Page 24 of The Finding Series: Vol. 1

Callan watched as Rhys shifted uneasily.

“Jesus, were you,” Finn started to say but seemed to get hung up on the next words. “Were you saving me for him?” Tears flowed down Finn’s face as he laughed hysterically, the sound ripping like a knife through Callan. “Oh my God,” Finn cried.

Rhys grabbed Finn who instantly tried to pull away from him. “What happened between us last night was everything I said it was, Finn!”

“Get your fucking hands off me!”

“Finn, stop it!” Callan finally said.

Finn ripped free of Rhys and spun around. He looked like was going to start raging again, but then all the fight went out of him. “You’ve ruined me,” he said so quietly that Callan struggled to hear him. Finn shook his head, almost as if in wonder. Tears streamed down his face. “You’ve ruined me, Cal,” he repeated, then turned and brushed past Rhys.

Callan felt his insides rip open as he watched Finn leave him forever. He looked up at Rhys, but the other man wasn’t moving. Callan bent over as nausea swept through him. This had always been the plan – to let Finn go. But now that it was happening, he couldn’t remember any of the reasons he was supposed to let it. All he could think of was that Finn wouldn’t be there with his sunny smile in the morning as he fed the horses or got West ready so they could ride out and check the fences together. He wouldn’t be there to laugh that loud, all-in laugh or crack his weird jokes that only made sense to him. There’d be no more silly grins or serious conversations or shared victories. Losing Finn meant losing himself, losing that one last part of him that was honest and true.

Callan was moving before he could talk himself out of it and was running by the time he got to the bedroom door. Finn was in the process of opening the front door when Callan slammed into him from behind and forced the door shut.

“Please don’t,” he whispered against the back of Finn’s neck as he wrapped his arm around the other man’s waist.

Finn closed his hand over the one Callan had on his abdomen and tried to pry it off. “No!” he said in a husky voice. He tried to open the door, but Callan was stronger and it didn’t budge.

Callan twisted Finn around so that they were facing and forced him to look up. “Please Finn, I’m begging you,” he whispered as he leaned down and brushed his mouth over Finn’s trembling lips. They were as soft and sweet as he dreamed they would be, though he’d always imagined Finn’s shaking would be from lust, not fury. A sob escaped Finn as Callan kissed him lightly again, then pulled back.

“Tell him everything, Callan,” Rhys said from behind him.

Callan felt Finn still beneath his touch and he forced himself to take a deep breath. He could do this. He needed to do this.

“I knew I preferred men in high school, but I didn’t do anything about it until I was away at college.” Callan felt a surge of relief go through him as Finn relaxed slightly in his hold, indicating that he was at least going to listen. He cast a glance over his shoulder and saw that Rhys was standing on the other side of the entryway near the hallway that led to the bedrooms. There was enough light from the bedroom to see Rhys’ expression as he gave Callan a supportive nod. He felt a surge of strength go through him and he turned back to Finn and closed his hands around the other man’s upper arms, his thumbs rubbing small circles into Finn’s warm skin. He hadn’t noticed until now that Finn was shirtless and wore only a set of thin pants as pajama bottoms.

“I kept trying to figure out how to tell my father, but I’d seen and heard how he talked about gay people since the time I was a little kid and I knew in my gut that he wouldn’t accept me. So I hid it. I dated women, even managed to sleep with some. I was twenty-one when I finally fucked a guy for the first time and after that I couldn’t get enough. So I spent my days getting good grades and flirting with pretty girls and my nights fucking random men at a gay club outside of town. Then I went home on weekends and told my dad about all the women I was dating.”

Callan felt a knot of anxiety go through him and then his breathing started to go shallow.Jesus, not now. Before his vision started to dim, he saw Finn looking at him with concern and if he hadn’t been struggling to breathe, it would have given him some measure of hope that maybe he could still fix this.

“Callan,” he heard someone call him and then a broad palm was stroking over his back. “Callan, just focus on your breathing. In and out, real slow.”Rhys.

Callan closed his eyes and focused on Rhys’ voice as he counted off the breaths and finally after several long, painful seconds, he felt his lungs start to ease and the pressure in his chest began to fade.

“Cal?”

Callan wanted to cry at hearing Finn call him by his nickname. His eyes focused and he realized he’d ended up on his knees on the floor. Finn was still in front of him, though he too had dropped down onto the floor. Rhys was at his back, still rubbing circles in his back with his hand. God, he wished it was over and this was exactly where he could spend the rest of his life – between the man who’d brought light into his dark world and the man he knew would always be there to catch him if he fell. He reached out a hand to Finn’s cheek and brushed it briefly before dropping it.

“I kept going to the club, but I was never very selective about who I was with. I was too afraid to let any of them fuck me so I only went after the ones who were willing to bottom. One night I picked the wrong guy. We went to the alley behind the club. His friends were waiting there…” Callan started to feel his breath catch so he closed his eyes and reached his hand behind his back and felt Rhys grab it and squeeze hard.

Finn’s fingers on his face had him opening up his eyes. “Tell me,” he said gently.

Callan nodded, then said, “There were three of them. They hit and kicked me until I couldn’t fight anymore and then they took turns. They held my wrists-” he managed to say before a sob overtook him.

“It’s okay, Cal, you don’t have to say anymore,” Finn said as he reached up and placed a kiss on Callan’s forehead.

“I need to finish it,” Cal said.

Finn nodded, then took Cal’s free hand between his own.

“I went to the ER and they called the cops. I told them what happened. They said they could try to find the guys, but that then everyone would know the truth about why I was there to begin with. They told me that I had put myself at risk by going to the club in the first place and if they brought charges against the men, I’d have to testify. They said they needed to call my dad to come get me,” Callan explained. “I left before they did the rape kit and I told my father I’d been mugged. I haven’t been with anyone since. I kissed Rhys, but panicked when he touched me,” Callan finished.

Finn was quiet for a long time before he finally said, “I’m so sorry that happened to you, Cal. But I don’t understand why you lied to me.” He dropped his eyes. “Especially after you must’ve known how I felt about you.”

Callan ran his fingers through Finn’s hair. “I was a coward, Finn. At first I thought you just had a crush on me – you were so young. I kept trying to keep that image of you being a kid in my head even after I started wanting you because it made my choice to live a lie seem easier.”

“All these years I’ve trusted you. Without question,” Finn said sadly. “I stayed in this town, let those people shit all over me because we were friends and I didn’t want to lose that. I tried to walk away so many times, but you wouldn’t let me go.”

---