Page 93 of Caught A Vibe

Nic and the peanut gallery give me silence as I work around to it.

“I…I was trying so hard to get it right. I had this plan. The business, the launch, the relationship, the quarantine…and it all failed miserably. And the more stressed I got, the more I tried to keep things under control. Including him. And I didn’t talk to him about it. I just did it all and resented him for it because I’m a terrible human being. He deserves better.” The tears I’d managed to hold back begin to fall.

“I think he’s the only one who can make that call. And Penny, you don’t have to be perfect to be loved. We know you, and we still love you. And that won’t go away even if this company fails.”

I cover my face with my hands as if I can hide. I hate when my friends go all therapist on me. I really hate crying at work. But they know exactly where my buttons are installed and don’t hesitate to push them for my own good. And, admittedly, they have a point. I didn’t give Dash a chance to be part of the conversation I constructed in my head. That wasn’t fair to either of us.

I miss him. My space feels cold and empty without him. I’m cold and empty without him. I miss the fun and the laughter, the care he showed, the supportive faith he gave. Why was I so afraid to talk to him about the things that weren’t working? Did I think he’d leave me if I was too difficult? Too emotional? Too messy?

I don’t know how he would have reacted because I didn’t let him in to see any of that.

That was my mistake. I have to fix it. Will he even give me a chance? Only one way to find out.

Maybe we will still be over, or maybe we’ll find a path to another chance. Maybe I will find the words I need to discuss clear boundaries or maybe I’ll bungle it all again. Either way, I have to try. I’m not happy without him.

I blot my face and rally, decision made.

“Next time can we do this after work? I’m going to look like hell on the rest of my calls.”

“As soon as the bars reopen, we promise to move this G&T to a more public venue,” Nic teases.

“In the meantime, call the man and fix it,” Zarah says.

Chapter27

Dash

Isit in my darkened garage, the space barely illumined by the blue glow of my laptop screen. I haven’t showered in three days. Food is a distant memory. Empty energy drink cans litter the floor at my feet.

But I am in the zone, and damn, it feels good.

After I sent off the game review, I couldn’t shake the idea of a relationship game. Going back to basics, I built out the structure for a role-playing game with a focus on rewards for learned behavior. I created a female avatar first, since that felt more complex for me to write.

As I sit in the dark, lines of code flow like water from my fingertips. It isn’t until she’s nearly complete that I realize I’ve created a digital Penny. All her likes and dislikes, her wants and desires as far as I know them, even her annoying habits and quicksilver temper. My Penny’s Pleasures spreadsheet is being put to good use. The same fixation that felt painful a few days ago is now fueling the most detailed character development I’ve ever done. And yet there’s still so much I don’t know. Might never know.

That thought makes me irrationally sad, but I have to be realistic. We are over. She said so. I told her from the beginning to tell me when her feelings changed, and she did. I have to respect that.

And yet I can’t stop thinking about her. Instead of moving on to the male character, I play with graphics, just for the chance to think about her skin. Every curve I committed to memory appears on my screen, and I torture myself with the memories of all the ways I brought her pleasure, adding every detail to the character.

Then I torture myself more with everything I did wrong.

Setting up a slate of events to challenge each couple in the game is easy. Chores. Date night. Hygiene. Conversations. Problem-solving. Ethics. All things I failed at with Penny. All things I wish I had a second chance to figure out.

My childhood didn’t prepare me for any of this. My dad just kept telling me to work harder, do better, quit being so…Dash. None of that gave me the functional skills I need, and unfortunately I am still Dash. It’s no wonder I had no trouble believing Penny when she said she was done with me. Haven’t I wished the same thing at times? That I could be done with me? Done with ADHD? That if I just tried a little harder, I could be normal.

Talking with Mom this week has helped a lot. Without Dad talking over her, she has been able to open up about the therapy she got after he died and her journey to understanding ADHD. Knowing that my mother shares my struggles has shifted something. I’m no longer alone. And she loves me. She is still trying to mother me, sharing strategies and skills she wishes she’d had thirty years ago, but knowing it comes from a place of love and a desire to support me changes everything.

Fuck normal. I don’t need to try harder. I might need to try different. It’s been eye-opening.

Eventually I build myself into a shell of a male character that can learn from the interactions with the female player. I am just getting ready to start playing when my laptop lid slaps down.

“Hello! Earth to Dash!”

I blink twice, trying to make my eyes adjust in the dim room. Mom flips the light switch, and I cringe like a vampire at dawn.

“Jeez, Mom! It burns. It burns!” I joke, but I also cover my eyes from the intense fluorescence trying to bleach my brain.Come on, pupils. Don’t fail me now.

“Maybe if you didn’t sit in a dark room for three days straight, ruining your eyesight trying to type in the dark, you wouldn’t be hurting right now.”

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