Page 42 of My Summer Fling

I didn’t sleep with you all those years ago just because you were there, and I had been drinking. I slept with you because I liked you. Truth be told, Millie, I’ve liked you since we were kids. It was always me that wanted to drag you along to play hide and seek, me who wanted you to go to all those parties in high school. I looked for any excuse to have you with us.

I made sure you sat next to me during movie nights so I could smell your hair and "accidentally” touch your leg with mine. I made Teddy bring you to all of those parties because I knew he would fuck off somewhere and leave us alone together. I was the one that told Teddy to invite you to our house that weekend in college because it had been too long since I had seen your face or heard your laugh.

And when you showed up, the emotions I felt scared the shit out of me. Because I had to hold myself back from taking you in my arms and kissing you right there in front of Teddy. I was so overwhelmed with just how much I had missed you and just how happy I was to see you again.

Honestly, Millie, it scared the shit out of me. I knew I couldn’t go there. You were Teddy’s little sister. You were off limits, and I was just some idiot kid that wasn’t anywhere near good enough for you. So when you told me you were a virgin, it scared me. I ran because I was scared.

It’s no excuse, Millie. I know it isn’t. Being scared is no reason to run from something so good. But I did. I left you there, hurt and confused, and then I let you cut me out of your life. I thought it was what was best for you. Because I took something from you that night that I didn’t deserve to take. And I thought the only way you could heal was for me to leave you alone.

But, my God, Millie. When I saw you last summer at Teddy’s engagement party … I’ve never seen anyone so gorgeous in my life. The summer sun was setting behind you, and that dress you were wearing hugged every little curve of your body. You had spent so long making sure your hair sat just so and your eyes were positively glowing. I had missed so much in the years I went without seeing you.

You had grown up and become a woman that was confident in herself. I could still see the little kid that ran through the sprinklers in her bathing suit, but there was something new there. I took a picture of you before I came up to you. Did you know that? I know you’re always so aware of when I’m taking your picture. But I think that night I finally captured a true candid of you. I had to. There was no other choice than to capture that moment. I never wanted to lose it.

And the last month and a half I’ve had with you have been the best weeks of my life. I don’t know how to put into words what you’ve made me feel. I’ve grown, Millie. In the few short weeks I’ve been here in this little beach cottage with you and Annie, I’ve become something I didn’t know I could be. I look at both of you every morning and think about how this is what I want for the rest of my life.

I don’t want to wake up without you, Millie. I want to make you breakfast while you watch cartoons on the weekend, fuck you slowly in the shower after a long day on the beach, and then hold you in my arms every night as we fall asleep.

You’re my everything.

I know we agreed that this would be a summer fling, something fleeting where we didn’t get attached, feel anything for each other, or have it last longer than the couple of months I would be in town. But I want more than that. And I think you do too.

If there is any way that you can forgive me, Millie … please. I’m so incredibly sorry. I was scared of what I was feeling for you, and I was scared of what it meant to want something so permanent in my life. But now I know forever isn’t scary when you have someone that you love by your side.

That’s right. I love you, Millie. I think I’ve loved you for most of my life. We’re meant for each other. It just took me longer to get there than it did for you. And I’m sorry for that.

I’m willing to try to make it up to you every day for the rest of our lives if you’ll let me. You’re my home, and I want to be yours.

In the meantime, while you’re thinking it over, pop that flash drive into your laptop. Maybe it’ll help you see yourself how I see you. Hopefully it’ll show you just how much I’ve loved you ever since I picked up my first camera and chose you as my first subject.

Come home, Millie. I’ll be waiting for you. I’ll wait for as long as it takes.

Noah

I wipe my eyes and fumble around for the flash drive that I tossed on the coffee table. My hands are shaking as I open my laptop and shove it into the USB drive. My leg shakes as it loads and pops open.

I gasp when it finally loads.

It’s filled with pictures. Pictures of me. Almost a thousand of them. Some I don’t remember and some I do. There are pictures of me as a kid, a teenager, and pictures of me from this summer. He has kept every single picture he ever took of me.

I’m sobbing, struggling to inhale a deep breath as pained noises escape me. There are pictures of me laughing, crying, looking off into nothing, concentrating as I try to learn piano, and drinking my morning coffee. He’s managed to turn stupid, everyday experiences into something beautiful.

He’s mademebeautiful.

I slam my laptop shut and roll back on the couch, bringing my knees to my chest and letting every hurt feeling come out of me. I sob into my pillow until I can’t breathe, until my body is tired and sore. And I lie there until I fall asleep.

“Have you heard from her?”Teddy asks me as we sit in his hotel suite. It’s the night before his wedding, and the rest of the groomsmen have filtered out and back to their own rooms. I stayed later to spend some extra time with Teddy.

“No,” I say, running my thumb around the rim of my glass of whiskey. I down the rest of it. “I don’t think she’s going to forgive me.”

“You wrote her the letter you talked about?”

I nod.

I’m not angry that I haven’t heard from Millie. Truth be told, I didn’t really think I would. I don’t think it’s fair of me to assume she would be willing to forgive me after the things I said, no matter how sorry I am. I wish I could rewind and take it all back, but I can’t. So I just have to wait and see if time can heal what broke between us.

“I’m sorry, Noah,” Teddy says, sighing into his own glass.

“I take pictures of her, you know,” I tell him.

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