Page 81 of Caught A Vibe

He stops drying himself and drops heavily onto the edge of the bed, shoulders hunched. “What did I do or not do now?”

“Don’t play all wounded puppy with me. You know what you did.”

“I’m gonna need a hint. I have no idea why you’re yelling at me. Did I miss something in the kitchen?”

“The article?” I prop my hands on my hips and wait for him to catch up.

“About paninis?”

“No, you asshole. The one about venture capital where you quote meby namecalling them all cowards.”

“It was an excellent point.”

“It was also meant to be a private conversation.”

“I asked if I could quote you.”

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE KIDDING!”

I back up a step and haul in a deep breath, working hard to make my next words calm and logical. I never yell in an argument. That isn’t the way to win. My voice comes out loud and strained anyway.

“Why would I be okay with you alienating me from the very people I need to sway? Who do you think is going to give money to the woman making sex toys who called them out publicly? I told you that getting funding to tide us over was our only shot at survival. I didn’t think you’d shoot me in the foot. I’m done, Dash. An entire year of my life, all my savings, my professional reputation, my plan, my creation… All of it, gone.”

The reality of that statement hits me in the gut. The weight of that failure sits heavy in my heart. My pulse throbs in my head, and my fingers begin to tingle and go numb. I can barely think over the angry static. I failed. I gambled and lost. I have nothing left. I can’t even begin to process the loss, but I do know that I am moments from complete meltdown.

I absolutely don’t want to break down and cry in front of him. After this betrayal, he hasn’t earned the right to my tears. A week ago, I’d have bawled my eyes out in his arms. The loss of that comfort, that unflagging support, slashes at my battered heart. It hurts just as much as the loss of my dream.

I’m done on so many levels right now, running on fumes, but I have just enough left to find the words I need to throw walls up behind me as I retreat.

“And for what? So you could make your deadline? Get a juicy headline? Clickbait fodder?”

“No! Penny, I—”

“No, Dash. There’s nothing you can say that fixes this. I can’t…”

Admitting failure ties my tongue for a moment, but I push through.

“I can’t keep doing this. I tried. I let you into my life, but you keep using me. I can’t trust that my private thoughts and my feelings won’t end up in a headline. We gave it a shot, but I’m done.”

I haul in another deep breath and try to look him in the eyes, but he’s staring fixedly at the floor. I say what I need to say anyway.

“I’m going to go for a long walk. You need to leave before I come back.” I snatch up a mask and leave before I can change my mind.

Chapter23

Dash

I’ve been floating outside my body since she told me to leave. I watch her grab a mask and her purse before storming out but it feels like I’m watching a movie, not my life. The door slams shut behind her, but I don’t even flinch. The distance protects my heart from the imminent implosion. It’s like this is happening to someone else, and that is sad but not soul-crushing.

But eventually I come back to myself and reality resumes at full pain. I have no idea how long I sat there, staring at the fringed edge of the carpet by her bed.

Dissociation is a scary strategy for me, but sometimes it’s the only one that works to stop the pain. I got too good at it as a kid. It was an efficient escape from my dad’s lectures. But I can’t always pull myself back out of it, and I lose hours this way. Paralyzed. Removed. Safe but stuck.

I’ve been expecting this. I knew she’d eventually come to her senses and call it quits. I always manage to fuck things up.

The stuff about her space and me being a mess, totally valid. I get tired of cleaning up after me too. It’s not fair for her to have to cover the executive function I lack.

The part where she can’t trust me with her thoughts and feelings cuts deep. That was the one thing I thought I could bring to the table. I could care deeply and be there for her to vent. And I fucked that up too.

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