Page 19 of Charming Cruel Boys

“Oh sure, I saw a whole lot of talking. Only it was your bodies that said it all,” I say sarcastically. “You know, I can’t even blame you, Sara. I mean, look at him.” I gesture to Duke, who’s staring wide-eyed at me. “That was once all mine, and that boy knows how to use those fingers. I know because I’m the one who taught him how to do it. So enjoy, I guess,”I say bitterly with a half-assed shrug.

I turn on my heels and take a step away from her before a sharp pain explodes over my scalp. I turn just enough to see Sara with a handful of my hair before her fist comes flying at my face, catching my jaw. Her punch is weak, and it barely skims me, but it enrages me all the same. She’s screaming incoherent things at me about Duke, but it all fades under the rush of blood in my ears.

I shove Sara off of me, heaving in a deep breath so I don’t fly off the freaking handle.I’m not a violent person, I’m not a violent person,I repeat in my mind. I have never wanted to truly hit someone before — besides Knight but he’s a dick and doesn’t count — but Sara is really testing my resolve right now. “I’m not having some petty catfight with you over a boy. It’s not worth my time. Please, just fuck off.”

She cocks her arm back, getting ready to swing for me again, despite my words. Before she can connect, though, Duke is there. He grabs her wrist and twists it away from me, making her scream out in pain. “Touch her again, and I will make you regret it for the rest of your fucking life,” he snarls at her.

“B-but... Duke, she was—“

“I don’t care!” Duke shouts. “You know why I pushed you off my dick Friday night? Because you aren’t her. The whole time I was touching you, I was thinking abouther. You mean shit to me, so don’t think I’m going to come to your rescue now.”

While Sara’s eyes fill with tears, my heart trips over itself and lodges in my throat. Not because of my ex-friend. Fuck her. But because of what Duke said. It doesn’t excuse him for everything, but damn if it doesn’t make me feel a little mushy on the inside.Damn you, traitorous heart.My mind is running a thousand miles per minute as Sara scurries across my lawn and back to her house next door. Duke turns to me, his intense eyes searching mine for a moment, and then he goes back into the house, slamming the door behind him so hard the windows shake.

Knight comes up to me, stopping just inches from my face. “You okay?” he asks me in a low, raspy voice that settles deep inside me.Lord, give me strength to survive the year with these gorgeous boys in my house.I nod, brushing my hair behind my ear, a little suspicious about why he’s even checking on me. He couldn’t care less, I’m sure.

Knight brings his hand up to my face and I hiss in a breath when he touches the spot where Sara punched me. It’s just a little tender, I doubt it’ll even bruise, but his touch sparks across the spot nonetheless. “Maybe you’re not such a delicate princess, after all. Now I won’t worry about breaking you too soon,” he muses under his breath, and I glare at him. He leans in, placing a soft kiss on my forehead that nearly makes my knees buckle with how contradictory and confusing he is. Pulling away, Knight smiles down at me. It’s so unlike that evil, mischievous one he always seems to wear that my breath catches. “We should get to school. I’ll go get Duke,” he says.

I watch him head back into the house and as soon as the front door closes behind him, I hop in my Beetle and drive away. There are far too many emotions and feelings and shit rattling around in my head. I need some breathing space.

13

Remi

Thenextweekatschool sucks ass. Music with Duke is awkward. Sawyer flirts with me every chance he gets, and I try my best not to lead him on. Every time he talks to me, I can feel Duke’s eyes searing into my skin. We haven’t spoken much since our blow-up about me kissing Knight, but I don’t know, it feels like we’re at a stalemate. He hurt me, I hurt him. Who makes the next move and where do we even go from here?

Calculus with Knight is even worse. He’s so back and forth that it’s exhausting. One day he’s flirting obscenely. The next, he’s giving me the cold shoulder. And sometimes, when he seems really worked up about whatever is in his head, he’s just outright cruel. Knight likes to remind me about our kiss a lot. About how much better he’s had it from every other girl. How it all makes sense now, why Duke left me, because I apparently wouldn’t be able to get a guy off with my lack of skills and experience.

Guys don’t want to do all the work, he scolded me.We want a girl who can take control when she wants it and submit when we tell her to, not a girl who seems half comatose because she has no clue what she’s doing. It was pathetic, Remi. Sad, really.

Worst of all, his words fucking hurt. Not like I thought Knight and I had come to any kind of compromise since our brief moment of intimacy. We’ll never be friends, I know that. But there are these times when he seems to be having a good day, tiny fractures in his facade when he seems so different. Like he’s hiding so much potential beneath his rough exterior. But then he opens his big ass mouth and spews shit at me like I’m the reason the world is crap and unicorns don’t exist and global warming is getting worse.

