Page 124 of Raphael (Belles & Mobsters 5)

I couldn’t find my words. Emotions tangled my tongue and burned through my soul. And it hurt so fucking bad that I thought a hand wrapped around my throat and choked me.

“I want to die.” The shameful admission slipped through my lips.

A heavy pause filled the air, suffocating both of us.

“No.”

I sucked in a harsh breath and my eyes flickered to his. His hands clenched briefly, then his large hand came over mine and pulled me into him. “No, Reina. You don’t want to die. You know why?”

He pressed my body against his hard one, his hands holding on to me. As if he was scared I’d leave him now.

“Why?”

“Because you’re strong.” His lips skimmed over my forehead. “Because you’re mine and I’m yours. Because Gabriel loves you. Because I love you. You’re my reason for living. I’ve waited for you my entire life. I found you for a moment and then I lost you for eight years. Now that I have you, I can’t let you go.” His mouth was on my neck now. “Please don’t ask me to let you go.”

I tilted my head, feeling the old desire flickering to life.

Despite it all, I still wanted him.

“Live for me.” Desperation laced his every word. His mouth latched on to my skin, nipping, then licking it, only to kiss it with reverence and gentleness. A tear rolled down my cheek. “Reina, live for me and Gabriel. For our family.”

I shook my head sadly.

“You need to let me go,” I whispered, hating that I was breaking his heart. “Gabriel needs you. I’ll stay close by, but I need time.”

“When I went to your parents,” he started, his arms tightening around me, “I threatened them that if they attempted anything, I’d kill them. Then I offered to buy out his contract with that Tijuana scum, to ensure another layer of protection.” His reasoning made sense. I couldn’t hold that against him. After everything, it seemed like a minor detail. “When he refused, I went for the agreement he violated eight years ago. I wasn’t trying to buy you. I want your love given freely. Not bought.”

My blood pulsed in my ears. My hands were clammy. Fear filled me. Darkness danced between us - his, mine, ours.

The truth was that I felt safe in his darkness. Maybe it was exactly that which scared me even more.

“You kept it from me,” I rasped. “I told you about seeing your father rape Anya. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You hurt just talking about it.” I could see the truth in his eyes, but it didn’t make me feel any better. “I didn’t want to cause you more pain.”

It made sense. Leaving ghosts resting in the past. Except now I had new ghosts, and I couldn’t just hide from them under the bed.

“Ineedto go,” I whispered softly, hating that I was hurting him. “I need time alone. Gabriel can stay with you. He needs stability and a good night’s sleep. It’s something I can’t give him now.”

Something conflicted flared in his eyes. Something too close to his own panic. I didn’t like seeing it. My gaze met his, my lungs grew tight. I just knew if I swept this fear under the rug, it’d come haunting. And it wouldn’t just be me paying the price.

“My mother killed herself.” His words shattered the air. I sought out his face at the abrupt change. “My father wasn’t good to her. The last time he forced himself on her, she couldn’t take it any longer. A switch was flipped and there was no going back. I wasn’t there in time to save her. She jumped off the balcony right in front of me.” I watched his Adam apple move as he swallowed hard. “I couldn’t save her.”

The pressure in my chest grew heavy. But not for me, it was for him. The pain in his voice brought a rush of tears to my eyes, and I wrapped my arms around him and I realized the selfishness of my earlier statement.

“Don’t leave me, Sailor.” Something rough and untamed vibrated through the air, the emotion in his words coming dangerously close to panic. “I want to save you. Save us.”

I swallowed, now understanding why my earlier words that I wanted to die affected him so. My heart was breaking for the second time this month but this time it was for him. If I stayed, I’d end up in a hole there was no coming back from. If I stayed, I’d pull him and Gabriel into an abyss.

I had clung to Anya my entire life. Until she was gone. Then it was Gabriel. I kept going for him and for the promise I kept. And now Raphael.

And all the while, I had let everyone suffer so I wouldn’t. If I kept away, my father would leave them alone. He’d come for me. I knew it as well as my next breath.

He’d come for me, and when he did, I didn’t want Raphael nor Gabriel anywhere near me.

My gaze met my husband’s and I took a shallow breath.

“I’m sorry.”

---