Page 20 of Charming Cruel Boys

Looking down at him, I wait for him to say something.Anything. But his eyes are focused on the shelves of books in front of him, face drawn in harsh lines, and once again, I get the message.I sniffle, fighting back tears as I head to my next class. At least I got some closure, right? Whatever drove us apart, I just have to put it behind me and move forward.

14

Duke

Assoonastheday’s final bell rings in P.E., I pick up my shit and storm out. I’m darting through crowds and passing by girls aching for my attention. Any other day, I’d flash a few smiles and stop to chat with people about things I don’t even care about. Gotta keep up the golden-boy reputation. Not today, though.They can all witness my unraveling.

I march through the hallway and out to the football field with one thing on my mind.I flick my eyes over the guys all stretching and passing the ball back and forth until I find Knight. He wasn’t in P.E. with me today, the entire varsity football team got called out of last period, so he unknowingly dodged a bullet from me. But now, I’ve got him.I’m enraged and, quite honestly, fucking dangerous.

My brother is standing by the water pitcher, talking with the coach, looking tense and stressed for whatever reason. Usually, I’d be wondering what’s got him upset, but right now, I couldn’t give less of a fuck.

I rush across the field, flipping off Sawyer when he calls for me. That guy can go screw himself. I’ve never had issues with him before. He’s always been cool, more than an acquaintance but not really a friend. But after watching him drool all over Remi every day in music, I really just want to punch him in the junk.

Knight widens his eyes he sees me approach. He slaps his coach on the arm as a parting gesture before walking over to me casually, hands in his pockets and hair tied up in a bun. “What’s up, man?” he asks calmly as I stop in front of him.

“I had a chat with Remi. She mentioned trying to contact me after Dad died. But we both know that I never heard from her, not once in the three weeks we were out of school. She never replied to any of my texts, my calls wouldn’t go through. When we got back and I asked to talk to her, she never showed up. The thing is, now that I’m giving it some thought, none of that seems like Remi… So what did you do?” I’m right up in his face, fisting my hand in his practice jersey. My voice is shaking with all the fury I feel burning inside. Don’t ask me why I’m so sure it was Knight. I just know. And the lack of surprise on his face as I accuse him only proves it.

Knight hangs his head and rubs his hand on the back of his neck, cursing under his breath. When he looks up at me again, he at least has the decency to look remorseful. “I won’t apologize because I did what I had to do, Duke. You have no idea what—“

“What the fuck did you do?!” I shout, nose to nose with him now.The low chatter around us dies down and I catch a few players move closer in my peripheral. I glare at Sawyer, because of course he would be coming to my asshole brother’s rescue.

He shoves my chest when I’m not paying attention and I stumble back a step, flinging my arms out to catch my balance. He points at me with angry eyes, his body tense and ready to strike. “I blocked her number on your phone so you wouldn’t get anything from her! Then I changed the number you had saved under her name to a dead number so you had no way to reach her either. I fed you a bunch of bullshit about how it was all her fault that you missed Dad’s last breath so you’d hate her. So you’d never be near—“ He cuts himself off, pressing his lips into a grim line. Then he holds his arms out to the side and grins wide at me. “Take it out on me. I deserve it. I can admit that. But don’t forget that it’s been a year. You’ve both moved on. Don’t think that she’ll come running back to you now that you know the truth. It’s too late. You really didn’t try very hard. You made it easier for me to keep her away. All I did was light the match, but you doused everything in gasoline and let it burn.”

I think about those first few days back at school after losing Dad. About how hurt I was that I hadn’t heard from Remi when I needed her more than ever. I knew her class schedule, and I did everything I could to avoid the routes she would take so I wouldn’t even have to run into her again after she left me waiting in the bleachers after school. I didn’t want to hear whatever pathetic excuse she had for everything she’d done since the night we slept together.

Anger like I’ve never felt before surges through my veins, lighting my body up. If I had known, if I had just spoken to her again, all of this would have gotten cleared up then and there. I’d still have Remi by my side.There’s nothing I can do to change the past, but there is something I can do to make myself feel better right now.