I just wish I knew why he hates me so much.

At least lunchtime is calm. Without Sara around, I sit with George almost every day. When he sat down Monday and I filled him in, he told me all about how much he never liked Sara in the first place and apologized profusely for not helping me out when I needed to leave the party. He was getting his cock swallowed in the guest bathroom by a boy with pretty lips. Those were his exact words. A mental image I so did not need while I was eating.

I need some alone time today, so I ditch George and head for the library. Sitting down between stacks of old books, I inhale the smell of the library and exhale some stress. Old, worn book pages, soft leather, and yeah, a little bit of dust. But it’s such a calming mixture.

I scarf down my sandwich before the old librarian catches me — there’s a no food policy in the library — and then crack open the book I’ve been working through whenever I sit in here. It’s a collection of poems by Edgar Allan Poe. Dark stuff that makes me feel understood. Like maybe my life isn’t as bad as it feels. I could be a character in one of these poems and really be fucked up. It’s absurd, I know, but I gave up trying to make sense of it a while ago.

I’m reciting “Annabel Lee,” feeling goosebumps scatter across my skin as I whisper the words aloud.The air shifts around me and I look up from the book to find Duke standing at the end of the aisle, back leaning against the shelves and dark blue eyes trained on me.

“That was haunting,” he says as he slowly moves closer, standing tall and confident. “I’ve heard that poem before, but the way you read it is something else.” I crane my neck back to look up at him as he stops right in front of me. “May I sit?”

I nod and close the book, putting it back on the shelf behind me. Duke sits next to me, long legs stretched in front of him, his arm brushing against mine. He takes a deep breath, his fingers strumming a tune against his thigh. My heart is thundering in my chest as I wait for him to speak. After a particularly shitty day and a nasty low-blow from Knight, I don’t know if I have the energy or strength to deal with this right now, but I’m still as a statue anyway, soaking in his presence.

“I’m going to start by saying I’m sorry. For hooking up with Sara, for getting mad that you kissed Knight. None of that was fair to you, and we’ve been over for a long time so...” He trails off and leans his head back on the books behind us. Then he turns to look at me, his eyes such a dark blue that I want to drown in them. “But what I really want to say is that I miss you, Remi. I don’t know what went so wrong with us, but... It was good for a while, right?”

“Yeah, it was really good,” I answer quietly. My hands start shaking, so I tuck them under my thighs and break his gaze.I’m so not ready for a heavy conversation with the only guy I’ve ever loved.

“Then what happened?” he whispers. His voice sounds so broken.I never want him to be so miserable, even now. Duke is the kind of guy who makes everything around him better when he smiles. That’s one of the things that made me love him in the first place. He’s got this exuberant energy. You can’t help but gravitate toward him just to be close and hope it rubs off. To see him like this, so unsure and sad and confused, it’s really hard on me.

“Duke,” I sigh and close my eyes, fighting back tears. Memories of all those nights we spent together, every minute with this guy that made me fall deeper, cut through my chest like a blade dipped in poison. Because with those sweet memories also come the hard ones. The weeks of wondering, the long nights in bed crying, the regrets and heartache I felt when I realized it was truly over.

I swallow down the lump in my throat and take a deep breath, urging my mind to calm down. “I know you were dealing with a lot when your dad passed. I know that. And at first, when you didn’t return my texts and my calls kept going straight to voicemail, I told myself that you just needed time. Space to mourn and be with your family. But as the days ticked by, turning into weeks, and I still hadn’t heard from you... I got the message loud and clear. I don’t know why you’re suddenly acting like you weren’t the one who made that decision,” I mutter a little sadly. Okay, a lot sadly. Downright depressed really, but I can’t find the energy to hide my feelings right now.

Duke makes a sound deep in his throat. A grunt or something, who knows. When I turn to look at him again, his eyebrows are furrowed, and he just stares at me, his mouth opening and closing like he wants to say something but doesn’t know how to formulate the words.

I put my hand on his thigh, giving him a little squeeze. “It’s alright, Duke. What we had was perfect for a short while. But perfect never lasts, and eventually, the real world came crashing down around us. All we can hope for now is to find a little bit of happiness somewhere and hold on tight. I’m not it for you, but someone else is, and that’s okay.” With those parting words, I gather my things and stand. It would gut me to see him move on, but everyone deserves to be happy. One day, I’ll find my person. Someone who will love me enough to heal the wounds my loveless childhood caused. That was too much for Duke, but maybe someday, someone else can fill that role.

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