Page 37 of My Summer Fling

I’ve been lying here listeningto Noah’s heavy breathing while he sleeps, trying to let it lull my anxiety. But it isn’t really doing much. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the conversation I overhead between him and Roman last weekend.

I don’t think I can keep it in any longer. We’ve been burying what happened between us with a single apology. And while I don’t want to take away from the apology he gave me, I need more closure than that. I need to talk it out and get answers for why it happened in the first place.

“You’re thinking very hard,” he says, his voice rough with sleep. He pulls me tightly against him, and I have to fight the urge to cry. I don’t know why I’m so emotional over this. I thought I’d healed and distanced myself enough, but judging by my reaction, I haven’t. I don’t want to be this affected, but I can’t help it.

“Noah,” I start. “I need to ask you something.”

I feel his muscles tense.

“Ask away, Mills.” He kisses the back of my head, and I take a deep breath.

“Why’d you leave me that night?”

I roll over so I can look him in the face. There are so many emotions in his features, and it’s hard to pick them apart. But I watch him while he tries to get his words together, and I give him the time he needs, because this conversation has been one that we’ve needed to have since he walked back into my life.

“I don’t know,” he finally says on a sigh.

I don’t know what I was expecting, but that wasn’t it. He doesn’t know? He doesn’t fucking know? What kind of answer is that? He’s hadyearsto think about it and figure out why the hell he left me lying on the couch, still sticky with his sweat and cum—and broken hearted.

“You don’t know?” I finally manage to get out.

He sighs like he’s frustrated that this conversation is even happening. This is not how I thought this was going to go. The way he talked about me to Roman had me thinking that maybe he was mature enough to have a discussion now. He made me think that he respected me more than this.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I say, laughing humorlessly. “Am I annoying you with this line of questioning?” I sit up and push myself away from him. I can feel my emotions rising to the surface, anger leading the way right out of the gate. “Is this putting you out?”

“No, Millie, just—hold on a second, please,” he says as he sits up on the edge of the bed and runs his hands through his hair.

“Oh, by all means, take your time. I’ve only been waiting for an explanation for nine years.” God, I sound snarky. But I can’t help it. I thought after all we’ve been through together this summer he would be able to articulate what happened and give me some sort of closure.

“Millie,” he groans, looking over at me. “You want to hear something that I can’t tell you.”

“And what would that be?”

“You want an answer that will give you closure. You want to hear that it killed me to walk away from you that night. You want me to come up with some excuse that’s going to make everything better. And I can’t fucking give you that!”

I scoff, using my anger to try and hide the fact that I’m about five seconds away from a total meltdown. I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them, trying to physically protect myself from the hurt I know is coming.

“I should’ve known better,” I whisper. “I should’ve known that you showing up in my town and on my fucking doorstep would lead to nothing but heartache and disappointment.”

“Millie, that’s not fair.” His voice shakes with each word, but I need to hold my ground.

“You know what isn’t fair, Noah? You apologizing to me like you meant it. You made me fall for that stupid apology and your stupid smile. You made me fall for you all over again and it’s so unfair, Noah. It’s so unfair.”

“I didn’t make you do anything, Millie. If I remember correctly, you’re the one that came onto me that night in the kitchen. I was sleeping peacefully on the couch, and you came barreling in with your sleep-mussed hair and summer fling proposals.”

I look at him, my jaw on the floor and eyes stinging with tears. He threw that in my face so hard I felt it like a backhanded slap.

“That’s what you said, right, Millie? It’s just a fling. No emotions. No attachments. No feelings. Just sex. That’s whatyouasked for.”

“God, who are you, Noah? Who is this man-child sitting in front of me right now? We were fine. We have been laughing and joking and getting along for the past six weeks and all of a sudden you turn into a child all because I asked you one little question.”

“You didn’t just ask me one little question, Millie. You asked me a question that you know I don’t have an answer to. I was drunk that night, and you were just…there. You were smiling at me and laying on me, and then before I could stop myself I fucked my best friend’svirginsister.”

“You’re being mean for no fucking reason, Noah. I heard you talking to Roman last week. I know you felt something that night that scared you. And I heard you tell him you’re trying to fix everything that happened between us.” My voice is raw with emotion and the tears are starting to fall. I wipe them away and he cringes. “So why are you digging a deeper hole when I’m just trying to give you a way to start the healing process for both of us.”

He stands up and I’m afraid he’s going to rip his hair out because he’s pulling on it so hard, but then he whips around to face me again. His face is filled with anger, and his skin is flushed red with adrenaline.

I’ve never been on the receiving end of Noah’s anger. I have seen it before. He beat a kid up in high school for bullying me. And he once gotreallymad at his dad in front of both me and Teddy. And then, there was the time he punched Brandon recently. But I never thought any of that anger could be—or would be—directed at me. He’s always treated me with respect and kindness. So I’m not sure where this is all coming from.

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