Page 402 of Now and Forever

His hands cupped the sides of my arms, almost shaking me to come to my senses as he pushed me backwards. “I. Said. No.”

I was a fool, a fool in love. And I had let that steer me towards something that could very well eviscerate me completely, threatening to dissolve my own sanity. My identity.

“Fine. I’ll just go ahead and leave then.” I tried to use all my might to push him off, but he remained unmoved, as if all of my effort hadn’t even made a dent. “Let me go.”

He wouldn’t budge. “Well, tough, you’re not going anywhere! You’re staying here, in my home, with me.”

God, how I wanted to hurt him, make him feel just a bit of what I was going through, although even if I did, it wouldn’t change a thing. It would only serve in hurting me even more.

“I can’t be here, Reiss. I think we both know that.” Shaking my head, I felt worn and exhausted. “We’ve barely been married for a day, and we’re at each other’s throats. It makes my marriage to Ashton look like a walk in the park.”

“How dare you mention his name at a time like this! That man did nothing but steal you away because he felt threatened by me. He has done nothing except harm, and here you are, praising the man I wanted to kill with my bare hands.”

We were back in the past again. He spoke as if it had only happened yesterday. Had his anger warped his mind to hold onto such a grudge that wasn’t relevant any longer? Did his vindictiveness stretch that far?

I could feel the sharp burn behind my eyes, threatening tears as I took the risk in glancing at him. His expression, though still angry, caught me off guard when I found him staring at my lips. Then, when he dipped his head to kiss me, I moved my head to the side, not wanting to continue the hell that would come after he had his way with me.

“Please, don’t—don’t insult me like this.”

His lips kissed my cheek, trailing across to my ear while the tip of his nose inhaled my scent. “I hate you … but I hate myself more for wanting you. When you’re not around, things are back to normal. But, whenever you are, I just have this consuming need to kiss you and fuck you until sunrise.”

I couldn’t take hearing him say it out loud, especially not when I was feeling at my lowest. I was far too vulnerable to fake my way out of this rut.

“Then let me go. It will make things easier for us.”

“That’s the thing—I can’t do that, either. I like the fact that I can see you whenever I want to. I like knowing that you’re sound asleep under my roof or if you’re eating well. I like having you here.”

“Stop—” I nervously heaved when his hand cupped my breast while his mouth busied itself with my neck, arousing me to submit to him.

“You want this as much as I do. Why deny us the pleasure when it’s clear you and I can’t get enough of each other?”

“If things were just that simple, I’d probably let you have your way. But it isn’t with me, Reiss. I don’t know if you’re acting blind, but I’m sure you already know I’m in love with you, so it’s not that simple for me.”

He was breathing raggedly, and his hand had stilled against my breast as I waited for his response.

Tears prickled again as the seconds flew by, and I wondered what kind of damage I had caused this time.

“I want you, and I have accepted the fact that I always will. But that’s all I can give you, Ava. And even if I tried to love you, my entire existence revolts at the thought of what loving you might cause me this time.”

I sniffed, holding back a sob. “I’m sorry. I know there’s no possibility of it, but I still had to say it.”

“I’m sorry, too, for not being the man for you. Ten years ago, I would’ve moved mountains to have you and your heart. I was so crazy for you I was willing to look like a complete idiot as long as I had you with me, in my arms, loving you each day. But that was years ago, Ava. You can’t keep living in the past. I don’t want to hurt you, but sometimes, I can’t control this bitterness that resurfaces each time I see you. And, yet, my body desires you like you’re its drug. Sex with you is like nothing I have experienced before. I thought how good it was with you was all in my imagination all these years, but after that night in your room, I knew I wasn’t imagining it anymore.” His body pressed against mine as he whispered into my ear, making me all the more confused about my feelings for him.

“Fucking you scares the living hell out of me because it is only you who has the power to unman me. It’s a battle between wanting to experience Heaven and what kind of Hell could come out of it. This is what I experience every time I look at you. So, if I’m acting hostile, you know I’m fighting the need to ravish you on sight.”

Licking my lips, I couldn’t help getting aroused at the thought of him struggling with his attraction to me. “How are you fighting this battle now? Are you winning or losing?” Sex was such a powerful tool that women could use to their advantage. Knowing this made me feel as if I had something to hold against him, though to what extent? How could I gain a foothold without compromising too much?

“Do I look like I’m fighting it anymore?” His voice came out raspy, sounding like he was trying hard to control something. “I came here tonight knowing you were asleep, and I simply wanted to see if you’d settled in okay. However, the moment I walked into the room, I somehow ended up studying you like I used to for twenty minutes until you awoke. I want to lose myself in you, Ava.”

This could get very tricky. I had to do this right. I had to stand my ground, even if it was killing me inside, because there was this huge part of me that wanted to reach him—not just on a physical level, but deep within. Maybe his heart was unavailable, but maybe, just maybe, I could reach deep down and somehow make him want me, need me in a sense that he couldn’t survive without me.

“If I let you, you have to promise me one thing.”

“Go on,” he urged, frowning down at me.

All right. I could very well do this. It was all or nothing. “Whoever you’re doing now, anything pertaining physical contact must cease. This is the only way I’ll let you have me.” I wanted to feel embarrassed to demand such a thing to him, yet if I let him have his way and he still carried on with his activities with other women, then there was no point in any of this. I wanted him—there was no doubt of that—but he had to live by his rules, as well. If he wanted me badly, then he, too, should pay the price.

His eyes penetrated into mine, letting me know he was weighing things as he stared at me, pinning me into stillness before conveying his thoughts. “If I agree to this, you have to promise me that you won’t ever dare deny me your body, whenever, wherever. Even when you’re angry or loathing me on sight, you’ll spread your legs, welcome my cock, and let me have your sweetness for as long as I want.”

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