Page 140 of Now and Forever

I opened my mouth to respond, but he stopped me, apparently not done yet.

“Are you punishing me? Because this is really cruel of you. It’s bad enough that you’re thinking of dating, but him? It’s just fucked up. I can’t stomach the thought of him touching you. It fucking drives me insane. I can’t fucking think straight. You’ve got to stop this, or I’ll lose my mind.”

I caught my breath. Time became suspended as our eyes battled one another, one yielding power, the other unyielding.

“You can’t stomach the thought of him or … any other guy?”

“Yes. Maybe. Both.”

Did he have any clue what he had put me through all these years, trying to ignore all the women he had been with?

Regardless, that was the past, and this was present. I could only influence what I could control and not much else. There was a solution. The only one hindering it was him.

“Make me yours. Be with me. Then I wouldn’t have a reason to be with anyone else.”

He grimaced, confounded. “You know my reasons. I explained in great detail.”

“I know … I remember them all, but I’m sorry, it’s not enough.” Life was about taking chances, so here I was, doing just that. Yet again. “So either you claim me as yours, or you’ll be seeing more of me doing that very same thing with different guys. Take your pick.”

“Is that a threat?”

“No. An ultimatum.” Immobile, I licked my lips and delivered what I had in mind. “Either you have all of me or nothing at all. I can’t keep going like this. I’m going crazy. You make me feel crazy.”

Silence stretched. My chest felt as if my lungs were about to collapse while I nervously waited for his answer. I wanted him so much it was ruining me. He wasn’t impervious any longer. He felt strong emotions, so there had to be a chance, no matter how small it might be. If the time came when there wasn’t anything between us, then that would be when my heart forever left him.

He made a low, guttural sound before taking a step toward me, stopping an inch from my face, almost kissing me. He cupped my face, boring into me. “I’m not … I don’t think I can do it.”

Had I really expected any differently? He was as stubborn as a mule. The sliver of hope died before my very eyes.

“Neither can I, Drew. I’ve waited for years. You know I’ve loved you for so long. If you can’t even try to love me back, then let me go. You have to let me go.” I choked back a sob, loathing my impossible position. Unrequited love was the worst fate anyone could go through. It diminished everything in a person, shrinking you into feeling like you were this tiny, irrelevant person who had no value.

“Chloe, please,” he softly pleaded, sounding just as torn as I.

If he could remain unmoved and unchanged, however, then so could I. Two could very well play that game. My heart already lost the battle, so I had nothing left to lose.

“You told me so yourself that you wanted me to move on with someone else, someone worthy of me—whatever that means—so please give me space to figure that out for myself.” Though my eyes appeared misty, my voice unsteady, I had never felt this determined to achieve something.

It had been a shadow all my life, a love so blinding it had become a compass determining which direction I should take. Even after that fated night when I had given him myself and he then left without a word of good-bye, the guilt ate at me, though I knew remorse should be the last thing I should feel. Nevertheless, it was there, holding me prisoner to a love that wasn’t remotely close to being worthy of my perpetual devotion.

He threw his hands up in surrender. “Fuck! Okay, you win … but I need time.”

Masking my enthusiasm, I regarded him with a steady gaze. “How much time?” It was a small victory. There was still a lot of work ahead of me if I really wanted him to commit to me and me alone.

His eyes darkened, riddled with uncertainty and indecision. “I don’t know.”

If he was trying to lead me on just so he could get what he wanted, there would be hell to pay. I was at my wit’s end. M patience was as thin as a balding person’s hair.

Hardly containing my despair and fury, I took a sharp breath. “What do you mean you don’t know? Are you talking about weeks, a month or two, a year? What? I need a timeframe here, Drew!” My cool demeanor snapped. My hidden fear and resentment got the best of me.

“Fuck, Chlo, stop pressuring me. I honestly don’t know. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and have an answer for you.”

That was pretty vague.

“That’s not good enough.” If he kept hesitating, then why couldn’t he just let me move on? How could he be so selfish?

“All I know is … I care about you more than any other woman in my life. That’s all I know.” His words went straight into my heart, but the feeling vanished just as quickly when it dawned on me that he had never failed to stress how much he cared for me. Regardless, caring could be misconstrued for something else. One could care about a lot of things without investing time, effort, or affection. My parents, for instance, cared about me, but if I were to die tomorrow, they wouldn’t be as devastated as they would if it were to happen to my brother…So, yeah, caring could mean a whole lot of things.

Not willing to address his statement, I thought it would be wiser to question how this process would proceed. In other words, where his fuckboy ways began and ended.

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