Page 63 of The Housewarming

‘What do you mean, how come? How come I was home?’

‘Yes.’ Shame burns in my cheeks. I cannot look at him. The enormity of what I’m asking dawns, but it is too late to go back.

‘I’d been to the builders’ merchants to get some stuff, why?’

‘I suppose… I suppose finding out Matt lied to me has turned me inside out. I worry my memory might be playing tricks on me, that’s all, and I thought maybe you could shed some light on things I probably had an explanation for at the time but have since forgotten what that explanation was, do you know what I mean?’ I am gabbling, I know I am, but I press on. ‘It’s just… I’ve not seen you to talk it through, have I? Not till last night. It’s just that at the party, Johnnie mentioned that you always got in early. Every day, he said, you got in before they left for work, and so I’m obviously wondering why you didn’t that day, of all days.’ I pause. I don’t dare say any more.

Neil says nothing, so I dig myself further in.

‘It’s just that if Abi went missing after they left for work,’ my voice shakes, ‘and you were always there before they left… I don’t know, I…’

‘You’re wondering why I wasn’t there? I see. Well, now you know. I went to the builders’ merchants at Apex Corner.’ His tone is flat. ‘Do you want me to find the receipt?’

Oh God.

‘I’m not accusing you of anything, Neil. I’m just trying to piece it together in the light of my own husband…’ I steel myself, determined not to let my emotions make me say something I’ll regret more than I already regret coming here. ‘Why did you say you didn’t know the Lovegoods’ kids?’

‘Did I?’

‘You did. Just before we went to the party.’

His mouth turns downwards, as if he hasn’t a clue what I’m talking about.

‘I can’t remember saying that, to be honest,’ he says. ‘But I didn’t know them, not really. They were out all day, and by the time they got back with the nanny, I was pretty much on the way out. I teased the older one a few times…’

‘It’s just, at the party, you reacted so violently when Jasmine called you “Pockets”…’

‘No, I reacted when Johnnie Arsepain Lovegood couldn’t stop himself from telling everyone I was his labourer. And I was already wound up because I didn’t want to go to his stupid show-off party in the first place and Bella was bending my ear about all the fixtures and fittings and we’re… we’re under pressure at the moment… she was doing my head in. Where are you going with this anyway?’

‘Please don’t be cross. Matt says I’ve got to accept that Abi died that day. That she drowned. Probably right here. But it’s so hard.’ My throat fills with tears, the ache of them, and when I speak again, my voice is a thin, serrated edge. ‘It’s so hard without a body. It’s so hard to believe that no one, no one saw her. I know it would only have taken her five, ten minutes to walk here, and I know it would have been before the road filled with mums and kids and all of that, I know it’s just about possible, but that’s all it is.Just about possible. And with no body, that’s pretty bloody unsatisfactory.’

‘I thought someone had seen her?’

‘They weren’t a hundred per cent sure. It came to nothing.’

‘I know but they could’ve seen her and thought she was lagging behind or what have you. Is that it? Any more questions? It’s just I’ve got to be up early.’ He stands.

I remain on the wall, make myself look up at him. His brow is furrowed; his expression that of someone who can feel his temper shortening but is trying to hide it.

‘I saw Jasmine this morning,’ I say.

‘Yeah?’

‘She… she recognised Mr Sloth. You know, the plush toy you gave—’

‘I know what you mean. Christ, Ava, you don’t need to explain it.’ His tone is different. Harder. ‘I told Matt he should have thrown that out or kept it in a memory box or something. I don’t know why he wants Fred to have it. I said we’d buy him a new one. It’s… I dunno… a bit morbid if you ask me.’

‘I know. I felt the same, but… why would Jasmine recognise it? Why would she know its name? That day… the Lovegoods had left the house before Abi went missing. How would she even have seen it?’

His face closes. When he looks at me, it is in a way I have never seen him look before – it is the way you look at someone when all affection for them has vanished.

The slightest shake of his head. ‘Have you dragged me from my bed to accuse me of something?’ He is almost whispering. ‘Is that what this is? What the hell do you think I’ve done? Kidnapped my own god-daughter? Do you think I’m hiding her in my shed? Christ, Ava, do you think I’m a—’

‘No! God, no!’ The blood flashes to my head.

‘Do you think I’ve sold her? Is that what you think? Because it’d be good for me to know, do you know what I mean? Just so we can be clear that even though I had my house and my shed and my van searched and sniffed, had my fingerprints taken like a criminal, and the police didn’t suspect me of anything, even though I did all that, you, one of my best mates, you think I’ve got something to do with it. Christ, Ava.’

I burst into tears. ‘I’m sorry. I’m a mess, I know I am, but I just have to get it straight in my mind if I’m going to have any chance of letting her go, you know? I have to accept that she’s gone, forever, but the problem is, even going to that party felt like a betrayal, like we were ready to even contemplate enjoying ourselves without her, you know? I feel like I’m leaving her behind. How can I possibly do that? And then Bella said you were out all night that night. But you weren’t. You came home at midnight. With Matt. You weren’t out all night, so why would she say that?’

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