Page 328 of Now and Forever

“Cal...” I started, figuring out how to convey my feelings without causing us to fight some more. “Would it be okay if you—” I stopped when he looked conflicted, like he knew what I was about to say. “I need some time apart from you. To be alone, I mean. You’re always around and I’m having a hard time. I’m all over the place and this is not healthy for me or for my business. I’m losing my focus and I simply can’t have that. I’ve worked too hard to get where I’m at.” Ever since I started this whole thing with him and realized that I loved him, it had been downhill from there.

“I’m a distraction.”

If I could ease the pain in his eyes, I would, but at what cost? He was going to keep me here, for what? Companionship? Comfort? I needed more. I wanted his love. If I had that, I’d give him every piece of me, but I didn’t.

“You’re too much, too everything, and I need to breathe. You need to let me breathe.”

Callum simply looked lost. “I…” he started, looking at me a little unfocused. “It wasn’t my intention. You know I would never jeopardize your business.” He searched my face when I walked over to him, cupping his face.

“I know, Cal. I know.” He didn’t need to explain. I understood him. It was simply unfortunate that I needed so much more than he could give me.

“I’m sorry.” He kissed the inside of my palm. “I just wanted you so much.”

He did want me, a lot; for sex, comfort and convenience and mostly, for everything else physical. Other than that, he couldn’t go further and that was the only thing that mattered the most.

The only thing that counted and mattered to me.

“Forgive me, Stella.” Callum held me tight. It was a desperate kind of hug, one which a person gives the other when he’s saying goodbye.

We needed space, although I didn’t know for how long. I didn’t want to be incommunicado with him, but it somehow felt like it was what he was aiming for. Even if he hadn’t voiced it out, I already knew.

“Don’t say goodbye to me. It would be cruel to see you only once in awhile,” I murmured against his chest. Not seeing him… and us going on with how things were for the last few years would affect me greatly. “We can try to be friends.” Please.

“This is the only way I know how, Stella.” He took a deep breath, inhaling my scent. “You can’t expect me to be friends with you, knowing how much I want you.” His nose buried further in my hair. “I’ll always want you.”

I knew this was for the best. Dammit, I knew it was, but I was being cut into two and I wanted the pain to stop. “The thought of not seeing you… it terrifies me.”

He cupped my chin, his thumb wiping the tear that escape from my eye. “Be with me then. I’ll be right next to you, for however long you want me by your side.”

“Callum, you’re not fair.”

“I’m begging here.” He pulled out of my hair and looked into me. “I’ve never begged before, but I’m beyond desperate to have you. It’s horrible without you.” He paused, throat bobbing before he found his voice again. His next move came as a surprise. Callum got on his knees, literally begging in the highest order. “I need you in my life, Stella. Stay and be mine again.”

Callum was giving me a make or break it decision and I wasn’t playing fair, especially knowing how I felt about him. He wasn’t allowing leniency, not even for friendship. He was using my feelings as a weapon against me. “Cal—”

“Please, say you’ll stay.”

I would, if he could tell me what I wanted to hear most. It was now or never. “Are you in love with me?” I whispered, breathless.

Something passed in his eyes and my heart plummeted when I realized what that look was. It was a look of retreat and regroup. He was thinking about how to respond to my question.

Callum took his time, gathering himself up on his feet again before responding to me. His dark, penetrating eyes commanding me to look at him. “I—” he carefully began, “deeply care for you. More than any woman after her.”

I didn’t even have the power to flinch because I had known what was going to come out of his mouth before he’d said it. Still, for him to confirm it, stabbed me into reality over and over again. Giving up on my loved ones wasn’t my forte, but I guess I have to learn how for the first time.

It took every ounce in me to give him a smile, which was full of love and understanding; that he didn’t need to explain to me why he cared deeply, why he couldn’t love me, or why he wasn’t capable of giving me what I wanted when I was more than willing to give him everything that I had. My present and my future, I wanted it to be with him.

How could I spend the rest of my life next to a man who was in love with another? True, sex would be out of this world. Not to mention that I would get to keep him all for myself. He’d spoil me to no end and I wouldn’t want for anything in the materialistic aspect… but could I accept that even though I had him, there would be times that he’d think about Zara? Wonder about her and what life could’ve been if she hadn’t done what she had? Did I love him that much that I’d be more than willing to sacrifice not being loved by the man I had chosen to be with?

The answer was, unfortunately, a resounding no.

My family had so much love to give. My parents were in love with each other and I wanted what they had. I shouldn’t settle for anything less. If I had to give my all to a man, I’d expect the same exchange.

Callum and I weren’t meant to be, simple as that.

My heart was in pieces as it cracked a little bit more inside.

The urge to dwell on my broken heart was too tempting, however I had to see this through and leave his house. My brokenness could be dealt with later on. Right now, I needed all of my will to say goodbye to him.

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