Page 141 of The Finding Series: Vol. 2

“Did your fathers believe him?” Quinn asked softly.

Beck nodded. “I didn’t deny it and since I’d acted out with them a few times, I think they thought it was possible.” Beck shook his head. “Everything fell apart after that. I couldn’t function. I stopped going to school. I wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t talk. My fathers were desperately trying to find me a new therapist and the doctor who had been handling my medication upped my meds. Four days after Victor…after what happened in his office, I hung myself from a rafter in my room.”

Bile rose in my throat and I dropped Quinn’s hand so I could lean forward and cover my face with my hands. I couldn’t stop the tears that slid down my face. I felt Quinn’s hand on my back, but I knew he wasn’t doing much better because I could hear him sniffling.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I knew I needed to get it together for Beck’s sake, but I couldn’t get ahold of myself.

“It’s okay, Brody,” Dr. Emory said. “Why don’t we take a break?”

I managed a nod, but couldn’t move. I felt Quinn shift next to me until our bodies were touching and then his arm was around my shoulders. I didn’t dare look up because I couldn’t face Beck. But I didn’t have a choice when I felt hands pushing mine away from my face. I looked up to see Beck standing above me, his eyes wet with tears.

“I’m sorry,” I said harshly and then I dragged him to me until he was practically straddling my lap. His arms went around my neck and I felt sobs wrack his body as he clung to me. “I love you,” I whispered to him. “So fucking much, Beck.”

Beck nodded against my neck, but didn’t say anything.

Quinn’s arms surrounded us both and I heard him whispering in Beck’s ear and felt him nodding against my neck some more, but after that, none of us talked for a while. When we’d both calmed down, I released Beck enough so he could put some space between us.

“I need to finish it, okay?”

I managed a nod and reluctantly released him. I wanted him to stay between me and Quinn, but I knew being on the opposite couch made it easier for him to focus on us and get his story out. I used the tissues Quinn handed me to wipe my face as Beck got settled on the other couch again. Several long seconds passed before Dr. Emory urged Beck to continue.

“My dad came home early and found me. He cut me down and got the rope off before I completely stopped breathing. I was taken to the hospital, but luckily there was no permanent damage. I was moved to the pysch floor a couple days later and I was in there for almost a month. I refused to speak to anyone about what had happened, but when I realized that not talking meant I’d spend even more time in there, I started telling everyone what they wanted to hear. When they released me, I went to whatever doctors my fathers wanted me to and said all the right things. I never told anyone about Victor or Steven…they thought I was struggling with the depression and the prostitution.”

Beck took a few deep breaths to steady himself. “That spring, the company my father worked for held an open house to celebrate their move to a new building. There were lots of people there including most of my extended family as well as the men my father worked with…he works in security and most of his co-workers are bodyguards and stuff. It was my first real outing after being in the hospital and while I knew I wouldn’t enjoy it, I pretended I was having a good time. A few minutes after we got there, I noticed a guy watching me from the other side of the room. I tried to ignore him, but I could feel his eyes on me wherever I was. The longer he watched me, the more panicked I got. I knew what he wanted…it was the same look Brad and his friends had had that day in the locker room. It was the same look Victor had given me. I wanted to scream at him to leave me alone, but in my mind I knew if he wanted me badly enough, he’d take me. I was so angry,” Beck whispered, his voice growing harsh. “I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to go up to him and tell him I’d kill him if he touched me.”

Beck shook his head. “But I knew I was powerless to stop him. It didn’t matter that my parents were there, my family…my brain convinced me that the guy would take what he wanted, when he wanted it. This…this calmness settled over me as I accepted it. And then something changed. I can’t really explain it, but I stopped seeing him as a threat. I kept remembering how Victor had accused me of teasing him to get what I wanted. And I started to wonder if I could do the same thing with the guy…turn the tables so I was the one in control. The one with power. Maybe I couldn’t stop him from fucking me, but at least in some fucked up way, it would be my choice…”

Beck’s eyes shifted to Dr. Emory and I saw the man nod. “It’s okay, Beck.”

