Page 59 of Charming Cruel Boys

I swallow down the knife that seems to be lodged in my throat.I’m struggling. I’m feeling her hands on my chest, her lips on my jaw. I’m hearing your screams and her whispers. I’m sick and confused and bleeding out.

I don’t say any of that though. Remi has enough going on with her father, applying for scholarships and colleges, and studying hard every second she can. If she knew the torrent of pain inside me, she’d drop everything else to help me through it. I can’t do that. I won’t derail her dreams to get out of this town. It may be the only shot she ever gets at happy future. I just have to hold myself together until then, so I can enjoy it all with her.

Nodding and forcing an easy smile, I say, “I’m really okay, sweet girl. Losing a whole day of time was a shock to my system, but other than that, I’m doing good. I don’t remember anything from Halloween night.” She opens her mouth to argue, I’m sure, but I shut her up with a kiss. It’s quick and I keep my lips closed, but it does the trick. Remi drops her concerns and melts into my side, drawing lazy patterns on my chest. Every swipe of her fingers makes me that much closer to vomiting all over again, but I grit my teeth through it until she falls asleep.

Then I leave Remi’s room and take a scalding shower, scrubbing every inch of my skin until I’m raw.

39

Remi

Igotonedayof rest between Halloween night and school Monday morning, and I spent most of it sleeping. Now, as I’m walking through the rusted front doors that lead into Star View High, I’m sick to my stomach with nerves.

I haven’t heard anything about Sara, and I didn’t have the courage to walk next door and ask her parents. I have no clue if she’s still in police custody or if she’ll be sitting in her usual seat in first period. And Sawyer... Jesus Christ, what do I do about him? I know I had turned him down, but I thought he took it okay. We weren’t friends afterward, and he still flirted once in a while, but the fact that he helped Sara with her batshit crazy plan makes me wonder what went so wrong.

I’m flanked by Duke and Knight as we move through the halls, catching side-eyes and curious whispers as we pass groups of students. I lock eyes with George as we walk to my locker and he changes course immediately. Duke and Knight both stiffen when he gets close, but I give zero fucks. I throw my arms around George’s neck and he wraps me up tight in an embrace.

“I miss one party, and all hell breaks loose,” George mutters, lovingly stroking my hair. “You know I would have stopped it if I was there, babe. And then I’d have murdered Sara.”

“I know,” I whisper into his chest, feeling another wave of tears trying to surface. I choke out a laugh and push him away. “Bastard. Now I’m sad again.”

He laughs along with me, but his emerald eyes are dimmed and I can tell he’s heartbroken for me. He looks behind me at Duke and Knight who’ve closed rank around me like they’re expecting an attack. It’s kind of sweet.

George does that bro-nod thing and my guys return the gesture. I roll my eyes. “Let me know if she needs anything,” George tells them, flicking his eyes to me as I curl my arms around myself. “I’m here... For all three of you.” He kisses my cheek and walks away while every single person in the hallway watches us.

I’m sure the rumor mill is working overtime after Andrew shut down his party early. Plenty of people saw Sara leading me upstairs, Sawyer manhandling Duke, and Knight storming up a few minutes later. I don’t know how far it’s spread, but I don’t plan on confirming or denying anything today. Best to just keep my head down.

Stepping up to my tip-toes, I go to kiss Duke before heading into class, but he flinches back before our lips meet. I widen my eyes as hurt and concern battle inside me. “Are you okay?”

Duke’s face is pale as he nods, not meeting my eyes. “Sorry, yeah. I’m fine. Have a good morning, Remi. I’ll see you in music.” He brushes his lips over my forehead with the lightest kiss in the history of kisses before he heads to class.

Knight takes his place, skimming his hands down my arms until our fingers lace together. “Give him time, he’ll sort it all out,” he murmurs softly while he rubs his thumbs across the back of my hands.

“You should talk to him,” I say, watching Duke’s retreating form. He told me he doesn’t remember anything. Except his muscles are tense anytime we touch and he barely looks me in the eye.

Knight nods, lips tight in a frown. “I should.”

“But? What? I can feel it coming.”

“But,” Knight sighs, shrugging. “How do I bring that up?Hey, brother, we were both sexually assaulted. Wanna talk about it?”

I shoot him a look that I hope says,are you dense?“Just be honest about what you had to deal with after it happened. Offer to help however you can.”

The bell rings, cutting our conversation short. Knight nods, kisses me, and then we part ways. I blink away the shock of him doing anything affectionate in public and my cheeks heat as I catch curious gazes. It’s no secret to the entire student body that Knight has had a personal vendetta against me for months. I can only imagine what people think now that he’s flipped his switch and is kissing me instead.

I don’t see Sara as I walk into first period and she never slips in late, so I allow myself to relax a fraction. Just thinking about her makes my skin break out in hives. And I’m not being dramatic. It’s true. I had a whole, itchy rash yesterday as I laid in bed and replayed all of our interactions over the past several months. I wondered if there were signs I missed, if I could have done something to save Duke from what happened. I was a victim too, but I was drugged and thrown in a closet. It doesn’t really compare to being touched without consent. I’ll deal with my baggage after I make sure Duke’s alright.

My first two classes drag on and then it’s time for music. I walk with heavy steps into the room and immediately lock eyes with Sawyer. He’s sitting in his usual seat, next to mine, and he stands up so fast when he sees me that the desk nearly falls over.

Rushing over to me, Sawyer grabs my shoulders and yanks me into a hug. “Oh thank fuck, Remi. You’re here. I was so worried. I’m so,sosorry. Please, forgive me.“ He talks so fast that he trips over his words and I barely catch it all.

I shrug out of his hold and smile tightly. “I’m fine, Sawyer. Thanks for worrying. Duke is who you should be apologizing to, though.” My voice comes out bitter, but can I be fucked to care? Nope.He’s earned my icy tone.

Sawyer swallows heavily and peeks past me as if Duke is going to materialize any second. “I know, I know. I’m just— I don’t know what to say. I messed up. You came to class with bruises right after you and Duke got together. What was I supposed to think?”

It slams into me all at once. Sawyer did what he did because he really thought Duke was abusing me. Fucking idiot. “You were supposed to believe me when I told you it wasnotDuke!“ I snap, throwing my arms out and trying not to scream.

Sawyer hangs his head, making me feel guilty. I’m not good at being mean to people or holding grudges, and it really hurts to feel this way about someone I considered a friend once. “Just apologize to Duke, okay? Until then, I’m not hearing anything else you have to say.” And with that, I take my seat and listen studiously as the teacher goes over the lesson for the day. Sawyer glances in Duke’s direction a few times, but never once does he try to speak to him.

---