Page 44 of Let Me Love You (Excess All Areas 5)

“Because I was tired and scared of the other guy. I didn’t think of it, but if I had, it might have taken too long. I tried to drop Ben’s things off from my place, but I realised as I was driving away that I couldn’t live without him in my life in a meaningful way. And I fell apart. I don’t know whether Ben and I will ever add up to anything more than we are right now, but I hate the idea he’ll become less and less a part of my life if you and I stay together. I guess I realised that I can visualise my life without you in it, but I can’t visualise my life without Ben in it. And that’s not fair to you. You deserve someone who will give you one hundred percent of themselves, not the fraction that I can give you.”

“You haven’t even tried to be without him,” Asher said, his lips curled into a snarl.

“I have. For months. Even before I went on a first date with you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I fell in love with you when I was still in love with him because…you were right. You’ve always been right. I love him. But I wanted to honour everything in the Torah and was looking forward to being a Jewish wife, with the special first year of getting to know and love and enjoy my husband. There’s also the family pressure to marry someone Jewish. After what happened to me as a child, I’ve always felt…I can’t explain it properly…but a need to not cause any more trouble. Like I have already caused my parents enough for this lifetime. And I have tried so hard to be that girl, instead of acknowledging that how I feel for Ben is so much more.”

“Shit,” Asher muttered.

“I’m so sorry I tried to gaslight you into believing you had nothing to worry about. Not that it makes any of this right, but I was trying to prove tomyselfthat there was nothing to worry about. And I don’t know if the love Ben and I have is enough because we’ve never let each other try. I’ve been too scared to let myself and my family down. But it’s not fair to you.” She slipped the engagement ring off her finger and placed it down on the counter. It sparkled accusingly in the candlelight, casting rainbows onto the marble. Not everything had a happy ending, no matter how hard you tried.

“Chaya.” Asher's voice was rough. “I know it. I could see it. But I always hoped we’d be strong enough together to build a good life with one another. What would it take to get over him? Time?”

“Iwantedtime, Asher. You’re the one who rushed us through all this. I tried to tell you that this was going faster than I wanted, and every time you dismissed my concerns. You batted them away with excuses.”

Neither of them said a word for a moment, the silence dense and heavy.

“I’m just going to grab what few things I left this morning and then I’ll be out of your way.”

“We’re going to be a laughing stock. And all the money your parents have already paid, in deposits.”

His words only bolstered what she already knew. He’d not said he loved her or that he couldn’t imagine a life without her. It was only his pride and the idea of what the two of them could become.

“Why don’t you just take a few days and think about it?” Asher continued as he walked around the island and took her hand, placing her palm over his chest. “Please.”

His touch did nothing to her, and suddenly, Chaya had never been more certain that her future didn’t lie in Asher's hands. “I can’t. I hate to be so blunt, but nothing changes. I can’t see a future without Ben in it, and that’s not fair to you. You need to marry someone who loves you unreservedly. Let me go, Asher, and go find someone who treats you better than I have and loves you more.”

Asher let go of her hand, and Chaya stepped out of his reach. “I’m sorry.”

Within ten minutes, she’d collected the remnants of her existence from Asher's apartment. The things she’d brought over on Thursday night to stay for a couple of days. Clean underwear, a work outfit, and some skincare. Less than a tote bag full of things. Asher was out on the balcony, the door slid shut, his back to her. Taking the key to his apartment off her keyring, she placed it on the island next to the engagement ring.

Two keys to two homes given back to their owners. Ben’s and Asher’s.

While her stomach churned and her heart raced, she didn’t cry. Instead, she walked home, crawled into bed, and made a plan to go see her parents after her shift and the end of Shabbat the following day. It was too late to light candles or turn on lights, so she lay in the dark.

Within minutes, she fell into an exhausted sleep.

Less than twenty-four hours later, after a horrendous day on her feet, she stood outside of her parents’ home. When her father opened the door as she walked up the drive a moment later, she could tell he already knew.

“How could you, Chaya?” His voice was ripe with soul-deep sadness.

Beneath the wave of guilt and disappointment, there was a kernel of relief. Asher had obviously already called them. A red flag that if they’d ever had problems in their relationship, Asher would go around her to her parents. Which, when added to the red flag over her friendship with Ben, revealed a controlling side to Asher she was glad to have dodged.

“I’m sorry, Dad.”

He walked back into the house, and she followed, joining him and her mother at the kitchen table.

“Asher called you,” Chaya said, looking at her mother, who wouldn’t meet her eye.

“He did. He said it was because of Ben.”

Chaya dropped her head, unable to look her father in the eye. “Why would it be so awful if it was, Dad? Why can’t I just love him?”

“Why couldn’t you just let Asher lead you both? Let him navigate the two of you through this? He’s a good man.”

She looked up at him, then her mother. “I thought I loved Asher. In my own way, I did. But I really didn’t know him. And Nan being in hospital has helped me see the red flags I was ignoring.”

“Chaya, no one is perfect. Not you, not Asher,” her mother said. “We’re all imperfectly human.”

“Ben isn’t for you,” her dad said. “You know how we feel. Why this is important.”

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