Page 8 of Revelation (Love Isn't What It Seems 3)

Yeah, there was no justification for what I had done. It was all on me. Guilt was one of the worst and most brutal companions in life. The person I see in the mirror every day didn’t reflect the person I was on the inside. This guilt ate at me like acid from the inside while on the outside I smiled. I experienced it every day, firsthand. And I’ve seen it on Liberty since her mother’s death. She blamed herself, for not seeing the signs, for not picking up on her mother’s distress.

Except she wasn’t at fault. She had every right to know who her father was. She should know she had a half-sister. I was just as guilty because I knew those answers that Liberty so desperately sought. And I kept them away from her. At the fear of losing her’s and Lena’s love.

I have looked for acceptance and love from the moment I was born. Oftentimes in all the wrong places. Lena and Liberty were the first ones ever to have offered it to me, no strings attached. Without looking for anything in return. I didn’t want to risk losing it.

I turned my head to the side to look at the stranger I’d had sex with. He was handsome, young, probably around my age. Would he have even spared me a glance if he knew my story? I haven’t had a single relationship that lasted longer than a month, since Brian. I yearned for that feeling of belonging and unconditional acceptance but life had taught me that it was a fairytale.Isn’t it?

Maybe this guy that slept so peacefully next to me was a candidate for the next fairytale. Maybe not. Actually, thinking about last night, he mainly spoke about himself. It suited me since I wasn’t in the mood to talk about myself. I was never in the mood to talk about myself. Should I give him a chance this morning? Maybe try the talking piece?

Nah, he wasn’t much of a lay. Why go through more torture?

I faked an orgasm just so he’d get it over with.Ouch.Not a good start to a day. For me nor him. I’d have to get rid of him. I glanced at my phone and saw that I missed a call from Liberty.

I wiggled through his big arms so I could make the call in private. My eyes traveled over his body. He was big and strong, wrestler or boxer strong. I thought he was my type but the whole thing proved to be such a disappointment. All the men kept turning out to be disappointments.

Huh, maybe I am into women?I thought to myself before shaking my head. Nah, I didn’t think so. There hadn’t been a single woman that I fancied attractive. Okay, scratch that theory. Maybe I was just a cold, dead fish with a body that men liked. Yep, probably more like the latter theory. Another glance at the man in my bed, I shook my head. I was disappointed in myself more than him.

Crap, what is his name?I searched my memory but finally gave up. It didn’t really matter. I’d never see him again. I headed out the bedroom and downstairs, needing distance from the dumb mistake I seemed to keep repeating.

Instead, I called Livy back and chewed on my lip as I waited for her to pick up the phone. There were so many thoughts running through my mind.

“Sorry, I couldn't answer earlier. I was busy,” I told Liberty.

“I didn’t think you were working this week?” Her voice over the phone sounded strained. I worried about her. I wanted to help her but I was out of my element being a helpful friend. More often than not, I was the unhelpful friend that got us all a good time and into trouble.

“I was busy getting laid, not working.” Livy had been way too serious and uptight since the whole ordeal with Callen. I could just strangle that asshole for what he did to her. My own sister. “You should try it sometimes.”

I knew she wouldn’t like it, but at least I could imagine her rolling her eyes at me. It wasn't good advice anyhow, so it was better she didn’t follow it.

“That is way too much information to share,” she retorted back. “Anyhow, never mind. I got it all figured out now.”

“What did you need?” I was curious what that was about.

“I was going to ask you to watch Brandon, but I’m good now.”

“Oh, who did you find to watch him? And do you have another date?” I really hoped she did. Livy was an awesome person and really needed to get out there. She would find a good man.

“Nobody and no.” Her answer was curt and short. “I’ll call you later.”

“What? Wait, wait. What’s going on?”

“I have off the rest of the week, so I'll watch him. I’ll call you later. Promise.” She was keeping her responses vague before it dawned on me. She was probably not alone.

“You are not alone.”

“Yes, later.” And then she hung up.

I pondered what was going on. I knew she was struggling since Lena’s death. We all did, but she grew up with Lena so I could understand her stress and mourning. I still couldn’t believe Lena and Larry were gone. One night, one breath, and everything changed. It was just her and me now, with our little Brandon.

My chest ached in that familiar way. Livy should know the truth. I should have told her a long time ago. I wanted to tell her she was my sister, but I found it to be harder and harder to divulge that truth the more time went by. I never thought Lena and Livy would become my best friends, my sisters in every sense that matters. But each day, month, and year that went by, and I withheld the truth, was another nail in my coffin.

The fear kept me from telling her. I wanted to keep her, both Lena and her. I didn’t want to lose them. They were the first taste of family and sibling love I had. I was so desperate to keep it that I let so many years slip by, and now… how could I possibly excuse my withholding of truth?

I started to hate myself and what I had become. I didn’t want to be like my mother. Nor my father. Nor my grandparents. Shit, then who was I supposed to use as a role model? Who was I supposed to be?

This life, the ugliness of it, was eating me up from the inside. No matter what I did, it always came back to the same. I wasn’t good enough. I’d never be good enough.

I just wanted someone to call my own. That would love me for who I was. Lachlan was a mistake. One that I wasn’t willing to let go, and I took it too far. I regretted that now. I could see the love he had for his wife. He had never even glanced at me that way, with that utter devotion and all-consuming love. Nobody and nothing would ever exist for that man but his wife. And the same was true for Eve. I hoped they’d work their shit out and live happily together. They both deserved it.

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