Page 29 of Let Me Love You (Excess All Areas 5)

He needed to make changes.

He unfollowed her.

Then, blocked her from his.

Surgery without anaesthesia would likely hurt less.

“I’m sorry about the whole Chaya thing, Ben. You okay?” Izabel asked over the wall. She rubbed the back of her gardening glove across her forehead, leaving a dark line of soil.

Ben wandered to the wall and folded his arms on the bricks between them. They were sun-baked, hot beneath his touch. “You know what, Iz. Considering I just detonated one version of my life, I’m doing okay.”

She placed her hand on his arm. “Is this the version where you and Chaya run off into the sunset together?”

“That’s the one.”

“She loves you.”

“I know. But it’s not enough. She’s always put herself under pressure, to be this perfect doctor, perfect daughter, and perfect contemporary woman of faith. Even if I converted, and that’s a big if considering it involves circumcision and finding a God I’m pretty certain doesn’t exist, her family still wouldn’t accept me as her husband. Worse, her dad doesn’t even like me.”

“But you saved her from that guy.” Izabel’s brow furrowed in outrage.

Ben shrugged. “I did. A long time ago. But I’ve got to move on, or she’ll be married with a family, and I’ll still be here. As your fiancé pointed out the other day, I need to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.”

Izabel huffed a laugh. “That’s coming from a guy who participated in an arcane promise to never date me. I mean, I love him dearly but he’s full of bullshit sometimes. He doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life, either. You guys have been catapulted from one sphere of existence into another because of Willow. All of you are just white-knuckling the roller coaster you’re on, trying to remain solid Mancunian lads who look after their nan like this.” She gestured back into the house. “But the truth is, none of you are able to look much further than next year, right now.”

Ben smiled at her. Izabel had been quiet, even walked over sometimes, but being with Matt, finding her feet, had given her the spine that had once been buried. “Wise words, Iz. What do you suggest I do?”

“Meditate.”

“Meditate?”

“Yup. Meditate. You’ve stopped listening to yourself, and it’s time you started again. Meditate. Go within yourself.”

“That sounds pretty fucking woo-woo, Iz.”

“I meditate. Jase meditates. Cerys meditates. Luke meditates. Alex and Zoe meditate.”

“How did I not know everyone was meditating?”

Izabel shrugged. “It’s something you do for yourself. You’ll find it really uncomfortable, at first, but stick with it. It’s not about silencing your mind; it’s about letting what is in your mind pass. Try it.”

After finishing sanding the kitchen doors, helping Iz finish up the weeding around the edges of the yard, and a trip to B&Q to buy paint and planters for along the wall, Ben let himself into his own house. He had time for a shower before he planned to take his mum over to see Nan in hospital.

The house was quiet. He missed seeing Chaya’s stuff on the hooks and her shoes on the shoe rack.

He thought about what Iz had said.

Meditation.

He slumped down on the sofa and searched online for a guided meditation, seeing he didn’t have the first clue about how to meditate on his own. As he pressed play, he wondered if he should be sitting cross-legged on the floor or something, but was grateful when he was told to sit somewhere comfortable.

The initial instructions were easy. Tall straight back. Palms turned up on his lap. Eyes closed. Allowing his body to still.

Birds chirped in the background. Loudly.

But the voice said to bring his awareness to his breath.

In, and out. Was his inhale longer than his exhale? He started to count the beat. Four in, five out. That couldn’t be right. His lungs would fucking explode, eventually. And the focus on the breath made him think too much about, well, breathing. Like, what would happen if he stopped?

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