Beck took a deep breath and said, “I approached the guy when he was standing by himself. I told him to meet me in the stairwell two flights up. Most of the party was on that floor so I knew we wouldn’t be interrupted. The guy followed me up there. I began touching him, telling him how hot I thought he was. He was a lot bigger than me. He even carried a gun. But in that moment as I touched him, as I told him what I wanted to do to him, what I wanted him to do to me, I was the one with the power. And for the first time in my life, I felt in control of it. I blew him right there in my father’s building and then I let him fuck me against the wall. And all I could think while it was happening was how good it felt to not be helpless anymore. To be able to choose what happened to me.”

As warped as Beck’s logic was, it made perfect sense to me. I risked a glance at Quinn and had no doubt he was thinking about the night Beck had approached him in the club.

“When the guy was finished, I left. He hadn’t cared that I hadn’t come and neither had I. I hadn’t been with him to get off,” Beck murmured. “A few weeks later I did the same thing with a guy who worked at a bookstore I used to frequent. Anytime I felt threatened by a guy, I turned the tables on him and became the hunter. It almost became a compulsion after a while. Sometimes I even got it wrong and a guy turned me down, but the humiliation was temporary…the need to stay in control wasn’t.”

“You said this happened whenever you felt threatened,” Quinn said quietly. “That night in the club-”

His words dropped off and he looked at Dr. Emory.

“Dr. Emory knows what I did that night,” Beck said. “That night was the first time I actively went looking for someone. I’d met Jax before when he’d come to Seattle to visit my dad. He was exactly the kind of guy I was afraid of so when I found out I would be spending the summer under his roof, I started to feel out of control again. I was afraid of what I’d do when I saw him…in my mind, I knew he loved his husband, but this other part was trying to convince me he would come after me. But I was scared of being found out if I was wrong – if I went after him and he turned me down, he’d tell my fathers.”

Beck let out a harsh laugh. “I started all that because it made me feel in control and powerful, but it was all an illusion. Instead of being controlled by strangers, my own mind started playing tricks on me to the point that I couldn’t make sense of anything.”

He shook his head. “So the more I obsessed about interacting with Jax, the more helpless I began to feel. No man in sight, and I still felt like I had that night at my father’s office party. I thought that if I could get my “fix” before I got to Dare, that it would help. And I figured I could go back to that club anytime I started to feel out of control at Dane and Jax’s.”

Beck smiled sheepishly. “But nothing could have prepared me for you,” he said as his eyes settled on Quinn before shifting to me. “Or you.” He held my gaze for a moment. “I’d never come with any of the guys I was with…sometimes I’d masturbate, but it wasn’t very often because it reminded me of that first time with Steven and everything that had happened afterwards. And then you guys…”

Beck fell silent for a moment and he dropped his eyes. “I didn’t know what to think after that night. I was so messed up…being with the two of you felt so good, but I convinced myself it was wrong. All those other guys…it’s almost like it wasn’t really sex with them, you know? I didn’t have to feel anything at all besides the knowledge that what I was doing was my choice. But being with you guys was so much…more.”

“So when you saw Dale attacking Lilah,” I began.

“I saw myself,” Beck whispered. “I saw Victor and Brad and all the guys who’d paid to use me…even the guys I’d pursued…because deep down I hadn’t really wanted them. And I saw Lilah just standing there taking it because she knew she was powerless to stop it…”

When Beck’s voice dropped off, I nodded in understanding. I didn’t need any more explanation.

“I’ve been talking to Dr. Emory about my compulsion…it’s not something that will just go away…he says it’s a coping mechanism. He’s given me some tools to try and deal with my fear, but it’s going to take time.”

Beck’s eyes connected with me and Quinn as his voice grew firm. “But I won’t ever act on it again, no matter what. I love you and I only want to be with you. What we have is worth fighting for and if I have to spend the rest of my life dealing with this thing, I will. As long as it means I’m still yours.”

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