Page 40 of Devotion: Isn't What It Seems (Love Isn't What It Seems 1)

“Excuse me,” I muttered and left them all before they saw me fall apart. I heard Lachlan's voice call after me but I couldn’t bear to see him now. I couldn’t see anyone.

I took a turn into the house from the side door and quickly up the stairs, climbing them two at the time, not knowing where I was going. I had to get away from everyone. I needed to be alone.

My body trembled in silent sobs, although I wasn’t crying. I had no more tears left. Only constant pain, as if I was bleeding on the inside.

I found myself in a tower. I shut the door firmly behind me and leaned against it, alone in my grief and pain. Even in a foreign country where I had no connections, there were triggers. Lachlan was a trigger. Children were a trigger.

“Too early to start socializing,” I whispered to myself, my voice hoarse to my own ears.

How was a person supposed to move on? When does it hurt less?

That dark place where I found myself before was slowly swallowing me. The guilt was unbearable. I wanted to let go, forget everything. My soul and my whole body were shaking, but I wasn’t sure whether it was in fear or anticipation to end it all.

I glanced at my scarred wrists, a constant reminder how far I went. A reminder that I could end the suffering. It had been an agonizing fight not to go there again when pain overwhelmed me like this. I closed my eyes drowning in my sorrow, hoping for relief.

And then, as a warning, Lachlan's grey eyes flashed in my mind. I took a shaky breath, in and out, and then repeated it several times. I wasn’t sure how long I stood there, breathing in and out when a soft knock sounded behind the door I still leaned against.

“Eve,” it was Lachlan’s deep voice, edged in worry.

I stood still, as if caught doing something I shouldn’t be.

“Please open the door,” he must have known I was here. “I’ll leave if you want me to. Just let me know you are ok.”

I was a selfish person for worrying him. I should be stronger than this.

I slowly opened the door and we both stood still, him watching me, worry on his face.

“I’m ok,” I whispered. He immediately hugged me without another word and it was exactly what I needed at this moment. I couldn’t cry but I desperately wanted to. Instead, I buried my face into his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured against his chest. “I thought I had it together better than that.”

“Uncle Colin just told me,” his voice was warm and deep. “If I knew about your loss, I would have told Ainslee…”

He would have kept his nephew away. I really was a horrible person.

“No,” I muttered. “Don’t apologize. It’s good that it happened. I’m better.”

I wasn’t sure if I was trying to convince him or myself. He hugged me tighter in response.

“Don’t run away from me, Eve,” he murmured into my hair, never letting go of me. I was so scared he would let go and it would hurt bad.

“We better go.” I tried to get myself together. “You have your guests.”

“You are more important,” he was firm and unwavering.

Ainslee found us at that moment.

“Eve,” she started, tears glistening in her beautiful eyes. “I am so sorry. If I knew, I-”

I gently pushed away from Lachlan and took a step away as I stopped her. “There is nothing to be sorry about. Honestly, I’m fine.”

Sorrow was written all over her face as she took a step towards me and hugged me tightly without another word.

“We should go,” I repeated my earlier words and added, “You have to sing, Ainslee.”

“You are more important,” she answered. “I don’t have to sing.”

“No,” I told her. “You have to sing. For your son and your husband.”

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