Page 100 of Caught A Vibe

She grins at that, but maintains her focus. How? I’d love to know. Maybe sparring with me gives her dopamine too.

“So tell me if any of this is wrong, but it sounds like a consistent expectation would be better, rather than trading off?”

I nod.

“And you do better with regular reminders to get it done. Writing is good but it has to stay visible.”

I nod again.

“I…I don’t want to feel like I’m nagging,” she admits softly.

“I don’t want you to feel that way either. I know it’s a lot of emotional energy to keep reminding me. But if we have the conversations regularly, maybe it won’t feel that way. Honestly, your executive function blows mine out of the water, so a lot of this is going to fall on your shoulders because I just won’t see it. But if we plan together and check in on expectations, I will have a better grip on what you need done when, and I can pull my weight.”

“So maybe we chat once a week and make a list. What about calendar reminders or alarms on your phone?” I hear the excitement building in her voice around a new plan of action. Before we get too far ahead of ourselves, I need to address the elephant in the room.

“I know my alarms drove you nuts before, but we can try that. I mean, if you want me to come back after… Are we going to talk about the article?” We were making such good progress, I hate to bring up my thoughtless actions, but she came all this way to apologize. I need to do the same.

“Yeah, that was not a good feeling.”

“Tell me about it.”

She fidgets with her fingernails, picking at her cuticles repeatedly. I cover her hands with one of mine until she looks at me.

“No, really. Tell me about it. I need to hear how it made you feel.”

“I felt…betrayed. Like I had shared my frustration, venting to my partner, in what I thought was a safe space, and you printed it for the world to see. The article hurt my business, sure, but it broke my heart.”

My hand spasms around hers, taking her pain as my own, as guilt squeezes my heart. “I am so sorry. I never should have written the quote down. It won’t happen again.” Her hand squeezes mine back, giving me the courage to go on. “What I’m about to say isn’t an excuse, but it’s the reason I’ve come to understand as I’ve gone over and over this since I left. When I got promoted to staff writer, I panicked. I thought it was the job I should have. A logical promotion. Another step toward stability. For fuck’s sake, here you are, running your own corporation. I should at least be able to contribute a regular salary instead of gig work.”

“It’s not a competition. If we were both CEOs, we’d be miserable. And there are many ways to bring joy and add value to the world.”

“I know, but…I’ve always felt like my career choices were mistakes, irresponsible choices, things I’ve fallen into. There are a lot of voices that live rent-free in my head, reminding me every day that I’m a failure.”

“Those voices need to hush.”

Her vehemence makes me smile. “I’ll be sure to tell them that, but at the time I was really trying to make this stable job work. The only problem was it was boring as hell. When I write my game reviews, good or bad, at least it’s something I’m passionate and educated about. I’ve never had a problem meeting my deadlines because the articles are so interesting to write. Pandemic panini trends? Houseplants and the best way to grow your own sourdough starter? Not so much. I was grasping at straws to try and find interesting things to write about so I didn’t lose my job. And you…” I trail off, searching for the words to explain my obsession without scaring her off.

“Me?”

“You fascinate me. I could listen to you talk for hours. That night I had a deadline looming and nothing in the hopper. So when the conversation about funding came up and sparked an article idea, I jumped at it desperately. I researched, thinking it might help you too, and included your quote because it was succinct and logical. I was in such a rush, my filters never caught up to me, and I sent it off to publish right before the deadline without even reading it through a second time. It was a huge mistake, and I shouldn’t have quoted you. But I did, and the damage is done. I am so sorry, Pen. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.”

“I want to say it’s okay, that I understand. But how can I be sure it won’t happen again? In hindsight, I realize I don’t want my struggles to be your inspiration.”

“Well, for starters I quit my job.”

“Dash! No! Why? I saw the job change online, but I assumed… You worked so hard for that promotion.”

“You assumed they fired me?”

She nods sheepishly.

“They nearly did after I left and missed deadlines for a week straight. But I made the decision to quit, because it turns out I didn’t like the job I thought I should want.”That was confusing as fuck. Try again, Dash.“I was reminded by an old friend that it’s okay to walk away from something you thought you wanted if it has turned toxic. That’s partly why I let you push me away. If I was toxic for you, I didn’t want you to feel obligated to let me stay. I thought stability was something I should have at work, because it’s what my parents always valued. But once I had it, it was strangling me.”

“If anyone made things toxic between us, it was me bottling up my feelings and thinking I had to handle everything by myself…and then resenting you for my choice.”

“Let’s say mistakes were made on both sides, based on historical data, and we’re going to do better this time.”

She kisses me on the cheek, but pulls back before I can turn and take her lips with my own, ending the conversation. She’s right. There’s more to say. But I still want to kiss her.

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