Page 7 of Let Me Love You (Excess All Areas 5)

“And next up,” the DJ on the radio said, “Manchester’s Sad Fridays and their latest release, “Never Knew It Could Be Like This”.”

Chaya’s chest tightened as Ben’s guitar kicked in. Luke’s song for Willow was finally out in the world. “I haven’t seen Zale in ages,” she muttered.

“Who?” Asher asked.

“Zale.” She pointed at the radio. “Luke and Willow’s guy. It’s the first song Luke took lead credit for. Remember, we met them at the farmers’ market. I think Ben was there too with…” She let the words taper off. Ben was still a sore point for Asher. Even though she’d kept her distance. “Sorry.”

Asher sighed and turned the radio off. “It’s okay.”

She’d wanted to listen to the rest of the song but didn’t want to ruin their day so didn’t turn it back on. “I miss them, though. All of them.”

Especially Ben. Her best friend. Her confidante. The guy who’d motivated her through university and kicked her ass at the gym. Or most importantly, had saved her life.

“You don’t need to not see your other friends.”

“Yes, but you don’t like me seeing Ben. And we’ve all been in and out of each other’s lives for so long, there’s always a chance he’ll be there, or just show up. And every time I suggest you and me going to hang out with them so you can get to know all of them better, get comfortable with Ben, you can never make time.”

Asher pulled up outside his parents’ house. “Look. I don’t want to fight with you today. Not when we’re about to go in and face our families. I never said I don’t want to see the rest of them. I was uncomfortable, as your boyfriend, that you thought it was cool to sleep in another guy’s hotel room. That you’d cuddle with him on the sofa. That he was the first person you thought to message when you had news. And I get you’ve been doing it for decades. But you and him…” Asher sighed. “Friends aren’t usually that close. I want to be that guy for you. The one you do things with. The one you think of.”

Chaya unclicked her seatbelt. “You are. And I get my double standard because I don’t know if I’d be cool if you spent a large chunk of your time with a woman who isn’t me. But it’s hard to explain, and I get why it’s hard for you to understand.”

“We’re building a life together. This one. You and me.” He reached for her hand and squeezed it. “And I’m all in, Chaya, because I love you completely.”

She placed her hand on his cheek, even as her insides felt like they’d been cut open with a rusty surgical blade. “I love you too, Asher. That’s why I’m trying to take your feelings into account and keep my distance. But you need to understand, it’s hard, because you’re asking me to step away from a massive part of my life, a person who I relied on.”

Asher kissed her, and she melted into him. “I understand. And I appreciate it. I don’t want to be that controlling guy, but I’ve never had to navigate something like this before, okay? Just…let me be that guy for you now.”

“Okay.”

“If Ben was a woman, this wouldn’t even be an issue.”

“I know.” She knew it down to her bones.

They stepped out of the car, and Asher led them into his parents’ home decorated with golden balloons and streamers and happy birthday banners. Chaya placed her fingertips to the traditionalmezuzahon the doorframe, a reminder that the home is a holy place.

“Hear, O Israel.” She whispered the first line from Deuteronomy, 6:4-9, that was rolled up on a tiny piece of paper tucked inside. The words were beautiful, about wearing the commandments on your heart and passing them to your children. And incredibly specific, indicating they should be written on the doorframes of a home. No matter how stressful the day, to come home and be reminded of the beauty of the words always made her heart and breath ease.

“Asher, Chaya.” His mum greeted them both. In her slim navy dress, gold jewellery, and a beautiful blue and goldtichelcovering her hair, Rachel was timelessly classic. “You must be tired, Chaya.”

“Comes with the job,” she said, smoothing her dress down. “Glad I could make it. Where’s the birthday girl?”

“She’s in the conservatory sulking because she’s missing bingo. And Naomi is in the garden with her boys.”

Asher laughed. “That’s so Safta. Let’s go say hi before we go and see my sister’s chaos.”

“Ah, Asher,” Safta said as they approached her.

“Yom huledet sameach,” he said, leaning over her wheelchair to kiss her.

Chaya repeated the happy birthday greeting in Yiddish, to Asher's Hebrew, before doing the same. “How are you feeling?” She studied her with a clinical eye.

“Better. Hopefully no more sickness before your wedding.”

Asher patted Safta’s hand. “You’ll be the second prettiest girl there, after Chaya.” He turned to Chaya and winked. “You’ll be the prettiest person there by a mile.”

Sometimes she could park the idea that the only reason they’d rushed through every moment until now was because of Safta’s declining health, but it nagged at her like the hard nubbin of skin that came with a hangnail. The piece that caught on everything and stung.

They’d only started dating in October, just after his saba, his father’s father, had passed away. They were engaged by Hannukah and were now destined to be married in July. In some ways, it was longer than some Jewish couples she knew. Thanks to matchmakers, some of her friends from synagogue had been engaged after only a handful of meetings and weeks.

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