Page 50 of Beautiful Revenge

“Do you think I can be fixed?” my client asks me, and I frown at her question.

“There’s nothing to fix, Sarah. I can help you work on the sexual desires you feel along with understanding yourself, but you need to realize that being asexual is not something to be ashamed of,” I tell her, hoping she understands.

“I just feel like I’m supposed to be a certain way, and no one understands why I don’t feel attracted to anyone.” She sighs. “I love my husband, but we’ve been best friends since we were kids. It was never about the sexual attraction, or the sex in general for me. I love him for who he is as a person. Sex and marriage just felt like the natural progression.”

I nod my head, making notes in my book while I listen to her speak. She’s a new patient of mine, but I already have a good view of her and her husband’s sex life since her husband Patrick came to me first. It always helps to get both sides of the story so I can help them find common ground, though.

“I know you love your husband. That isn’t something I even have to question,” I tell her, and she looks at me with confusion.

“You think I can love my husband without being sexually attracted to him?” she questions.

I wish I could take away all the pain my patients feel toward their desires and orientation, but I know it’s a process. One that takes a lot of time because too many negative comments have been made toward them that stay in their heads.

“I do. He’s been your best friend most of your life. It’s completely normal to love someone in a more profound way than a friendship or sibling, yet still struggle with feeling anything sexually. It doesn’t make you broken. It makes you who you are, and that person is the same one your husband fell in love with.”

My heart aches for her as she begins to cry, allowing my words to sink in. I quietly push the box of tissues across the table between us so she can access them more easily and know I’m here for her as a support system.

“Sometimes,” she begins through tears. “I feel like I’m lying to him and myself because I do feel a desire inside of me. It’s never this great big thing that everyone makes it out to be, but it’s there. Just not all the time.” She sniffles, trying to catch her breath.

“Explain to me what happens surrounding those moments of desire for you.” I start jotting down notes.

“What do you mean?” she asks, sniffling.

“I’d like you to describe what is going on with you in those moments. Is there something Patrick is doing with you during those times? A certain time of your cycle with hormone changes? Anything you can think of. Take your time,” I explain, preparing to write it all down.

“Uh, well…” She pauses to think. “I know a few days before my period I can feel more in the mood.” She scrunches her nose in thought. “But a lot of the time it’s when we’re just spending time together on the couch. When we’re watching a movie and cuddling and nothing is expected of me.”

I nod, writing down everything she says as I think through it. “You said expected of you. Do you mean when sex and pleasure aren’t the main focus?” I ask.

“More like it’s not even the focus at all. It’s when we haven’t talked about it or argued about it, but we just settle into this quiet time and space to just be.”

I nod, making a note.

“Do you argue about sex often?” I question, because I know Patrick gets frustrated with the lack of physical contact, but as far as I’m aware, they don’t argue over it nearly as much as others.

Sarah sighs, hanging her head in shame. “That sounds terrible, doesn’t it?” She looks at me. “It’s not an all out fight or war most of the time, but there are moments where he gets really frustrated and upset with me because he feels like I’m ignoring him.”

“How do you feel when he mentions this?” I ask, and she bites her lip.

“Like he’s coming to resent me and will eventually leave me for someone who can give him what he needs.”

God, my heart. I don’t think Patrick would ever leave her or cheat on her because of what’s going on. He’s already said many times that she’s the only woman he has ever seen and loved. That he knew what she was like before they ever got married, he just sometimes gets frustrated. And while I can’t tell her what he’s said in private conversations, I can do my best to help her see her own worth.

“Do you truly believe that’s a possibility?” I question, and she shakes her head.

“No. Not deep down, but the fear is still there. He deserves so much better than me,” she whispers.

“But who has said that? Is that something Patrick has ever said to you? Or is that your own brain working against you?”

Silence fills the space between us as she stares at me with wide eyes.

“He would never say something like that to me. He’s the kindest and sweetest soul I have ever met,” she states with fire behind her words. She’s not directing it toward me, just stating something she knows to be fact.

“Okay, good. I think that’s enough for today. I want to give you some homework. Would you be willing to try that? It will take patience and an open mind,” I admit.

“Homework? What kind of homework?” she asks, suspicion clear in her tone.

“I would like you to keep a thoughts journal. It can be on your phone or in a notebook, but whenever any of these negative thoughts come to your mind, you write the thought down along with what is happening right at that moment.”

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