seemed like you didn’t want me to have seen you and the baby. And the baby… Tommy… he’s blonde, with blue eyes, and the dates and everything… and afterwards I… Look, I didn’t just think it, OK? Ihopedit. I hoped it.’

Naomi shakes her head. When she speaks, it is with her mouth full; she covers it with her fist. ‘Well, that’s why you’re a fool for leaving. Precious little chance of having a kid now, isn’t there?’

‘But you didn’t want a family. You said—’

‘I said I wasn’tready. Not the same thing, Sam. Not the same thing at all.’

Momentarily, his confusion clears. She did not say this. She said she never wanted children, not ever, even said once that she hated them. So why would she say now that she does, or did? Why would she be looking after her friend’s child when she doesn’t like kids and isn’t really the sort of person who would go out of her way to help others?

‘Sorry,’ he says. ‘Forget I said anything. I didn’t mean to—’

‘You never mean to.’ Her tone is drenched in bitterness. ‘And yet you do. All the time. You always did. Classic Sam, the whole lack of emotional intelligence disguised as oh-don’t-mind-me.’ She imitates his voice, moving her head from side to side like a puppet, her hands spread, her eyes wide. ‘It’s only gentle giant Sam; he doesn’t mean anything bad.’

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