I tackle Knight to the ground, taking him by surprise. Then I curl my fists and throw punch after punch into his face. Every blow releases some of my rage. Every grunt of pain makes me feel more in control.

Until someone rips me off of him.

I turn around to face Coach Saxon, a group of football players right behind him to watch the show. “Get lost, kid, before I suspend you,” the coach snaps while one of the guys helps Knight up from the ground.

“It’s alright, Coach. My brother and I just had a disagreement, but it’s settled now,” Knight explains, his voice tight with pain. When I spare him a glance over my shoulder, his face is already swelling and bruising, but it does little to make me feel better. Because he’s right. He may have fucked with my phone, but did I do anything to find out what really happened? No. I pouted like a child and put on a mask of indifference anytime she was near me. A year later, and I’ve only just started questioning her about it. I just hope it’s not too late to fix it because now that there’s even the smallest shred of hope, all the feelings I’ve harbored for her are rising to the surface all over again. There’s no hiding my longing for Remi.

***

When I get to Remi’s house, or I guess,myhouse now, I make a bee-line for my bedroom and slam the door behind me on the way in. The room still doesn’t feel right, no matter how I decorate it.I’ve got a few old guitars on the walls, posters and signed records too. Blue sheets, white walls, simple furniture. It’s not too different from my room back home, but it’s just not right.

I flop down on the bed and stare at my phone for what feels like an eternity. Unable to move, unsure of what I’m going to find. Finally, I unlock it and go to voicemails. There’s a little button at the bottom of the screen that saysBlocked Numbers, but I’ve never bothered to check if there were messages there because I’ve never blocked anyone. But Knight did. On my fucking phone.

What’s really stupid is that I have facial recognition as my passcode. Nobody but myidentical twincould get into it. Lesson learned.

With shaky hands, I click the button and hold my breath as the screen changes. “Goddammit,” I mutter. There’s several of them. All from the same number. All dated back a year.

I go through every one of them, almost robotically, because I can’t even believe this is real. The first few are short and sweet. Remi’s soft voice filters through the phone, wondering where I’ve been, if everything’s okay. As the days went on, her messages became more panicked. She begs me to call her back, to give her some reassurance that we’re still alright.

There’s one voicemail where she’s sobbing and tripping over her words, asking if I took her virginity only to ignore her afterward. It rips something open in my chest, making my entire body buzz with the need to go to her now and promise that was never what I wanted. That I loved her more than words could explain. But instead, I stay rooted to the spot, clicking on the next one and the one after that, listening to her voice change from desperate to hopeless to empty.

Finally, there’s one where she says she heard about what happened to my dad. She says it all makes sense, why I’ve been avoiding her. That, of course, I just need some time, and then everything will be fine. I don’t know if she was trying to convince herself or me more.

I take a deep breath, steeling myself to listen to the last one. I’m preparing myself for the very worst. I click on it, bring the phone to my ear, and listen.

“Hey, it’s me... It’s been sixteen days since you slipped out of my bedroom and out of my life. I’m so sorry about your dad, Duke. I’ve called you every night to check on you since I heard the news. To be there for you if you wanted me. But every call has gone unanswered and... I’m lost, Duke. I don’t know what else I can do to reach you.

I stopped by your house a few days ago. I brought a pan of my blueberry muffins, your favorite. Your mom answered, and she told me you and Knight were at the cemetery, that you’d been going every day since the funeral. So the next day, I skipped school, risked my father’s wrath, and sat by your dad’s grave. I spent hours there, talking to him, waiting for you, but when the sun set, I figured you weren’t coming.

Did you know I would be there? Is that why you didn’t go that day? I guess it doesn’t matter either way. I’m out of ideas and it’s tearing me apart to chase you down when it seems like I should give up at this point. I don’t know when you’re coming back to school, but I hope it’s soon. Maybe then we can talk? I just want to know that you’re okay, Duke... This is the last time I’ll call you, so I guess this is goodbye. I love you.”

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