Page 10 of The Finding Series: Vol. 1

Carter opened the refrigerator and searched through it, seemingly oblivious to the danger he faced from his own son. “Sarah, where’s my beer?”

Dolly’s fingers tensed on Callan’s arm, then she brushed past him. “Carter, it’s me, Dolly. Your sister. Sarah’s gone, remember?”

His father looked at her with a mix of confusion and irritation, then repeated, “Where’s my beer?”

“No beer. It mixes with your medication,” she reminded him gently. “Why don’t you go sit down in the den and watch some TV and I’ll bring you something to eat?”

Carter harrumphed, then shuffled back the way he’d come.

“He didn’t mean that, honey,” Dolly said as she began pulling things out of the fridge. He wanted to tell her that his father’s bigotry had been around long before the dementia, but she tended to cling to the fond memories of the baby brother she’d grown up with. Not that Callan could blame her since she needed something to hang on to since she was stuck with the temperamental man day in and day out while Callan tried to keep the ranch afloat. “How about tomorrow night I make some extra lasagna and you and your boys can have it down at your house?” she said brightly.

Another pang at hearing Finn and Rhys referred to as his hit him hard. He needed to get a grip. “Sure,” he said, though he knew there was no way he could sit down for a meal with the both of them.

“You want me to make you a sandwich?” Dolly asked as she began putting ingredients together for the brother that would have forgotten about the sandwich and her by the time she brought it to him in the den.

“No, thanks. I gotta get back to work,” he said.

“Here. Tell those boys I’ll be down to see them real soon,” she said with a smile as she handed him the container full of cookies. “And you stay out of those – you can come back and get yours later.”

He forced a smile to his face and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She didn’t deserve this life and he wished he could change things – find a way to come up with enough money to get his father the care he needed and finally set Dolly free. Muttering a quick thanks, he hurried out of the house and began the short walk back down to the small foreman’s house he was using. After Callan had kicked Finn’s father off the property, he and Finn had shared the small house until gradually the few ranch hands that he’d managed to keep had started to leave one by one. Once it was just him and Finn, it had made more sense to move Finn to the other house. He’d tried to tell himself it had nothing to do with the alarming level of desire he’d begun to feel for Finn. But like the rest of his life, it was a big, fat, fucking lie.

* * *

Finn stiffened when he heard the footsteps behind him, already knowing who the heavy tread belonged to.

“Thought I’d find you here,” he heard Cal say.

An open, plastic container was shoved under Finn’s nose and the smell of butterscotch assaulted him. He couldn’t help but smile as he took the container and grabbed one of the still warm cookies. Dolly had to be sent from above, he thought to himself as he automatically handed the cookie to Cal and then grabbed one for himself.

“You okay?” Cal asked him.

It was one of Cal’s favorite questions and Finn used to love hearing it because it was a reminder that no matter what, Cal was always looking out for him. Knowing that had always made Finn feel strong – even with all the battles he faced, Cal had his back. But now the words were just more dead weight on his shoulders. He used to feel like Cal’s equal and that even though they would never have more than friendship between them, at least Finn could contribute, could help Cal realize his dream of running a successful ranch. Working together had become so easy and natural that he didn’t really even think of Cal as his boss any more. They’d become partners, family even.

“Fine,” Finn said automatically. “I miss it,” he said, motioning to an empty swath of dirt in front of them.

Cal sighed. “Me too. But filling it in was the only option. Even if we had built a fence around it to keep the herd out, the wildlife would have suffered. The DNR guy said there was no way to get the poison out of the water.”

They were both silent for a long time, the early evening air warm and quiet around them. “You have to let me go, Cal,” Finn said quietly.

He didn’t have to look at Cal to see the stiff set in his jaw or the tension in his frame. Cal had been trying to protect him since Finn’s father cast him out of his life – before then actually.

“No, I need you here,” Cal said stubbornly.

Finn dropped his head onto his knees. “What’s to stop them from coming after the horses next? Or Dolly? Or You?”

“I can take care of us. All of us.”

Finn wished he could put his head on Cal’s shoulder. Even if just for a moment so he could absorb some of that unfailing faith that everything would work out okay. But something had changed since he kissed Rhys last night, and he hadn’t realized it until now. If he stayed with Cal, he’d never have a chance to try and build a life with someone else. Someone like Rhys. He knew Rhys wasn’t sticking around either so pursuing something with the other man wasn’t an option, but he’d enjoyed getting to know Rhys this afternoon. He’d liked that little flutter in his belly when Rhys had shamelessly flirted with him yesterday in the truck and he hadn’t felt that full on rush of lust he’d had when Rhys had held him in place in the stall in a long time…not since he’d accepted the fact that Cal would never see him that way. Staying here was not only dragging Cal and the ranch down, it was slowly eating away at the hope Finn had for any kind of a future with another person.

“I’ll get Rhys up to speed before I go,” he heard himself saying as pain clenched his insides.

“No.” That was it. One word. No argument, no discussion. It was too much. Finn shot to his feet, ignoring the cookies that spilled all over the ground.

“Did you ever think I might need something more than this, Cal? That I might need a life outside of Dare? To be some place where I don’t have to be looking over my shoulder all the time? Where I don’t need to listen to people call me names under their breath?” Cal refused to look at him and that had Finn kicking at the dirt in anger. “I can’t even go in to your father’s fucking house, Cal!”

He saw Cal clench his jaw hard and he instantly felt guilty because he knew Cal’s loyalty to his family ran as deep as the obligation the man felt towards him. Some of the anger left him and he squatted down next to Cal and said, “What about marriage? Kids? You think I could ever have those things here? Do you think there will be a day where you and your wife and me and my husband can go out for dinner together in this town?”

Finn reached out to gently touch Cal’s arm and he felt the muscles tighten beneath his palm. He drew his hand back and softly said, “I need to go someplace where all those things are okay. Where I don’t have to fight every fucking day just to be who I am.”

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